Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

If OP doesn't return and address the issue of the previous marital separation and how that happened/what the results were, then I suspect the OP is not genuine. If she really wants help/advice she would need to include that in the account of the situation, because it is highly relevant to any relationship advice. Not necessarily to weight loss advice though, that is pretty clear cut, if he can go on WLI he should do so immediately (and don't wait for the NHS to provide them, which they certainly would but maybe not immediately).

If you don't want to leave him, please talk to him about your fears about his health and how you don't want to lose him. His blood pressure and cholesterol must be at dangerous levels so he really needs to see his GP as soon as possible. He would definitely be a candidate for weight loss drugs/injections and a previous poster has said that her DH is losing a stone a month on them.

He obviously loves you and your children, so surely he would understand the impact on you all if he had a heart attack or stroke due to his weight.

@limonandleme give it a rest. Yes you have been vile.

Absolutely makes sense, but it’s not happening.

So what’s actually important? Is it him losing the weight? Or is it him caring enough about you that he does something about losing the weight unprompted?

6 years ago my 6ft 2 husband tipped the scales at 32 stone. He ended up needing a gastric sleeve to lose the weight. He’s now around 21 stone (around 2 stone of that is excess skin) he’s a big bloke, never going to be 10 stone. But the snoring…I remember it well!

But, and here’s the horrible bit, you can’t do anything about it. My husband had his light bulb moment about his weight when he got stuck on the floor after doing some work under a car, he couldn’t get up-took him nearly half an hour and I’m not joking within a week he was flying to Egypt to have the operation. It’s been great for us but your husband needs to have his moment. You can tell him how it affects you but it might not be enough.

@lacey79 you clearly love him and care about him. Maybe couple therapy could be a suggestion, that way you can navigate how to approach him in loving way. I don't think you should leave him there's so much love there, and he just needs some help with his weight, and it is in his own benefit if he lost the weight. I hope things work for you both

This I couldn't be with someone like this he is gross

Nah. He has no right to be angry because you don't want to lie with him.

35 stone? What's going on with him? Is he depressed or just greedy? He is dangerously overweight and should consider weight loss interventions.

This but also getting no good quality sleep and working nights (which is a whole huge subject in itself) is very damaging for you OP.

I think you need to have a serious chat with him and give him an ultimatum with a six month time limit. Unless he has done every single thing in his power to reverse this in that time, I would be leaving.

A PP has mentioned that you will be his carer any minute now so you will wreck your body in addition.

Love has to flow both ways. Currently it's all take take take. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Why does he get exclusive use of the bedroom, if you are sleeping in separate rooms? When you sleep downstairs, is it on the sofa/blow up mattress etc? If you don’t have a spare room, I’d at least want to take turns using the main bedroom, eg he can use it when you are on night shifts, then it’s your turn on on your nights off. Maybe switch the double bed for 2 singles, so it’s only his own mattress that is getting destroyed. If he had to “slum it” by sleeping downstairs, it might be the nudge he needs to do something about his weight.

DH and I have separate rooms due to his snoring, and it has saved my sanity.

@lifesingflowers they did separate before though, and she dated other people. We don't know the reasons for that split though, was it weight-related? Or the reason for the reconciliation, did he make any changes, weight-wise or otherwise? Any advice on splitting or not splitting now would need to take these issues into account.

Op you having tattoos or different hair is irrelevant - neither of those things impact his health.

Prolonged poor quality of sleep is directly impacting your physical health, as well as your mental health. He may have many good qualities and be a lovely man, but he is not being a good husband to you or a good father to his children.

You cannot continue with broken sleep and a half-life in which you aren't doing anything as a family because of his size, where he sulks if you dare bring up the impact it's having on you. It sounds soul destroying.

It may be hard for him to face but he needs to deal with it. We only get one life, and yours is being spent exhausted, snappy, on night shift, and sexless, all because your husband won't look after himself, and that's ignoring all of the risks he is creating for himself and the strain he is putting you and your children under. Is that the life you want to look back on?

You are not a bad person for being at the end of your tether. He needs to make changes or you need to leave for your own sake and the sake of your DCs.

