Page 5 | Memory box for his ex

Startinganew32 · 14/01/2025 08:15

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 08:12

I knew he followed her on instagram as he would show me her posts sometimes (usually like so and so is here doesn't it look great). He always told me it was over and she was seeing someone and he had no feelings and she lived on the other side of the world. I'm so devastated, I think I just need to call in sick at work as I've cried so hard I feel sick. He doesn't care, he is working from home today and keeps telling me to either go to his room or leave because I can't be "crying like that" while he works.

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So you still have your own place then if you’ve not yet moved in? You need to go there. I agree you should call in sick. Take a day to yourself but leave the flat. He’s showing you that he doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s awful and so hurtful but see it as a lucky escape because this relationship would not have turned out well. He was lying to you all along.

Sometimeswinning · 14/01/2025 08:15

Nonaynevernomore · 14/01/2025 07:33

I think he needs input into whether he wants to continue a relationship with someone who looks into his personal stuff.

Perhaps OP should give him access to her phone, to look at previous photos, messages etc and decide how he feels about her previous relationships and if she’s allowed to keep them?

Pregnancy is still not an excuse, you can’t throw away rules and decency because you’re pregnant.

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Imagine if she hadn’t looked in the box. He’d still be dragging her along to a house and perhaps having a baby!

Sometimes another persons needs do not trump your own.

DaDaDoDaiDa · 14/01/2025 08:16

Startinganew32 · 14/01/2025 08:12

Interestingly, people defend this sort of thing when they are the ones with the box/letters etc but, as you say yourself, I really don’t think anyone would genuinely be okay with their current partner having a box of memories of their time with someone they describe as the love of their life.

Anyway, not only does this guy have his box of memories, he also writes to the ex saying he misses her and slags off his current girlfriend to her. Catch of the century.

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I have boxes and my husband of 20 years has a carrier bag full of that kind of thing - we are both fine with it. The difference here and probably for pps who also have memento boxes, is that we are not still in contact with these people, haven't been in contact for decades, and wouldn't dream of trying to make contact.

Original poster

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 08:16

Startinganew32 · 14/01/2025 08:15

So you still have your own place then if you’ve not yet moved in? You need to go there. I agree you should call in sick. Take a day to yourself but leave the flat. He’s showing you that he doesn’t give a shit about you. It’s awful and so hurtful but see it as a lucky escape because this relationship would not have turned out well. He was lying to you all along.

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I was living with my parents so I can go back there and look for somewhere of my own when I'm ready. It hurts so bad, I really believed he was the one I would marry.

OP posts:

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 08:17

Pepperama · 14/01/2025 05:34

I’ve got love letters and photos from previous relationships. They’re important to me, it’s a part of my life. Doesn’t mean I love DP any less. I’d be so furious if DP did what you did and just read stuff that is highly private and knowing what it was. Trust is key and you don’t seem to trust them and they clearly can’t trust you.

@Chloslilly The first girlfriend was probably his ''first true love''.
You weren't in his life then, but first relationships can be very intense.

I too {as a teenager} snooped through a boyfriend's private box, and found letters from his first girlfriend.

I was very upset and jealous, but now, with the hindsight of a more mature age, it was deeply wrong to have snooped.

Snoopers never find stuff that does them any good.

Thatissimplyuntrue · 14/01/2025 08:18

Thats awful. I’m so sorry.

This is going to be really painful for a while but now you know his true colours. It’s better now than further down the line. He is not a good man to be in a relationship with you, start a family with you and be trying to woo his ex back. Then doing a DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse victim offender. He lied about the box and then made you out to be the bad guy for looking.

Many women have saved their self respect by snooping. Your instincts told something was off and so you checked it out and you were right.

Whilst it might not feel it, it’s better you know now. And you are so young. Focus on your baby and look after yourself the best you can.

The first thing to do now is tell someone in real life who you trust to listen, be calm and kind. Good luck. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug.

CurlewKate · 14/01/2025 08:18

Bad enough that you looked. Worse that you read everything. I hope he dumps you.

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 14/01/2025 08:18

Crystall88 · 14/01/2025 05:26

This sounds childish as just can't imagine an older man or any man really, doing this. My first thought is he's not over her otherwise he wouldn't care.

This is incredibly sexist, and with this incredibly blinkered view you're judging him on the standards/traits which you think men should be held to, rather than a adult person who has a full range of emotions.

It's completely normal for all humans to value love - women and men. It is also entirely fair for a person to have momentos reminding them of love that they felt, and feeling good about that, without having feelings for the person that originally made them feel that way (think of it as remembering a time/place/their younger self etc.).

This feels like those people who have a problem with their partner 's relationship history. Unless you have been together since young adults, it's fair that he has a past and you picked him knowing this. Don't now make an issue of it.

If you're unhappy that he has these things, look at yourself first and try to understand why this has upset you so much. Whether you feel vulnerable or jealous or something else that's fine because you can work through it, but your bf should have to suffer for it. That he is sentimental is actually a good thing.

WellsAndThistles · 14/01/2025 08:18

Bloody Nora, sounds like Fred West.

