Memory box for his ex

[Chloslilly]

Hi all, my BF and I have been together for 2 years, he is 24 and I am 28. We are moving in together and I am 9 weeks pregnant (undecided if we are going to keep the baby).

Tonight after work I came to his to help him back, I found a box under the bed, it had a sticky label on it reading his name and his exes, clearly not his handwriting. He was with his ex from 16-20, long distance from 18-20 as she went away for uni. I asked what it was and he said "stuff", I asked if he wanted to keep it and what stuff (referencing the label). He said just bits and pieces and yes I want to keep it, he was quite defensive and he took it from me and sat it to the side.

I've been thinking about it all night and I woke up. I know this is an invasion of his privacy but I got up and took the box to the living room. I opened it, and it is filled with letters she sent him, little note books with polaroids of them on trips with him writing about the day beside it. Loose polaroids all with captions on the end (in her handwriting) saying things like "first date". There were some unsent letters from him to her, he dated them and they were handwritten and towards the end of the relationship. They are long and filled with details of his life, how much he misses her and loves her and can't wait to see her. Also random jewellery, book marks, tickets from events and all sorts. Also a whole little booklet just with pictures of her, clearly from dates or things they were at together but anyway.

I feel like I have never ever seen this side of him, he's very nonchalant, he doesn't really do big displays of affection, I don't expect it and really I find it all a bit cringe but it is making me feel odd, like he loved her more than he does me or something. Also the way he was so defensive when I found it and made it clear he wants to keep it, it isn't like he just forgot it existed.

I also don't really get the letters etc, like they were long distance yes, but it was 2018 and face time existed.

AIBU to feel weird about this? Should I tell him I looked or just leave it and move on? Or is he maybe not over her?

He wasn't old though. The OP said 18-20. If it was his first relationship it was important to him.

Just because he doesn't want to get rid of those mementoes - yet- doesn't mean anything. I really would mind your own business and don't push it.

Seems fairly normal for a teenage relationship, I have loads of letters and stuff from friendships and teen relationship. I wouldn’t act like that now. I’ve kept all the letters from when I was a teen, they were part of my life even if I don’t send stuff like that anymore. Doesn’t mean I liked the people in my life when I was 16 more than those in my life now.

She’s pregnant. That’s a very harsh thing to say.

One is a memory box of times gone by the other is a shrine in a box. So no completely different things.

She is pregnant and does not know if she wants to carry on with the pregnancy, she’s found herself questioning him and his feelings. Before she commits to having a family she needs to know if he’s 100% on board. She slipped a bit but I don’t blame her at all. Her

Plus I think pregnancy excuses a lot of things!

It makes sense that you might be feeling vulnerable and insecure, given your pregnancy. But the only way to find out if the relationship is going to work is to talk to him and follow your instincts. People do change and we can never know someone entirely - we generally project our image of them onto them and become upset if they break it. Him not wanting to throw away that box is entirely understandable and reasonable.

My first thought when I read the title of this post was that the girlfriend had tragically died.
However, regardless of the circumstances you were wrong to sneakily take the box and read the letters.
People change and the very fact that he doesn't now do big displays of affection doesn't mean he didn't do this in the past - he might have been super-sensitive at one time but as he has matured he has strengthened in character.
You can't change the past but you can invest your energy in trusting him - I doubt he will ever trust you if he discovers you've read his personal letters.

I think he needs input into whether he wants to continue a relationship with someone who looks into his personal stuff.

Perhaps OP should give him access to her phone, to look at previous photos, messages etc and decide how he feels about her previous relationships and if she’s allowed to keep them?

Pregnancy is still not an excuse, you can’t throw away rules and decency because you’re pregnant.

Nothing wrong with him having the post. It was vvvv wrong of you to look through it.

The issue isn’t the box, it’s him not telling you the whole truth about the box when you asked and you looking through it without his permission.

Come clean about it, apologise and accept you did the wrong thing, and tell him you’d like to understand more about how he feels about this woman now.

If you’re able to have an adult conversation about this and come out with the relationship stronger, that will suggest you’re both ready for the demands and difficult conversations that come with parenthood. And if you’re not, that will tell you something too.

