Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

Are you overweight OP? Could you maybe suggest joining a slimming club & him coming with for support?

She said she was a Size 12.

I don't think you have to actually mention the weight. Just that you don't do anything together anymore - the shared hobby, the quiz nights, holidays, intimacy (even if not rampant frequent sex!). I'd mention all those and that you want to be with him, live your lives together not just live in the same house. What does he need - antidepressants, counselling...? Let him decide the fix, you just outline the issues and that you'll support him in any way he needs but you need things to change.

He's not going to be a very good dad when he drops down dead from a heart attack or stroke!
Surely he would want to do something about his health for his childrens sake.

This is fine for children but for adults? Please. As if I couldn't go to the corner shop right now and buy a 2 litre bottle of coke if I wanted. Or nip round to McDonalds. Or KFC. It's not what he's eating at home

@maxwellparker77 I went to the GP with sleep issues, she referred me to a sleep clinic and I had an appointment scheduled (took less than a month to come through). It actually resolved itself before the appointment so I didn't take it but worth having the conversation.

PS I needed to collect the stuff from the clinic rather than spending a night there.

This is more than him just having put on a little Christmas weight.

It is absolutely fine to say all of this to him and you definitely should. He clearly has a food addiction which is impacting the whole family. I see it as no different to someone having an alcohol or drug addiction and he needs help. But he needs to want help first.

I know you don’t want to end things but if I was in your shoes I would be giving him an ultimatum. Either he gets help or he moves out.

I hadn't realised they had previously been separated for 5 years, that does totally change things regarding relationship advice. What weight was he when they got back together after the 5 years? Has he put on a lot since then, for example, or did she go back to him when he was already this weight? Was weight ever discussed at the time they separated or the time they reconciled? Did his weight, or the effects of it, play any part in the long separation (one might only see this with hindsight). What is different now, for you to be struggling with separating again when you did it before?

You’re being very passive Op. He obviously knows he is overweight and that it affects you.

However you need to use your words and sit down and explain to him clearly the impact of this on your life and the children’s lives and emphasise the health risks to him. Then ask him to have a think over what he intends to do and get back to you.

I don’t know how you can love someone apparently so deeply and be intimate with them physically, emotionally sexually etc, but you yet can’t have a heart to heart about literal life or death issues like this.

You can be a martyr about this and continue to seethe silently and ignore your resentment or you can speak up.

It’s up to you. But know there’s a choice.

I think you need to sit him down and tell him gently but honestly, everything you've told us You've been patient and non-judgemental for long enough. You have needs too and he's not respecting yours. I imagine he probably thinks this hill is just too big to climb and he feels helpless. Offer to go the GP with him and ask what help is available. At that size he's bound to be diabetic or pre-diabetic with poor ciruclation, leg ulcers or the risk of them, heart strain, breathing and joint problems. Even the snoring/sleep apneoa is a danger to his health as well as being debilitating for you to live with.

He must surely be a priority for Ozempic on the NHS to help him get to a weight where he could then perhaps have bariatric surgery. It's all very well telling people to just get some exercise, but at that weight he can't move enough to make any significant difference. Something like counselling or hypotherapy would probably also help. No-one gets to that size without some form of self harm and self-sabotage going on.

He's got two choices then. He either accepts and respects your POV and agrees to seek support to be healthier for his own sake and the sake of your relationship. Or he sulks, accuses you of being mean, and you will be forced to leave. He needs to know what his two options are and pick very carefully.

That is very big, and I say that as someone who is also obese. I'm trying to looknatbthis if it was me. I know I am overweight. I know the health impacts this is going to have on me. I am trying so, so hard to eat well and exercise for strength and fitness. Although the pounds aren't exactly falling off quickly, I am.making modest progress. My husband is the same. We have discussed injections but decided they are not for us at the moment. In contrast your husband's approach seems very selfish. His size is way, way bigger than the vvast majority of people so you are very likely to become his carer. He needs to take action. In this situation I would 100% be expecting him to use the injections or I would be questioning our whole marriage. Maybe show him this thread....? Best of luck to you both.

Exactly, it’s a false equivalency completely.

On Reddit etc it’s usually a man complaining a woman has put on a few stones after carrying his child and running herself ragged to raise that child while he does nothing but take himself off to the gym of an evening.