Has he started a box with your name on it yet?

MooseBreath · 14/01/2025 08:19

I have been with my husband for 13 years, but I still have a box of memories from my exes. They were a very important part of my life. The fact that I am happily married to someone else (who is a far bigger part of my life) doesn't mean the past is washed away!

Edit: Just read the updates. Obviously he wasn't over her and is an absolute asshole. I don't think a memory box is reason to believe someone isn't over their ex though.

Thatissimplyuntrue · 14/01/2025 08:19

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 08:17

@Chloslilly The first girlfriend was probably his ''first true love''.
You weren't in his life then, but first relationships can be very intense.

I too {as a teenager} snooped through a boyfriend's private box, and found letters from his first girlfriend.

I was very upset and jealous, but now, with the hindsight of a more mature age, it was deeply wrong to have snooped.

Snoopers never find stuff that does them any good.

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He’s now come clean about his ongoing relationship with his ex s d has been abusive. It’s a good thing she snooped as her instincts were right that he was hiding something. Better she knows his true colours now.

Thatissimplyuntrue · 14/01/2025 08:20

MooseBreath · 14/01/2025 08:19

I have been with my husband for 13 years, but I still have a box of memories from my exes. They were a very important part of my life. The fact that I am happily married to someone else (who is a far bigger part of my life) doesn't mean the past is washed away!

Edit: Just read the updates. Obviously he wasn't over her and is an absolute asshole. I don't think a memory box is reason to believe someone isn't over their ex though.

Edited

Read the OPs updates.

UndermyShoeJoe · 14/01/2025 08:20

CurlewKate · 14/01/2025 08:18

Bad enough that you looked. Worse that you read everything. I hope he dumps you.

He has, he was also messaging said ex bitching about the op

UndermyShoeJoe · 14/01/2025 08:21

Least you can leave and not be tied to this chap with a baby know you know what his really like.

Nice lie too. Oh I kept the box so I don’t fuck up like that again …. Oh here’s me texting said ex telling her I miss her want her and I hate my pregnant girlfriend …

YourAzureEagle · 14/01/2025 08:21

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 05:19

Hi all, my BF and I have been together for 2 years, he is 24 and I am 28. We are moving in together and I am 9 weeks pregnant (undecided if we are going to keep the baby).

Tonight after work I came to his to help him back, I found a box under the bed, it had a sticky label on it reading his name and his exes, clearly not his handwriting. He was with his ex from 16-20, long distance from 18-20 as she went away for uni. I asked what it was and he said "stuff", I asked if he wanted to keep it and what stuff (referencing the label). He said just bits and pieces and yes I want to keep it, he was quite defensive and he took it from me and sat it to the side.

I've been thinking about it all night and I woke up. I know this is an invasion of his privacy but I got up and took the box to the living room. I opened it, and it is filled with letters she sent him, little note books with polaroids of them on trips with him writing about the day beside it. Loose polaroids all with captions on the end (in her handwriting) saying things like "first date". There were some unsent letters from him to her, he dated them and they were handwritten and towards the end of the relationship. They are long and filled with details of his life, how much he misses her and loves her and can't wait to see her. Also random jewellery, book marks, tickets from events and all sorts. Also a whole little booklet just with pictures of her, clearly from dates or things they were at together but anyway.

I feel like I have never ever seen this side of him, he's very nonchalant, he doesn't really do big displays of affection, I don't expect it and really I find it all a bit cringe but it is making me feel odd, like he loved her more than he does me or something. Also the way he was so defensive when I found it and made it clear he wants to keep it, it isn't like he just forgot it existed.

I also don't really get the letters etc, like they were long distance yes, but it was 2018 and face time existed.

AIBU to feel weird about this? Should I tell him I looked or just leave it and move on? Or is he maybe not over her?

My grandfather had a similar box from his first love, (not my grandmother, who he was very much in love with and married for 50 years) - Its just sentimentality for something that was formative and meant something.

I wouldn't worry about it, we are shaped by our past experiences, some hold on only to memories, some tokens of that time.

Thatissimplyuntrue · 14/01/2025 08:21

BecuaseIWantItThatWay · 14/01/2025 08:18

This is incredibly sexist, and with this incredibly blinkered view you're judging him on the standards/traits which you think men should be held to, rather than a adult person who has a full range of emotions.

It's completely normal for all humans to value love - women and men. It is also entirely fair for a person to have momentos reminding them of love that they felt, and feeling good about that, without having feelings for the person that originally made them feel that way (think of it as remembering a time/place/their younger self etc.).

This feels like those people who have a problem with their partner 's relationship history. Unless you have been together since young adults, it's fair that he has a past and you picked him knowing this. Don't now make an issue of it.

If you're unhappy that he has these things, look at yourself first and try to understand why this has upset you so much. Whether you feel vulnerable or jealous or something else that's fine because you can work through it, but your bf should have to suffer for it. That he is sentimental is actually a good thing.

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He has now confessed to an ongoing relationship with his ex and has been abusive. The OPs instincts were right.

