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Original poster

Memory box for his ex

278 replies

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 05:19

Hi all, my BF and I have been together for 2 years, he is 24 and I am 28. We are moving in together and I am 9 weeks pregnant (undecided if we are going to keep the baby).

Tonight after work I came to his to help him back, I found a box under the bed, it had a sticky label on it reading his name and his exes, clearly not his handwriting. He was with his ex from 16-20, long distance from 18-20 as she went away for uni. I asked what it was and he said "stuff", I asked if he wanted to keep it and what stuff (referencing the label). He said just bits and pieces and yes I want to keep it, he was quite defensive and he took it from me and sat it to the side.

I've been thinking about it all night and I woke up. I know this is an invasion of his privacy but I got up and took the box to the living room. I opened it, and it is filled with letters she sent him, little note books with polaroids of them on trips with him writing about the day beside it. Loose polaroids all with captions on the end (in her handwriting) saying things like "first date". There were some unsent letters from him to her, he dated them and they were handwritten and towards the end of the relationship. They are long and filled with details of his life, how much he misses her and loves her and can't wait to see her. Also random jewellery, book marks, tickets from events and all sorts. Also a whole little booklet just with pictures of her, clearly from dates or things they were at together but anyway.

I feel like I have never ever seen this side of him, he's very nonchalant, he doesn't really do big displays of affection, I don't expect it and really I find it all a bit cringe but it is making me feel odd, like he loved her more than he does me or something. Also the way he was so defensive when I found it and made it clear he wants to keep it, it isn't like he just forgot it existed.

I also don't really get the letters etc, like they were long distance yes, but it was 2018 and face time existed.

AIBU to feel weird about this? Should I tell him I looked or just leave it and move on? Or is he maybe not over her?

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 14/01/2025 07:52

Totally normal but your actions are incredibly disrespectful and a huge red flag.

I'd be concerned about yourself not him.

Spudthespanner · 14/01/2025 07:53

Spudthespanner · 14/01/2025 07:50

I'd leave you for looking through my private things.

Having read your update you should end the relationship as you are both not ready to be with each other. You're not ready to be with someone because you snoop in their private things, and he isn't over his ex and he has form for cheating.

Just end the relationship.

StMick · 14/01/2025 07:54

If my husband ever makes a comment on it I am totally honest with him and say I was with him for a huge chunk of my life and I’m not just going to erase that part of my life completely because I’m not with him anymore

This resonates with me so much. I split with my son's father when my son was 9. I was glad to be divorced but I mourned the loss of those 9 years because I now no longer had anyone to share the "remember the time baby Mick (insert endless funny anecdote)" with. So I find blame someone for finding a way of revisiting happy memories.

Strawberriesandscream101 · 14/01/2025 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request

Exactly I would feel hurt and probably wouldn't continue this relationship, it's the way he was defensive to would be a red flag for me...he should have been honest and said what's in the box. But reassured her that he's moved on...but he clearly hasnt.

QuantumPanic · 14/01/2025 07:55

I think it's totally normal to keep stuff from past relationships. My husband and I both have boxes of letters/ticket stubs/postcards, etc. - I have never looked inside of his shoebox and assume he is equally uncurious. Imo it's stranger to bin it all/erase a previous relationship when moving to the next (although from a minimalist POV it doesn't make sense to keep it - no one ever looks through memory boxes, they just sit there and gather dust! I guess all of us sentimentalists are working on the assumption that we might finally crack them open aged 80.) That person and that history is part of you. Also good to be able to check on what exact date you saw that band 20 years ago.

dynamiccactus · 14/01/2025 07:55

Pepperama · 14/01/2025 05:34

I’ve got love letters and photos from previous relationships. They’re important to me, it’s a part of my life. Doesn’t mean I love DP any less. I’d be so furious if DP did what you did and just read stuff that is highly private and knowing what it was. Trust is key and you don’t seem to trust them and they clearly can’t trust you.

Same here, I've got a box of letters from the days when we wrote them, I had lots of penfriends and I used to write loads of letters, including to boyfriends. It's years since I last looked at any, but I'd be furious if my DH got rid of them as well. (I probably would have looked as well but once I'd seen what it was I would have put them back and shrugged my shoulders).

Original poster
Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 07:59

Tbh none of this matters now. He got out the shower, threw his phone at me and said "lets just break up, I don't want a kid with you and you won't with me when you read this, plus you opening that box was do fucking stupid that I don't even like you right now"

I haven't read it but it's messages to his ex.

Now I'm sobbing and need to leave for work, fml.

OP posts:
LunaNorth · 14/01/2025 08:01

He’s horrible.

ItFellOffAgain · 14/01/2025 08:01

Sometimes, gross actions have massive consequences.

Strawberriesandscream101 · 14/01/2025 08:01

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 07:59

Tbh none of this matters now. He got out the shower, threw his phone at me and said "lets just break up, I don't want a kid with you and you won't with me when you read this, plus you opening that box was do fucking stupid that I don't even like you right now"

I haven't read it but it's messages to his ex.

Now I'm sobbing and need to leave for work, fml.

Knew this was a red flag when he got defensive run op this will only get worse. I know that!!

Lurkingandlearning · 14/01/2025 08:02

I’m with @Spudthespanner . I couldn’t be with someone who knew something was private that I didn’t want to share with them, waited until I was asleep and then trawled through it.

As I was reading your post I was thinking “don’t look in the box”. Then you actually read his letters.

Well at least he knows while he is with you he can’t expect any privacy or respect from you. But if he isn’t over her he probably doesn’t expect much from any new relationship. It all seems a bit sad and doomed to me.

WonderingAboutThus · 14/01/2025 08:03

Oh no,that sucks. Hugs!

