Memory box for his ex

[Chloslilly]

Hi all, my BF and I have been together for 2 years, he is 24 and I am 28. We are moving in together and I am 9 weeks pregnant (undecided if we are going to keep the baby).

Tonight after work I came to his to help him back, I found a box under the bed, it had a sticky label on it reading his name and his exes, clearly not his handwriting. He was with his ex from 16-20, long distance from 18-20 as she went away for uni. I asked what it was and he said "stuff", I asked if he wanted to keep it and what stuff (referencing the label). He said just bits and pieces and yes I want to keep it, he was quite defensive and he took it from me and sat it to the side.

I've been thinking about it all night and I woke up. I know this is an invasion of his privacy but I got up and took the box to the living room. I opened it, and it is filled with letters she sent him, little note books with polaroids of them on trips with him writing about the day beside it. Loose polaroids all with captions on the end (in her handwriting) saying things like "first date". There were some unsent letters from him to her, he dated them and they were handwritten and towards the end of the relationship. They are long and filled with details of his life, how much he misses her and loves her and can't wait to see her. Also random jewellery, book marks, tickets from events and all sorts. Also a whole little booklet just with pictures of her, clearly from dates or things they were at together but anyway.

I feel like I have never ever seen this side of him, he's very nonchalant, he doesn't really do big displays of affection, I don't expect it and really I find it all a bit cringe but it is making me feel odd, like he loved her more than he does me or something. Also the way he was so defensive when I found it and made it clear he wants to keep it, it isn't like he just forgot it existed.

I also don't really get the letters etc, like they were long distance yes, but it was 2018 and face time existed.

AIBU to feel weird about this? Should I tell him I looked or just leave it and move on? Or is he maybe not over her?

I think it's okay for him to honour the person he was when she was important to him.

This sounds childish as just can't imagine an older man or any man really, doing this. My first thought is he's not over her otherwise he wouldn't care.

Definitely tell him, and hopefully he’ll have enough self-respect to dump you for such a gross invasion of his privacy.

I also find it so hard to imagine him doing this, it just isn't like him at all.

I have a box of letters and stuff from my first love. He was long distance. If my dh looked at this stuff I’d be really embarrassed. It was during a difficult period im my life, shortly before my dad died. I just can’t seem to get rid of the stuff because it’s like a connection to my dad, not the ex from when I was 15/16.

I’ve got love letters and photos from previous relationships. They’re important to me, it’s a part of my life. Doesn’t mean I love DP any less. I’d be so furious if DP did what you did and just read stuff that is highly private and knowing what it was. Trust is key and you don’t seem to trust them and they clearly can’t trust you.

He is entitled to his past that he had before you and he doesn’t have to tell you about it.
You really shouldn’t have rummaged- you know we have a legal and moral right to privacy don’t you? It’s really not a nice character trait what you just did and if it was me on the receiving end it would put me off you entirely.

I think it’s normal to keep stuff like that.
I have stuff from my teenage years that I rarely look at or even think about but I wouldn’t part with any of it.
Teenage romances are intense and part of growing up. It’s sweet that your bf wants to keep the memories.

I’m nosy but I wouldn’t have gone through the box, that is not a nice thing to do.
It’s equivalent to him going through your phone.

I think its fine to have mementos of the past but if it really is true that he's comparitively 'flat' with you...i wouldnt like it. You also broke his trust. It doesnt sound like a firm foundation.

I don’t get this - people don’t have to get rid or share intimate memories with a new partner to prove their past relationship does not affect them

Some people are sentimental and others aren't.

He is and you have invaded his privacy.

You've literally opened Pandora's box as you will now always be wondering if he still hankers after her and you will destroy the relationship with your jealousy.

He's on 24 and I don't think he's going to be your life partner.

I have a box of old letters and cards from an ex from when I was 18-19. We lived a couple of 100 miles apart so wrote a lot and like a PP it’s more that they remind me of that time of my life with bits about my family in them and they’re not sleazy or anything. I don’t think my DH of nearly 30 years knows or cares.

I've kept all sorts of things from the past including photos and letters from exes. I like to have them though rarely look at them. I'm not hung up on the past, it's just part of my life that I appreciate I had. My dh has never been awkward about it.

You were wrong to invade his privacy and now you know that it doesn't make you feel good. There's a moral there.

There's a difference between a few old photos or a gift that you have lying around but indulging in a specific "memory box" for someone who you chose to break up with or who chose to break up with you is a bit odd. It's different if they'd died. It's a sign that you've not moved on and are still harbouring feelings for someone past.

This is a gross invasion of his privacy. He has every right to keep letters and momentous from his previous relationship. I have kept mine and it has nothing to do with my current partner (who I love very much) but everything about me keeping hold of a piece of my past and my memories. Get over yourself and move on.

Sounds like something she made for him.

Why does a 24 year old need help to pack?

Because it's nice to help? What a bizarre response.

Massive invasion of his privacy. He doesn’t need to eradicate every detail of his past now that he has moved on. You had no right to go nosing through his memories like that. Perhaps it has told you that he did feel differently about her than he does about you. Maybe he is just more guarded after getting hurt. Either way you were bang out of order.

Why did you go through his personal stuff? So wrong. It was probably his first love and he’s not quite ready to get rid of it. Doesn’t alter anything in your relationship, only if you let it.

Op, you invaded his privacy.

That's hugely disrespectful.

I have a copy of a photograph of myself an ex took that's in an art gallery. I love it.

And I have a painting another ex did of me when I was younger.

They remind me of my life from that period and the person I once was. I'm deeply thankful to them both. That doesn't mean I'm in love with them or want them back.

I don't think you're ready for this relationship. You don't trust or respect your boyfriend. I would cancel moving in together.

It was his first love and he's only 24. I think it's fine that he still has it and he might keep it all his life without wanting her back. It's a formative relationship and of course yours is different. You shouldn't have looked - it was only ever going to exacerbate your insecurity, but perhaps the fact it's come now is a sign it's not the right time to be having a baby together. You're already unsure and this invasion of his privacy and your reaction says a lot. Are you going to be honest and tell him? Because I think to bury what you've done and let this fester will be worse than having it out and seeing his reaction.

I don't think the box is a red flag at all.
Going through it, in the other hand: not cool.

I'll be honest - I would have looked as well (before you look, you literally have no idea at all what might be in there! My first though would have been drug related).

I wouldn't let this change what I already thought tbh. If you were already having thoughts that he wasn't fully invested in your relationship etc, then this probably confirms that, but if you're happy together, then this is probably just sentimental keepsakes from his teenage years. How/why did they split up?

I acknowledge your pg and under stress but YABU. It was an outrageous breach
it is indicative that you’re not happy. You don’t trust him. Think about that