Memory box for his ex

[Chloslilly]

Hi all, my BF and I have been together for 2 years, he is 24 and I am 28. We are moving in together and I am 9 weeks pregnant (undecided if we are going to keep the baby).

Tonight after work I came to his to help him back, I found a box under the bed, it had a sticky label on it reading his name and his exes, clearly not his handwriting. He was with his ex from 16-20, long distance from 18-20 as she went away for uni. I asked what it was and he said "stuff", I asked if he wanted to keep it and what stuff (referencing the label). He said just bits and pieces and yes I want to keep it, he was quite defensive and he took it from me and sat it to the side.

I've been thinking about it all night and I woke up. I know this is an invasion of his privacy but I got up and took the box to the living room. I opened it, and it is filled with letters she sent him, little note books with polaroids of them on trips with him writing about the day beside it. Loose polaroids all with captions on the end (in her handwriting) saying things like "first date". There were some unsent letters from him to her, he dated them and they were handwritten and towards the end of the relationship. They are long and filled with details of his life, how much he misses her and loves her and can't wait to see her. Also random jewellery, book marks, tickets from events and all sorts. Also a whole little booklet just with pictures of her, clearly from dates or things they were at together but anyway.

I feel like I have never ever seen this side of him, he's very nonchalant, he doesn't really do big displays of affection, I don't expect it and really I find it all a bit cringe but it is making me feel odd, like he loved her more than he does me or something. Also the way he was so defensive when I found it and made it clear he wants to keep it, it isn't like he just forgot it existed.

I also don't really get the letters etc, like they were long distance yes, but it was 2018 and face time existed.

AIBU to feel weird about this? Should I tell him I looked or just leave it and move on? Or is he maybe not over her?

That is totally different to the OP's situation!

I can see OPs updates again now - there is some ripe language and a specific name mentioned, so perhaps it was thought it was the ex's genuine name?

All I can say OP is thank god you found out before you had his child.

He’s a nasty piece of shit and I’m sure they’ve probably been signs of this you’ve ignored before now.

I know you need time to think but I’d strongly consider having an abortion otherwise you’ll be tied to this dickhead for the rest of your life and will be providing your child with a cruel, dishonest, feckless dick for a father.

Can also now see the posts, that escalated quickly.

End of relationship!

Oh OP. I have just read your update that he has admitted to having sex with her recently.

He is not a good man. He’s lied to you, cheated on you, withheld love, got you pregnant and is now saying he doesn’t want to start a family and now he’s gaslighting you to make you think that you are to blame. He’s ignoring your very understandable pain and in fact is angrily telling you to stop expressing it. A normal human being wouldn’t have done this in the first place, would feel bad for doing it and would be showing empathy.

I realised that you are only 9 weeks pregnant so you have choices. I know what I would do but you need to make the best choice for you.

He won’t change. A baby won’t change him. Don’t be under any illusion it will. If you go ahead with the pregnancy expect to do it as a single mother and for any involvement from him to be difficult.

When he realises that he can’t have her and he doesn’t have you he is likely to come back grovelling and love bombing but don’t fall for it.

Get yourself to somewhere where someone will support you if you can. Would your mum come out of work as it’s a crisis?

I think he’s more likely to move to Australia than love bomb and grovel, personally. He’s still in love with his first love and it sounds as if it’s mutual.

I’m very sorry @Chloslilly but it’s for the best that it’s over and he’s made it so clear. Now you have the chance to decide where your life goes next without him in the picture.

I disagree. My husband and I were together from the age of 20 until he died aged 47. Yes, there is an element of holding onto him by keeping letters and photos, but it's also reminders of events had with friends and family, major milestones like buying our house and getting married, and the birth of our children, and other people's life events. A written and photographed history of good times. These are all things which form your history and the person you become - why would you want the person you love to pretend those things didn't happen?

I can’t see where he admits to having sex with her recently, she emigrated to Aus, so isn’t around.

Or have I missed a post?

Ops post at 9.00am. She visited in June.

You have. He had sex with her in June apparently.

....

You need to think about what's best for you now OP. Sending huge hugs your way xxx

Sorry missed that!

End of relationship!

Take your pro life shit elsewhere

Report it. I have.

Very different if you are widowed. If you split up from an ex and want to hold onto a box of memories of them and keep them under your bed, that’s not a good sign that you are over them. I don’t know anyone who does that. Anyway, in OP’s case he wasn’t over her and even cheated on OP with her so she was 100% right to be concerned about it.

This reads like a creative writing course assignment? If genuine you obviously need to leave him immediately.

Oof. That's rough. You obviously had some doubts or you wouldn't have opened the box, and at least now you know where you stand. He has no right to tell you not to cry. He obviously doesn't want to take responsibility for the pain he's caused. Funny that the box was supposed to remind him not to fuck someone else over when he's done exactly that to you. He's not changed, he's still a cheat and a liar. Get your stuff together, straighten up and don't waste another minute on him.

FWIW, it's pretty rare for a 28 yo woman and a 24 yo man to be aligned in terms of maturity and emotional intelligence.

(P.S. What you do regarding the pregnancy is up to you, but it sounds like this man will contribute nothing but inconvenience to the process and one way or another, he'll be in your life for at least 18 years.)

OP I really hope you are safe and somewhere you can progess your feelings without being harassed for it.
He clearly didn't learn from his memory box because he cheated on you too! Try to focus on the silver lining, at least you can escape from this man before he wastes any more of your time. Do you have anyone to support you IRL?

Seen your 09:00 post @Chloslilly. What a nasty, ruthless man. Telling you to stop crying and get out when he’s:

• made you pregnant
• was about to move in with you
• just told you he doesn’t want a child with you
• just told you he (presumably) cheated on you with his ex.

Does he have no morals, conscience or sense or responsibility whatsoever? Does he have no respect for you? Total scoundrel.

I certainly would get out. For good. And never want to see him again. For that reason, I wouldn’t choose to have his child. But that’s, of course, entirely your choice.

Take it easy and speak to family and friends.

Read the thread ffs

Aww that's really cute. A first romance. He was a child. Honestly let this go

@Chloslilly This man is showing you his true colours.

You won’t see this now, but you’ll look back on this as a lucky escape.

Go to your mums. Talk about the pregnancy and how you want to move forwards. Get people around you who love you and can support you.

You’ve been treated appallingly, someone you thought loved you and wanted a future with you… it will take time to get over such a massive betrayal so you need people around you that you trust.

wishing you all the best.