From how you talk about him as a person, its clear that you still love him and aside from the weight issue he sounds great. I wouldn't throw that away without a fight. I'd come at it from a health perspective. That you're both getting older and you are so worried about the impact his weight is having on his health. Your plans for the future (retirement etc) and how you won't be able to do any of it if he's not physically able or even worse, not still alive! It is a tough conversation to have, but you need to get it started. Good luck

I agree with this (v pleased for your husband BTW!). If he never has his moment, he will die - with a BMI of over 55 sadly death could be round the corner at any time, and it's unfair for you to have to be worrying about that. The problem is, how long do you wait before you're done waiting?

I would have a chat with him. I say that as a morbidly obese person, it's very easy to bury your head in the sand and not notice just how big you are getting.

I am taking mounjaro and have lost about 5 stone. I feel so much better for it, but I am ashamed to say I'm still not back at the weight I was when I got pregnant with my first baby. And I was obese back then too.

I think the wake up call for me was seeing a friends partner being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes at 40, and not being about to use our scales at home as I was over the weight limit on them.

I'm currently struggling getting focused after christmas, but getting there. I also am considering having a chat with my friend. She and her partner have put on a massive amount of weight in the last few years, she's gone from a size 16 to probably a 30 in the last 6 years. She is on the weight management clinics books, but say they can't afford mounjaro. We've chatted about how hard it is in the past but I don't know how well its going to go down coming from me that can afford mounjaro though. See, they could afford it if they cut back on things, like takeaways and having a fancy car.

If i had gained the weight and had a man tell me "your weight is ruining my sex life" there would be uproar.

I don't think I would cause any uproar if a man said this to a woman who had reached THIRTY-FIVE STONE.

Your partner hasn't just 'gained weight'. He's gained weight to the point where he's essentially disabled himself.

Nobody who reaches that size has reached that size without realising it or just by struggling to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Your partner has major, major issues with food to have reached that size. He needs some serious help and if he doesn't at least try to get that help then yes, I would leave him.

I see this all the time in healthcare so many loving and giving soulss ruining their own health to care for others.

At the very least please sleep in your own bed, he needs to move to the sofa. You are making everything way way too comfortable for him, he has no reason to change.

Get ear plugs and try to rest. You won’t be woken by the post, or daylight or every day.

Please start there, and then work on how you can approach this so that the outcome is action. Tough love is needed now if you are going to save your own sanity and marriage. Your mental health must be flatlining with the night shifts and lack of sleep.

Hi OP it sounds like you're in a tough situation. I've been in a similar position but it was my weight gain that was the issue.

I put on a lot of weight during covid and just carried on gaining until February last year. It all came to a head when my husband sat me down and told me how my weight gain was effecting him. He wasn't sleeping because of my snoring, missed us being active together (before covid we did a lot of hiking and adventure holidays) and also admitted that he was less attracted to me. Most of all though, he was really worried about my health, he doesn't want me to become ill because of my weight and worse case scenario die at a relatively young age.

The whole conversation was very open and honest and quite brutal to hear however, it did make me realise I needed to make changes. I started weight loss injections, hubby helped me research them and I have been using my fitness pal to track what I'm eating. I had lost all perspective when it comes to food and eating when I'm hungry rather than when I just wanted to.

Nearly a year after that conversation I'm am very nearly at a healthy weight, more active, feel healthier, we are both sleeping better and the big plus is we are having a lot more sex! I feel attractive and I know my husband fancies me again which makes sex much more fun.

I would really recommend having an open and honest conversation with your husband about his weight gain and it's impact on your life. Be kind and reassuring but don't sugar coat anything. I also think any change needs to come from him, don't push any weight loss but make it clear that you will help and support him if its something he wants to do. If he talks about seriously wanting to make a change, then look at the how (i would recommend the medical route).

If he doesn't make changes then I really think you need to seriously think about changes in your living situation. Would separate rooms be a possibility? Black out blinds and your own comfy bed?

Op said on a post two years ago ‘I have been on quite a few dates in the 5 years ive been single’. Agreeing with other posters that this doesn’t quite make sense in light of what she has said in this thread.

Being single for 5+ years and only getting back with this man within the past 24 months completely changes the narrative and advice anyone can give. It’s very confusing.