Jobsharenightmare · 14/01/2025 08:05

I have a box from my first marriage. It's none of your business OP. It doesn't take anything away from you.

Didimum · 14/01/2025 08:05

Mulledjuice · 14/01/2025 06:19

Why does a 24 year old need help to pack?

Classic Mumsnet

Original poster
Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 08:05

Just read some of the messages. Half are him bitching about me, half are them saying he misses her and her saying something along the lines of "I miss you too but you won't move to Aus and I can't come back to the UK".

OP posts:
Jobsharenightmare · 14/01/2025 08:06

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 07:59

Tbh none of this matters now. He got out the shower, threw his phone at me and said "lets just break up, I don't want a kid with you and you won't with me when you read this, plus you opening that box was do fucking stupid that I don't even like you right now"

I haven't read it but it's messages to his ex.

Now I'm sobbing and need to leave for work, fml.

Oh dear I'm sorry to read you're splitting up.

Mummyratbag · 14/01/2025 08:07

Hopefully life is long and real love endures most things (abuse obviously not included). You are setting yourself up for a lot of pain and drama if you can't accept he has a past. I don't want to be a patronising arse, but few people spend their life with the first person they fall in love with. I have loads of stuff from when I was a teenager, Valentine's cards, letters from friends at uni, letters from boyfriends etc I don't moon over them, but it's occasionally nice to remember. I even have lots of sentimental stuff from my first (failed) marriage, it's part of who I was and it's also about who else was in my life then (wedding cards from grandparents etc) - it's everything that makes me who I am. Lucky my second husband understands all that and life has taught us that who we used to be (and who we were with) is all part of life.

All that said if he doesn't make you feel loved that is something else all together. Only you know if he gives you enough of himself to want to stay.

Startinganew32 · 14/01/2025 08:07

You’re best off knowing this and it would take someone with unshakeable self confidence not to look at the box once you knew what it contained. It’s entirely natural to want to see it - not sure if anyone watched Nobody Wants This but the exact same thing happened there and she of course looked at the box. In contrast to your horrible boyfriend, the bf in that one reassured her about their relationship rather than say that his ex was perfect and he was keeping memories of her.
I definitely would see this as over now - he’s saying he doesn’t want to have a baby with you. You’re still early enough along to terminate if you don’t want this idiot in your life for the next 18 years, which is what I would do without hesitation. You deserve better - he seems very immature and in no way ready to be a father. While a 4 year age gap isn’t huge, I think at your ages, it’s particularly obvious that you’re not on the same page.

CauliflowerBalti · 14/01/2025 08:09

I've got a similar box from my first love. It's very precious to me. I have zero feelings for them, or feelings of regret. I just can't imagine erasing a chunk of my life by getting rid of it. I don't look at it, it's just good that it's there.

I understand that you are probably feeling vulnerable, and it was 'only' 4 years ago, but it doesn't mean he hasn't move on. Just that the experience and the partner mattered to him - and that's good and healthy.

That said, I wouldn't like to know if my husband has a box of stuff from his most significant ex, so have a hug. And don't look in boxes that you know are going to hurt you.... ;-)

OK just read your updates. I am so so sorry. He's an absolute idiot.

Startinganew32 · 14/01/2025 08:09

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 08:05

Just read some of the messages. Half are him bitching about me, half are them saying he misses her and her saying something along the lines of "I miss you too but you won't move to Aus and I can't come back to the UK".

Wow. Run for the hills. What an utter tool.

Mummyratbag · 14/01/2025 08:09

OK OP - I have just read your update. I'm sorry it has come to this. I hope you have support around you.

StMick · 14/01/2025 08:10

Oh well your latest update changes everything. He's still in contact with her. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Did you get no inkling this was going on?

Original poster
Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 08:12

StMick · 14/01/2025 08:10

Oh well your latest update changes everything. He's still in contact with her. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Did you get no inkling this was going on?

I knew he followed her on instagram as he would show me her posts sometimes (usually like so and so is here doesn't it look great). He always told me it was over and she was seeing someone and he had no feelings and she lived on the other side of the world. I'm so devastated, I think I just need to call in sick at work as I've cried so hard I feel sick. He doesn't care, he is working from home today and keeps telling me to either go to his room or leave because I can't be "crying like that" while he works.

OP posts:
Startinganew32 · 14/01/2025 08:12

CauliflowerBalti · 14/01/2025 08:09

I've got a similar box from my first love. It's very precious to me. I have zero feelings for them, or feelings of regret. I just can't imagine erasing a chunk of my life by getting rid of it. I don't look at it, it's just good that it's there.

I understand that you are probably feeling vulnerable, and it was 'only' 4 years ago, but it doesn't mean he hasn't move on. Just that the experience and the partner mattered to him - and that's good and healthy.

That said, I wouldn't like to know if my husband has a box of stuff from his most significant ex, so have a hug. And don't look in boxes that you know are going to hurt you.... ;-)

OK just read your updates. I am so so sorry. He's an absolute idiot.

Edited

Interestingly, people defend this sort of thing when they are the ones with the box/letters etc but, as you say yourself, I really don’t think anyone would genuinely be okay with their current partner having a box of memories of their time with someone they describe as the love of their life.

Anyway, not only does this guy have his box of memories, he also writes to the ex saying he misses her and slags off his current girlfriend to her. Catch of the century.

notacooldad · 14/01/2025 08:14

What you do is mind your own buisness.
It's absolutely nothing to do with you.

It sounds like it was a first love and he has learned from his mistakes. He also has happy memories.
Humans are complex and able to love more than once in their lifetime
You are the red flag in this relationship in my opinion. You knew it was private and still snooped. I would dump you if you wasn't pregnant.

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