Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

OP, I really feel for you and I understand your position. I have only read your replies, not the whole thread. Mumsnet is too fat-shamey for me.

My first bit of advice would be to tell him to see his doctor about his sleeping. He likely has sleep apnea and needs a CPAP machine. That will massively reduce his snoring. My sister had this with my BIL - they were in separate rooms until he got seen. It has improved his life too as he actually gets a full night of real sleep now.

I also agree with the post just above who says go from a place of love and care, not criticism. It will never be a nice conversation to have and I am sure he will feel bad either way. But it sounds like you love him and want the best for him. Approach it from the POV that you want to live your life with him forever and you're worried that won't happen if things don't change. It is so so hard to make the first steps. But hopefully this will be the wake up call he needs to help you and help himself.

Wish you nothing but the best of luck x

Start by not buying crap into the house at the weekly shop. Get him to a GP and arrange a referral to a sleep clinic. They can assess him and arrange CPAP if required.

Agree. It's awful 😔

35 stones is grotesque. Even a 6.4 man shouldn't weight more than 14 stones.

@lacey79 The thought of being squashed by flab mountain would be a desperate turn off.

There is no future with this man for you, I'd say LTB.

OK, so every one is focusing on the weight (which is a problem), but surely the most pressing issue right now is lack of sleep? It makes it so much harder to deal with everything else.

So, approach him from that angle. He needs to go to the gp, it is not normal to snore that much and that will also be affecting his health. The gp will likely tell him to lose weight, yes, but they may also be able to refer him to a sleep clinic. It is possible he needs a cpap machine or other intervention, because his breathing is literally impaired at night (that's what's causing the noise). He may be embarrassed, but he needs to get it sorted.

What is his reason for not seeking treatment for his illness?

I think you can deal with this without going anywhere near his weight, as it's perfectly reasonable to want an interrupted night's sleep and a bigger social life.

You are a very loving, understanding wife, btw. He's lucky to have you and you will find the right words, based on how thoughtful you've been in your posts.

At that weight he could probably get Ozempic on the NHS.

Obviously 35 stone is a major problem not to be ignored, but what is truly grotesque is the way you speak of another human being and it reflects revoltingly on you.

He’s not big. He’s morbidly chronically obese. Stop pretending “he’s just a big person. Time for some honesty and frank conversations. OP you deserve so much more than this- though I think you know it but your preference is the status quo for financial and emotional reasons. If that’s true that’s ok too - just get old mate a CPAP machine and have separate rooms.

It's January- time to make changes. Why not start going for a walk with him one or two evenings to reconnect. Try veganuary or dry January (or caffeine-free January to cut out the coke and possibly kickstart bigger changes). At 35 stone I would think you need to start with small changes. Change will not happen overnight.

You are absolutely entitled to this. If he had any other health condition and wasn't seeking treatment for it you would say it.

I'd be spelling out to him very clearly that he seeks help or it's the end.

This is such an unhealthy life message to be sending to your teenage. His eating habits must be affecting their 'normal' too.

You would not be walking away from your husband because he's too fat. You'd be walking away from a man who is putting his pride before his own health and that if his family.

Does he think anyone ever wants to get a smear test or a mammogram? That they don't feel embarrassed while it's happening. That women find it easy to talk to a GP about menopause etc.

Of course he doesn't want to, if course he feels embarrassed but those aren't good enough reasons to put your head in the sand about something that will kill you.

If you said to him 'ive found a large lump in my breast but I think I'm just going to ignore it's, what would his response be to you?

My DH was nearly 30 stone when we got together. He lived to work and basically worked and ate takeaway and had closed off from most of his family (yes, we met at work...)

This is not just about his weight but about how his lifestyle choices affect you! You can absolutely say these things and explain them.