Thatissimplyuntrue · 14/01/2025 08:22

YourAzureEagle · 14/01/2025 08:21

My grandfather had a similar box from his first love, (not my grandmother, who he was very much in love with and married for 50 years) - Its just sentimentality for something that was formative and meant something.

I wouldn't worry about it, we are shaped by our past experiences, some hold on only to memories, some tokens of that time.

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Read the OPs updates.

notacooldad · 14/01/2025 08:22

Ok, I just read the 08:05 message after I typed mine.

Interestingly, people defend this sort of thing when they are the ones with the box/letters etc but, as you say yourself, I really don’t think anyone would genuinely be okay with their current partner having a box of memories of their time with someone they describe as the love of their life
I don't have a memory box but I wish I did. I had a few great relationships in my teens and early 20s. It would be nice to reminisce now and then. I adore dh and have been with him 35 years.
Dh still has a few bits and pieces from a teen relationship from nearly 50 years ago. He has openly talked to the kids about them when they've asked where they came from. It seriously isn't an issue.

Anyway, not only does this guy have his box of memories, he also writes to the ex saying he misses her and slags off his current girlfriend to her. Catch of the century Nothing wrong with a memory box. Everything wrong with slagging off gf.

Startinganew32 · 14/01/2025 08:23

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 08:17

@Chloslilly The first girlfriend was probably his ''first true love''.
You weren't in his life then, but first relationships can be very intense.

I too {as a teenager} snooped through a boyfriend's private box, and found letters from his first girlfriend.

I was very upset and jealous, but now, with the hindsight of a more mature age, it was deeply wrong to have snooped.

Snoopers never find stuff that does them any good.

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I’d beg to differ - she has now found out how he really feels and has potentially saved herself tying herself to this man forever by having a child with him (if she decides to terminate). She’s also found out that he doesn’t want to have a baby with her - pretty massive.
If I accidentally found a box with my DP’s and exes names on it and he was super defensive and not willing to show me, I would look because I’d been put on alert that there was something in there he didn’t want me to see.

AleynEivlys · 14/01/2025 08:23

I'm glad you looked in the box. My ex had one too, and though he tried to make it seem like he hated her, he was obsessed with his ex the 6 miserable years we were together. He was also highly emotionally abusive to me - probably to her as well with hindsight. When I finally left, he started stalking me. There was something inherently wrong with him.

I've got two daughters now, a different life. I don't think about him. As far as I know though, he's still living with his parents in his forties and probably still living in his demented fantasy that his ex will come back to him one day.

Please leave. This isn't anything to do with you. You can't change it - you never could have changed it no matter who you were, or the way you treated him, or how much you wanted him to love you. He doesn't. He won't. He's not worth your time. It isn't your fault, and it's nothing you've done. There is better out there. Plenty of men will appreciate you as you are in the here and now, rather than pathetically obsessing over something that doesn't exist.

Original poster

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 08:24

I just looked on her insta and he has commented on every single picture over the last 6 months. Sometimes innocent like "some scran that" but mostly "Ooof look at you" or "Can't tell if the background or the subject is better looking"

OP posts:

oakleaffy · 14/01/2025 08:25

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 07:40

Okay I was wrong to do that. I told him when he woke up and he was pretty angry understandably.
However I think I have confirmation he isn't over her as when I asked why he kept it he angrily said "cause I fucked up a perfect relationship and it's the worst thing I've ever done, she deserved better and I keep it as reminders to never fuck someone over like that again" (he cheated on her).

He's now giving me silent treatment and saying we will discuss it after work.

@Chloslilly DO NOT marry this man {I'd think very hard about continuing with an early pregnancy as well as it will trap you to this horrid man for the next 18 years.

He cheated on the woman he supposedly loved {His past girlfriend} - he's awful.

Once a cheat, always a cheat.

He'll cheat on you, too.

Did you get pregnant hoping he'd marry you?

Move back in with your parents and make a fresh start.

Startinganew32 · 14/01/2025 08:25

Chloslilly · 14/01/2025 08:24

I just looked on her insta and he has commented on every single picture over the last 6 months. Sometimes innocent like "some scran that" but mostly "Ooof look at you" or "Can't tell if the background or the subject is better looking"

Grim. What a wanker. Thank god you looked and didn’t take this slimeball’s word for it.

Caerulea · 14/01/2025 08:25

I'm so sorry, OP, what a horrible & sad situation. Your update doesn't surprise me unfortunately & I voted YANBU with my whole chest & I just don't understand many of the replies you got cos it seemed bloody obvious.

You've dodged a bullet here, though, you're lucky in many ways cos this would have come to a head at some point & you might have been playing happy families when it did.

You must feel crushed by this pig of a man, what a cretin.

Focus on you & what you'd like to do with your pregnancy. Can you talk about all this with your parents?

Figgygal · 14/01/2025 08:26

I dont see a problem with the box itself.
He still loves his ex though its probably an idealised version of her given their ages and the fact they were separated for half that time.
Hes still bloody young at 24 and showing it In h8s reaction to you snooping. I think the messages clinch it though even if his reaction today can be excused the emotional affair which is what that sounds like cant.