I think this is really sensible and is what I would do

Several years ago I put on alot of weight (3 stone ish) and didn't realise how big I'd got until I saw a pic from a bad angle and was horrified. Immediately started on a health journey and now a healthy weight and able to be much more active. I gave my husband 'permission' to gently talk to me if I ever get that big again. He says he was always attracted to me, but was worried about my health and my own self confidence but didn't want to upset me. I mean, I definitely would have been upset but from a health standpoint it's fair to address it and this is having a MASSIVE impact on your life

For me, I think if he didn't seem to want to improve things despite the fact you are getting almost zero sleep and his choices are having such a negative impact on family life, I'd be looking to leave

Yes hardly “separating briefly” but watch out you might get called a bully and your posts deleted!

You have to say something! I mean it sounds a miserable life, as you say you’re just existing on the planet. Surely he wants a life too?

I would approach it from this angle - that you want more out of life and he is selfish for not considering your sleep needs. I mean sleep deprivation was a form of torture!

Say you want a life with him together but you can’t carry on like this and if he doesn’t make changes, you will leave.

Tell him you are NOT going to be his carer when he is disabled, has a heart attack, stroke or whatever is likely coming his way.

I hope it works out for you.

I would treat it as if it was an addiction, because it is. He's addicted to food.

Then I'd start looking into codependency...reading books (Melody Beattie is good),
attending Coda meetings online or in person.

He's an addict, and it's ruining your life. You are having to change your entire life because of him and you are living a miserable existence. It could literally be killing you. Look into night shift work, sleep deprivation and early death/effects on life span. There's no way this isn't affecting your kids either.

In all honesty, I would absolutely leave if it was me. You deserve so much better than this.

At the very least he needs to agree to couples therapy and a committment to change. He needs to face up to reality and if he can't change, the relationship needs to end. You can't go on like this.

What's the reason for this huge weight gain? 35 stone is surely classed as morbidly obese so there must be something that's driving his sudden increase. Had he had a bereavement or job stress that's led him to overeating?

I think I'd give him the truth that he needs to get help and work out what's causing the overeating because its ruining his health, your sex life, your sleep and setting a bad example to the kids. You don't have to be cruel but you do need to be honest. People that like you tell you what you want to hear, people that love you tell you what you need to hear. Good luck.

Hi OP. I am a larger person myself and so I can appreciate this one from both sides. Your husband sounds like a lovely man and I can tell that you love him very much. As a larger person myself, I can also say that when you have issues with food and disordered eating it really isn’t easy to face it and deal with it. If your husband is anything like me, he will be afraid of going to the doctor and them voicing what he already knows about his heath and afraid to ask for help for fear of being judged and told “you did this to yourself”. We have to remember that over eating is as much of an eating disorder as bulimia and anorexia and all are dangerous to our health. When food feels like your comfort blanket it’s so hard to consider that going away. I am not massively overweight but enough that I would avoid situations where I might be awkward or clumsy or risk getting stuck (getting on and off a pedalo on holiday for example) so I imagine your husband is feeling this limitation on his life and not being able to live it with adventure and fun in the same way as I have. It’s a hard cycle to break out of as the knowledge that all you have is work and being at home will just add to the need for comfort which is food. There is guilt for what you have done to yourself and if it’s a large weight loss which is needed it will feel insurmountable.
OP it sounds like you are a lovely supportive wife and so I wonder if you could engineer a nice calm situation where you can have a chat with your husband and explain how much this is effecting you and your life and also your concerns for his health and wellbeing. You cannot continue as things are and I am sure your husband is aware of how this is effecting you even if he doesn’t acknowledge this. I expect her carries guilt for this even if he doesn’t show it. Maybe you could plan the conversation and have a list of points to make sure you are super clear about what you need to happen and how you can get there together. Feeling someone’s unconditional love is amazing but sometimes we all need a bit of tough love too - but that can still come in the form of kindness and support and doesn’t have to be confrontational. As a bit of practical advice, I have found box meals like Hello Fresh and Gusto are great as the portions are a sensible size and you only get enough ingredients for that meal so no massive portions. It’s a good place to start I think and if you have teens, it’s a great way to get them cooking as the instructions are so clear. Sorry if I have rambled on a bit! I wish you both all the best.