Okay I was wrong to do that. I told him when he woke up and he was pretty angry understandably.
However I think I have confirmation he isn't over her as when I asked why he kept it he angrily said "cause I fucked up a perfect relationship and it's the worst thing I've ever done, she deserved better and I keep it as reminders to never fuck someone over like that again" (he cheated on her).

He's now giving me silent treatment and saying we will discuss it after work.

It's memories of a significant period in his life. No matter what he does with that box, he will always have that past with someone else and that is something you have to accept that. She is his past. You are his present.

I was with my ex for 9 years and have kept certain things that we collected together, some more meaningful than others.

If my husband ever makes a comment on it I am totally honest with him and say I was with him for a huge chunk of my life and I’m not just going to erase that part of my life completely because I’m not with him anymore. However we ended on good-ish terms and we are now married with a child and live abroad, so I guess he knows I am not going back there lol!

i would however be very upset that my partner went through personal belongings…if your doing that now where will it end?

I have the odd photos of ex partners (ones with good memories, the others I binned). I had letters, etc but prefer to forget my past. DH has a box with photos and bits. It doesn't bother me. It's just memories, he was allowed to be happy with someone else before he met me.

However, I do not agree with you going through the box and reading his personal letters. You may be his girlfriend and pregnant but what you did is worse than going through his phone! they were private letter he had written and not sent, you effectively went through his head! Wrong on so many levels.

YABVU. You invaded his privacy for a start - that isn’t acceptable. And you can’t tell him you want him to get rid of the box as it’s none of your business.

He was 16-20. First loves/teenage romances are different to relationships when you’re older, so of course he’s not the same with you and you can’t imagine him like that.

I’ve kept a box of love letters and cards from a boyfriend I had before I met my husband. He was my first love and the letters are so sweet and completely over the top in the way only your first love can be. There’s hundreds of them.
I’m very happily married. Keeping mementos means nothing other than sentimentality.

So he cheats, obfuscates, holds his past relationship up as ‘perfect’, gives you the silent treatment and keeps a shrine-in-a-box under his bed?

Run.

Well if some of the writing is hers, it's obviously something she did and wanted, and she asked that of him. Maybe he doesn't do it now because he doesn't regard it as important. It's a very 'young' thing to do, very first relationship. He's grown out of it, it isn't a competition.

I have mementos and letters from my teen and uni relationships. I'd be very upset if DP (of 13 years) wanted me to get rid of them, even though I don't miss the relationships or want those days back. I think most people on this thread agree that your DP is entitled to his memories and to keep sentimental items. It's part of his story. Doesn't mean he hasn't moved on.

OK, I have read your update which changes things somewhat. He’s not over her. I’d never accept being second best and I’d be planning my exit.

How do we know he isn't? There might be a box she doesn't know about. Remember the Friends episode where Ross accuses Rachel of not being sentimental about their time dating, and she brings out a box of stuff she'd kept as mementos of dates?

Oh dear @Chloslilly. First love is powerful and now he’s memorialising her as the perfect woman that he lost due to his behaviour. Even if the relationship was flawed, he’s built a picture in his head that it was the best thing that ever happened, that he lost. He’s not over her at all.

His comments are the red flag here, not the box.

I have some mementos from my first love, who I was with from 17 till 22. I'm 54 now. I've not kept them because they remind me of him as such, but they evoke one of the happiest periods of my life. Being young (and slim!), popular, carefree, great social life.

Maybe he wrote letters to her because getting a paper letter was meaningful for her, but he knows that's not your thing so has adapted to you.

Oh whilst I can understand what you did. It's human nature sometimes in some of us. It was a long time ago and like a photo album.
I made a photo album recently and in some are exs because they were part if my life and my children's at that time. It doesnt mean I want them back it means these were moments that became memories I'm fond of. The same as you will have memories out of moments together. He fell for you for you.
You could be honest and not say about opening the box but say " how do you feel about me, the box has made me insecure and I don't want us to decide on baby while I'm insecure".
He may surprise you.

I'd leave you for looking through my private things.