Definitely - this is a sign of major underlying issues. I am gobsmacked at all the people who would rather beat around the bush, than confront such a massive weight gain head on.
This isn’t about a few extra pounds or a few stone- it’s a huge health issue.

It’s not OPs fault but I wonder at the rationale behind just standing by while your partner gets bigger and bigger and bigger to the extent they’re about 15-20 stone overweight. It’s like sitting back and watching self-harm.

Honestly I think your situation is more comparable to being in a relationship with an alcoholic, drug addict or compulsive gambler rather than just being a matter of not looking the same as when you met. You need to give him an ultimatum - he's not going to acknowledge the issues/make the decision for himself or he would have done that at least 10 stone ago. At his size he will be eligible for every kind of weight loss support the NHS can offer, including injections, and I think you need to insist that he sees his GP or else you'll have to make plans to live separately. This situation is probably impacting your children more than you realise.

Can you write privately to his GP and explain? can you ask them to call him in for a "mid-life check up"? The only other way is to tell him the snoring is devastating you, not just because you can't sleep, but because it is probably sleep apnoea which creates its own vicious circle by making the person with it tired and more likely to eat to get energy - so they put on weight which makes them tired ... etc. And it can be fatal. Tell him that for love of him you want him to see his doctor.

I agree with PP. I understand you don't want to upset him. Yes he knows he is large. But he might not really have thought through all the impacts on you. You really need to sit down and talk about the impact of his weight on you. Tell him you love him and you have struggled with knowing whether to say anything but you need to because it's ruining your marriage and your life. Imagine your child or someone else close was really really struggling because of something you were doing, how would you feel if they'd never ever mentioned it in case you got upset?

If you don't say anything, you will end up resenting him so much it will kill your love for him. You will never do anything as a family again. You will end up as his carer. He will die very early. Sorry to be stark but that's the impact of not saying anything. The impact of talking to him (awkward conversations, upsetting him) pale into insignificance against the impact of not raising it and being completely honest.

If he realises how much it impacts you, and decides not to do anything about it (even go to the doctors) then he doesn't actually care about you and your marriage is probably over

It sounds like he has such severe sleep apnea (therefore very high risk of heart attack or stroke) and surely if he went to the Dr for glucose etc checks is at high risk of early death via heart attack or stroke or other awful results of uncontrolled diabetes including blindness or amputation. In leaving him you would be protecting yourself by preparing to be without him, which you will be when he dies prematurely. In leaving him you will be protecting your own health which is being negatively affected by lack of sleep and continual night shift working, therefore helping your kids to have at least one parent with a chance of not putting them into a carer role in early adulthood. I'd try first I think to try to help him see this is an illness and if he had signs of something else that might end his life early, would he just ignore it?

You said he has always been big, if he had it from childhood he might be able to get genetic testing https://www.goos.org.uk/professionals/genetic-testing which could help him take a less judgemental and more scientific approach to himself if he does come up with one of the well known obesity gene changes.

There are a list of charities etc here, one of them may be able to provide support and advice to you as a partner
www.goos.org.uk/patients-and-families/useful-links

Op I get that you don’t want to hurt his feelings or embarrrass him, but you just have to accept that he will be a bit embarrassed and hurt. It might be the wake up call that he needs. It’s so important, he will die if he carries on like this. Also, why should you carry on suffering like this? The way you describe him he seems lovely with loads of redeeming qualities, but his behaviour over this is actually quite selfish. Time for a frank and honest heart to heart.

I agree with the PP who said that the OP is being very passive, which is why it would be very important to know why they separated for 5 years previously, in order to advise her. Did she instigate the separation and if so what was the reason? Something even more important (in her eyes at least) than the weight is now, given that she managed to separate then but has not been able to do so now? If so, then she is downplaying the importance of the weight issue, which will literally kill him, probably quite soon, and in the meantime turn her into a full-time carer. What was more important than that? Looking at the previous motivation for separation and for then being apart for years, when you say you love him, is really vital in order to understand the relationship and how you can deal with it now.

