Memory box for his ex

[Chloslilly]

Hi all, my BF and I have been together for 2 years, he is 24 and I am 28. We are moving in together and I am 9 weeks pregnant (undecided if we are going to keep the baby).

Tonight after work I came to his to help him back, I found a box under the bed, it had a sticky label on it reading his name and his exes, clearly not his handwriting. He was with his ex from 16-20, long distance from 18-20 as she went away for uni. I asked what it was and he said "stuff", I asked if he wanted to keep it and what stuff (referencing the label). He said just bits and pieces and yes I want to keep it, he was quite defensive and he took it from me and sat it to the side.

I've been thinking about it all night and I woke up. I know this is an invasion of his privacy but I got up and took the box to the living room. I opened it, and it is filled with letters she sent him, little note books with polaroids of them on trips with him writing about the day beside it. Loose polaroids all with captions on the end (in her handwriting) saying things like "first date". There were some unsent letters from him to her, he dated them and they were handwritten and towards the end of the relationship. They are long and filled with details of his life, how much he misses her and loves her and can't wait to see her. Also random jewellery, book marks, tickets from events and all sorts. Also a whole little booklet just with pictures of her, clearly from dates or things they were at together but anyway.

I feel like I have never ever seen this side of him, he's very nonchalant, he doesn't really do big displays of affection, I don't expect it and really I find it all a bit cringe but it is making me feel odd, like he loved her more than he does me or something. Also the way he was so defensive when I found it and made it clear he wants to keep it, it isn't like he just forgot it existed.

I also don't really get the letters etc, like they were long distance yes, but it was 2018 and face time existed.

AIBU to feel weird about this? Should I tell him I looked or just leave it and move on? Or is he maybe not over her?

He’s still in love with her. Find your dignity and walk away.

Make a break from him.
You don't need any ties. He's too young to commit and so are you.
Go out and treat yourself to some travel etc.

The fact that he’s showing no remorse and doesn’t care that you are crying sends chills down my spine. He’s thrown his phone at you and let you look at the messages rather than talk to you like a human being.

Pack your bags and go to your parents now.

Start listening to Dr Ramani on you tube once you feel calmer.

You don’t realise it now but this is actually a lucky escape.

Expect him at some point to come back grovelling, pleading, love bombing you. Trying to get you back. Don’t fall for it. This is the man he is. Don’t forget it. Your life will be a million times better without him.

You might want to start a new thread based on the whole picture if you want some specific support or you will keep getting people posting who have only read your first post and will say you shouldn’t have snooped. Your instinct to snoop here were bang on. You thought something wasn’t right and you investigated. Well done.

She is pregnant.

OP, I’m so so sorry this has happened. I voted you are not being unreasonable before i read any of your updates. I think a lot of the replies you got were really unfair.

I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but this has done you a favour. Yes it’s horrible having your heart broken (I know this from experience and I’ve felt so broken I haven’t known how I’d keep going or how I’d ever feel ok again). But you deserve to be with someone who can’t believe their luck that they get to be with you and who is fully invested and fully yours. You will totally find that and then be glad this happened.

Keep going. It gets easier, I promise. It just takes time.

I wouldn't like it, and I wouldn't look at it, but I would understand it.

But yes. Her partner is an absolute tool.

Expect him at some point to come back grovelling, pleading, love bombing you. Trying to get you back.

I’d put money on this not happening.

I feel like I don't even know this man now. I kept looking at his instagram comments and 11 months ago on a picture of her WITH HER EX, he commented "Imagine having a girl that pretty on your arm".

She doesn't really reciprocate at all, her comments on his (which I somehow never noticed) are all funny things (like him reading on holiday and her commenting "You read? or is that a picture book".

Oh and my message applies whether you decide to keep the baby or not. Take some time to think.

As much as this hurts now, it's good that you know. Better than be in this position in five years with kids and a house. Call in sick, pack your things and go back to your parents. You'll be fine. It may be shit now, but it WILL get better and you will be relieved when you eventually look back.

I've kept a handful of keepsakes including a few letters from my marriage to show my dds, I haven't explicitly shown my now dh but we respect each others past as both had long marriages and get along with each others ex's

Memory box is one thing.

But the insta comments quite another.

This is not ok!

What an arsehole.

Go to your parents. Let them look after you.

He’s a short tempered cheater who doesn’t know what he’s got until it’s gone.

I'm sorry you are breaking up, and it is evident he was holding a torch for his previous partner. I'm sorry.
That said, it is normal to keep things like that from a significant love. You really invaded his privacy doing that, and I can see why he was angry. What happened before your relationship is not really much of your business.

Ah, that is sad. I hope you won’t end up doing the pick me thing. You can’t compete with, what you’ve now discovered is his obsession with her. Even she probably couldn’t live up to his idealised nostalgic view of her. Move on because he isn’t going to.

What an awful thing for you to do. You actively read someone else’s letters. I’m utterly shocked. Worse than going through their phone.

Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it wasn’t important, and part of who someone is now. My DH still keeps some photos of his ex and he absolutely loathed her by the end! You’re also a different person at different ages and in different relationships.

Letters are romantic and one of their key characteristics is that they can be kept and re read. Can’t be substituted by FaceTime.

You need to block both their accounts like, now. You know all you need to know, looking through things is just going to hurt you more, so remove your ability to.

What a prick to be posting stuff like that openly on another couples photo!

*Interestingly, people defend this sort of thing when they are the ones with the box/letters etc but, as you say yourself, I really don’t think anyone would genuinely be okay with their current partner having a box of memories of their time with someone they describe as the love of their life
*
OP's case aside, it's not always because they were the love of your life. In my case the years were the best time in my life, oh which my boyfriend played a part but it was much wider than I that.

I agree with prev pp you need to start a new thread cos this will just be post after post from ppl who've only read the OP & will be being ignorantly cruel.

My friend is married to a man whose first wife died very young. They have a daughter together and the daughter's middle name is the first wife's name. Sometimes you have to honour the past, but it doesn't mean that you haven't moved on.

My oh has a box of this stuff, he said when we moved in a decade ago I can read it if I'm want but it will probably upset me so I never have. I had one too and an ex made me burn it. I now have no photos of be between 15 and 25 as it was ore digital. What harm can they do?

Just read the rest of your posts, sorry it's not the box 😔 it's him. Leave him and decide what you want to do.

My ex was possessive. He once went through my photo album from university and scribbled out the face of my university boyfriend on all of them. I was furious as he had defaced every memory, some of those were on nights out with other friends. He used to read my diary, go through my bag, challenge me on things he found in my bag "it was sticking out of the bag so I picked it up" - bull, it wasn't.

Just read your updates. Sorry it’s ended but it’s probably for the best. You still shouldn’t have looked.

Sorry but I don't like that. They could have got a puppy and called it after the first wife, but not a child. Each to their own though but I wouldn't have gone with that.

When I was doing some history research I found that the widower of a woman who died at 34 later had a daughter with another woman, whom he never married, and gave her both names of his first wife, which were very distinctive. I don't think it's fair on the new partner.

It's probably a good thing she did as she's found out that he's been messaging his ex and slagging off OP and he's just told her that he doesn't want the baby.