I took the line that I wasn't going to judge his weight but that I wanted a long and happy life together and that it was an important thing to me that he was able to do things together such as go on holiday. He had been depressed I think and did a lot of work on himself and lost the weight. Not quickly and not perfectly, he's still a big guy, but in a way that means he's kept it off. I don't worry about his health, he doesn't snore and he never excuses himself from things because of his size or fitness.

Just because weight is behind this, doesn't mean you can't explain how miserable this lifestyle makes you. He doesn't get to make your world this small. Be honest and explain the impact. I also think that there's a lot of sadness in your later posts for someone you miss- tell him that too.

You can't control the choices he makes after that, he may or may not act and you may have to make some tough choices, but that's better than your resentment growing whilst this situation gets worse.

You certainly should not be having sex that is painful, uncomfortable or not enjoyable. Basic self respect allows you to decline all further such activities. He can service his own needs until such time as he becomes able to be a person that is enjoyable to have sec with. If he thinks for a moment that his desire for sex should outweigh the fact that you find it painful then he does not love you

You deserve to be able to sleep. Again this is basic self respect.

Being overweight certainly does make snoring unbearable. If it makes the whole house too loud to sleep in you will have to sleep in a different building.

This doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship if he takes your needs seriously.

You will need to move out (or if its better for the kids, have him move out) for at least 6 months. Get a short term rental for somewhere nearby. During that 6 months he can seek treatment for the snoring and lose some weight. Reassess after 6 months - if the snoring is under control and the weight is going down it nay be that you can live in the same house again. If nothing changes you will need to continue to live apart. Living apart but maintaining the relationship is viable when both partners understand that this is needed for practical reasons. If he's going to be a whiny manchild about it and can't be arsed to change anything in order to make living with him bearable then the consequence will be that no-one wants to live with him.

Exactly this!

Think carefully, what do you actually get out of the relationship?

E.g

Holidays abroad
Days out, cinema, restaurants
Children (if that's your thing)
City Breaks
Shopping trips

Chances are, none of above...

What you are going to end up with is a full time carer role followed by being a young widow.

Cutting out Coke or meat is not going to cut it at this stage. This is a terminal illness if not treated urgently. OP said money is not a problem, so whether the NHS will prescribe injections is neither here or there. (I am always amazed the way some people don't want to do anything for their health unless they can "get it on the NHS". You understand the NHS works at a population and not an individual level right? They cannot provide everything every individual needs).

WLI are now available and changing people's lives, why would he not at least try? Would he refuse treatment for cancer?

I think I may have Sleep apnea, did you go via the nhs? Did your husband have to do a sleep study somewhere? Thanks

I think you should start by being honest with yourself. If it's true that you recently split and were dating other people then it's not true that he's a wonderful partner and you never argue. It's also telling that you are defensive about buying him 2 bottles of fizzy drinks in the shopping- that's something you could and should stop doing right now. No one needs fizzy drinks. As for the sleep situation you need to address it urgently. You need to have the bed at night and he needs to find some alternative place to sleep - it's absolutely his problem if he snores, it's not your problem to solve. I think before working on him you need to work on yourself and ask yourself honestly how have you ended up in this situation? You are part of the problem and you are the only person you can change. The fact that you are nervous about his feelings if you raise things would be a good place to start - where and how did you learn that your feelings don't matter?

Exactly.

OP, he needs to go see the GP, and I'd venture they would put him on weight loss drugs. If he is snoring like that, he has sleep apnea....he's gasping for breath as his breathing stops and starts. The hypoxia (low blood oxygen) leads to serious cardiac problems. Losing weight helps with that. As I now see mentioned above, a CPAP machine might be worth looking into. It delivers continuous air through your mouth. he won't snore that way, and he'll feel better.

I'd consider these things non negotiables for staying together. He's going to shorten his life, and he is surely making yours miserable. The technology and care is out there to solve the problem, and he needs to fix it for your sake and his.

Well I certainly wouldn't if I were her @limonandleme you've been vile.

Hardly surprising with your attitude.