Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

I got bullied off a thread because I dared offer some advice ( I’m a state registered dietitian) to someone who came on AMA as a morbidly obese woman.

There have been various studies that have shown that working nights has adverse effects on health and life expectancy.

He is killing you both. If he won’t listen to you, would he listen to one of your children? Maybe if they say their are worried about his health and want their dad to be around to see them grow up? Might sink in then

I'm really not @limonandleme but nice try. I changed my name coz you clearly love to spend your days looking up past threads by users, rubbing your hands with glee, and goading posters who are really in need of support.

What a fulfilling life you must lead.

Your Dh sounds like a wonderful husband and father and it's understandable you don't want to hurt his feelings.

I don't believe telling him you are seriously worried about how his weight is affecting him & you are scared of losing him is hurtful. He needs to see his Doctor urgently before it's too late. He is presently 35 stones or more. If this progresses, which inevitably it will,he will get to the point he is confined to bed. He needs to address this before it's too late OP.

Normally I would advise approaching this in a gentle way. However from being in a similar situation many years ago I found that this did not help.

He may well be aware of the extent of the problems however your responses suggest not. Your DH is now obese, this is having a direct effect of both your lives. He is Inactive and likely has weight associated health issues that he is currently unaware of. He is at risk of sleep apnea and stroke (plus extensive list!) from what you’ve said he doesn’t seem to understand why you are unable to sleep in the same room as him, or do anything to address the huge white elephant in the room.

DH appears to have no empathy regarding sex and making you uncomfortable, no insight to your own declining health, and marriage.

Time for a blunt and honest heart to heart OP. Write it all down for him as well, include his good points or what used to be his good points. Nothing will change otherwise with you both ending up deeply unhappy and unhealthy.

You are not being unreasonable in not wanting to put up with this situation any more. It is no life. This is way beyond “help him to eat healthily and make good choices”. I don't believe that you prompting him to see the doctor, or researching Mounjaro or any other options is going to help. It has to be him that does it, because he wants to.

Where you are being unreasonable is in expecting (hoping?) he will change. It is unlikely he will. As you say, he knows the health issues his weight is causing but he has done nothing about it. And he must already know that the reason you are on night shifts and sleep downstairs during the day is because of his weight so it is severely impacting you, and he still does nothing.

You can’t make him change, so you will have to change the situation. So I think you will probably have to split up. This isn’t a cosmetic “I don’t fancy you any more” issue, it is an issue severely affecting your health and life as well as his.

@limonandleme when I see a bully in action, I can't help but stick up for the bullied 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes you have the right to ask him to change because this is having such a detrimental effect on your entire life, and thus health, mental and physical.

Obesity is a disease. He needs help, but like any other addictive disease he needs to want help too.

It is time to support him to take drastic action and if he doesn't want to save himself no one would/should blame you for any decision you subsequently take to improve your own life.

I would have one final go at telling him his weight is killing him and you can't stay to watch it anymore, and research WLI with him. Tell him to come on here and go to the weight loss injections forum for help researching how well many, previously morbidly obese, people have done.

s

A couple of "blokey" videos which might help pique his interest.

@limonandleme you can't even see it can you? Bullying must be so ingrained in your personality.

Well let’s divert from the arguing and get back to the original post.
Regarding sleep OP, why don’t you simply get a new bed so you can sleep in comfort in the daytime, sleeping on a settee is really not a good idea. You can buy a double bed that is two singles together this means you can have your own side that won’t be spoilt by your OH and his excessive weight. We all need good sleep to function properly.
With your sleep solved you do need then to have a conversation about him losing weight but it will only work if it’s what he wants too, it’s difficult as people rarely like being told what to do. What age is he, he would probably be eligible for a well man appointment at the doctors, if you could encourage him to do this and get a medical opinion it may well spur him on to actually turn his life around. He is walking a very thin tightrope with his health at the moment, it’s essential that something makes him aware of this.

I do think it is highly relevant that the OP previously split up from him and am not sure why people are attacking someone who brought this up. Especially given that a lot of advice on the thread is about leaving him or threatening to do so. If she was able to do so before she needs to look at what is stopping her now. And examine the reasons she left before and particularly whether HE made any changes which made it possible for her to return. In other words, how motivated is he by the continuation of the relationship versus splitting up? Does he entertain the possibility of making changes to save the relationship if not his own life? What happened last time they split up?

I haven't read all the comments but how dreadful for you, OP. I have a clear picture of the hell you're living through (my ex snored so loudly that the DC thought that a monster was in the house. Eventually I moved up to the spare bedroom.

I think you need to tell your partner that you can no longer live in this situation; that you aren't getting enough sleep and that you need to have your own space. If you have a spare bedroom, great but I'm assuming you don't so maybe you should move out.

It's not a split, so you are still a couple but living apart. Would that appeal to you?

As PP have said, he's destroying his life and dragging you with him. No exaggeration. You can't tell him what to do with his body or his life but you can tell him that YOU need to space to sleep in silence, room to breathe and to live.

@lacey79 I don’t know if you like podcasts, but this is a really useful and informed discussion about obesity. It doesn’t answer your main question, but it might be helpful for your partner to listen to - it is a far cry from the usual criticism of obese people as lazy, grotesque etc.

And podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/zoe-science-nutrition/id1611216298?i=1000660424275and

I am another vote for having a talk with him about Mounjaro, it could be quite life changing for you all.
It's clear you really care about this man, but also remember not to spend your whole life unhappy trying to mend his.

Open the conversation, work together, but if he doesn't have the same passion and drive to make it work, it may be time to move on.

I am married to a snorer, but his is usually worse we he has a cold, and also an incredibly light sleeper, and it is soul destroying, absolute torture.

Best of luck OP.

He should go to his GP and ask for the weight loss jab.

my view is that you can't force him to do anything. Your choice is to stay with him or not.

We live overseas so we actually both had to go private (thankfully with health insurance). When we lived in the UK he asked several times to get a sleep study but for some reason the gp wasn’t keen! This was quite some time ago so hopefully things have changed.

Absolutely yes. I'm not saying he shouldn't pursue privately-funded weight loss injections. I'm on them myself and they've been life changing. I'm clarifying that you can't just rock up to your GP and walk out with a mounjaro prescription.

You need to talk. If you don't you will leave anyway.
So talk. make an appointment for him to see a dietition.
Support him to commit to seeing the dietition for a year.
Together ask the dietition whether your husband should look into gastric band surgery or injections. Discus those things.
Be prepared for him to bring up some things he'd like you to work on - all in the name of keeping your relationship happy and sustainable for years to come.
Be a genuine friend during any exercise outings too; be there and notice positive change.