Gosh that’s very difficult. In our relationship I am the large one. I was unhappy a long time and knew there was a problem but when you are that big everything seems insurmountable. I knew I was effectively physically disabled by my weight and then the impact of that on my mental health meant it was all just a cycle of misery. I wasn’t as big as your husband though. I am sure he’s not
stupid and knows full well there’s a serious problem here but it has to be him who changes. You don’t have to live with it though you have one life and you need to do what you can to make yourself happy

i am still big by the way but weight loss injections are changing my life, I am getting my life back to be honest as I didn’t have a life before x

i hope he makes a change for his own and your sake

The guy is slowly killing himself and upsetting you along the way. He has no aspirations for life and doesn’t do anything. I couldn’t live like this.

My DH was obese and the snoring was awful. When I got a promotion I researched the weight loss drugs and said to him I wanted to spend the extra salary on weight loss drugs for him. He has always been emotional about his weight and portion sizes and his mental health had been rocky, so I suggested the injections would be a way to tackle it whilst his mental health wasn't great as it means less willpower is needed. We talked about how him being overweight was a health issue and that I want to grow old together with him healthy.

It was an emotional conversation and at first he went into denial that there was a problem or just said he didn't have the energy to think about it. Then when I started the new job and the money came in, I tried again to discuss it and said about how it would be worth trying even for a month, and he agreed and went onto mounjaro. He's now lost 18 kg in less than a year and no longer snores! It's been amazing and it's really helped his mood too. And my sleep and sanity has been restored!

Good luck. The injections are amazing. We use bolt pharmacy which has been good.

If money is tight you might be able to get it funded on the nhs but it would be a huge waiting list and hoops to jump through.

No, he is not ‘gross’. He has a severe weight problem, which is likely to at least in part, be a medical issue. Being so overweight is obviously a huge deal, but it does not define who he is. It can be changed, with the right support.
Calling people ‘gross’ doesn’t help anyone.
I wouldn’t want to be ‘with’ somebody who makes comments as judgemental as yours.

Most of this is about what “ used to be”. Or about him being a good dad.

But you can’t be doing most of these fun things together now, if you are working opposite shifts and living opposite lives and you are permanently sleep deprived. There’s a reason they use it as a form of torture.

It’s also hard to live with the fact that he KNOWS how much this is ruining your life ( as well as his ) but he just doesn’t care enough to do anything about it.

He will still be a great dad and see his kids if you split up. So yes it will be a change for your kids but they will adapt quickly.

I think you should leave, for the sake of your own mental and physical health. To be blunt, hes not going to live into his 70s ( or perhaps even his 60s) and someone has to be there for your kids and grandchildren . Chronic sleep deprivation is a big risk factor for many diseases so you need protect your own health.

It’s possible that you leaving him will be a catalyst for change. Because it seems like nothing else you have tried so far has worked.

I always cringe on these threads when well meaning posters ask “ have you told him how you feel? “. As if things have got to this state in your life and marriage but you forgot to mention it to him 🙄

Or again “ Have you tried X Y and Z to fix him ? “. As if you are both new to the internet and the NHS and don’t know anything about weight loss options. And that his weight has stopped him using google.

I undertand that people mean it kindly , but you must want to scream “ If it was that easy I’d have done it already. But his choices are ruining my life and I am powerless to make him change “.

Its like being married to an alcoholic. Everyone’s life has to revolve around that person and their needs, what they can and can’t do. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it .

If he won’t save himself, at least you can save yourself. For your children’s sake, if you can’t do it for yourself.

Aside from anything else, please don't spin it as a negative that some people don't wish to drive.
We are already overpopulated with vehicles and this alone is impacting many people's health and fitness, especially kids.

Getting fit and using transport, or at least getting the Gov. to fix the bloody transport would be a good start.
I have seen so many friends and family become unfit and lose motivation after driving everywhere.
I strongly doubt a vehicle would help your DH lose weight.

Many of us are trying to use cars less, for environmental, fitness and many more positive reasons.

With respect to his seeing the children and his relationship with them, how was that managed when you were separated for years before? Given what you say about him being a very hands on dad, I presume he kept in close contact? So the children would not necessarily be an obstacle to you separating (or threatening to separate) again?

Well, personally I would have massive problem with it.
Bigger issue still for your partner's health.