Partners weight negatively impacting my day to day life - AIBU to bring it up?

[lacey79]

My partner has always been on the larger side, and its not something i have ever had a problem with from an attractiveness POV. However, in the last 3 years or so, his weight gain has been alot. Id guess he is over 35 stone. around 10/15 stone gained in the past 3 years. And thats probably conservative guesses as its very hard to gauge.

This is now directly impacting me in 2 ways.

The sex is awful. Painful, uncomfortable. Over before its even started. I can count on 1 hand how many times i have had sex with him in the past 2 years. he is out of breath unable to "preform". He is too big for certain positions, so tries to move me into positions that are literally painful. So it just doesnt happen.

This i could potentially live with, however the second, i cant live with it any longer. I literally dont sleep at night. I sleep downstairs and have for a year because his snoring is like a jack hammer in my brain, its so loud. Its now so loud i can hear it downstairs, it feels like the walls are vibrating around me. Ive changed my work shifs so i work all nightshifts as it was impacting my work going after no sleep, but this now means i basically stay in night shift mode all the time. And even though the kids are older in their teens, i never get to see them as im sleeping in the day whether im working or not. Ive tried earplugs but i find them uncomfortable, and weirdly claustraphobic, i cant sleep with them. Ive tried audiobooks and white noise etc downstairs, but i can still hear him snoring if i have the background noise at a low enough level to sleep. I probably get around 4-5 hours of broken sleep a day, and i work 4 13 hour night shifts a week. Im exhausted.

He complains about me not going to bed. He complains that I dont go up to the bedroom to "be with him" and then sleep downstairs (which is a complete turn off too, like be beckoned to his space to satisfy his needs as mine certainly dont get met, and having to leave again). He complains when he is off work he is "stuck" in the bedroom with his TV and computer games as im sleeping downstairs. (Even when he isnt here or is awake i cant sleep in the bed any longer as hes basically fucked my expensive matress it has a massive dip in it and is no longer comfortable, its on a complete slant). The other day i was in a particularly bad, exhausted, mood and he asked what i was upset about and i snapped, told him im functioning of no fucking sleep cos his snoring is ruining my life. He had this woefull self pitying look on his face, walked out the room and didnt respond.

I do love him, we have been togther a long time. But the attractiveness is gone mostly because of how his weight directly affects me. Yes his weight is obviously affecting his health, but he is aware of this, he doesnt need me or anyone to spell that out. He has done the same job for 20 years, its not very well paid, he has no aspirations to progress or achieve anything any more. He doesnt drive. We dont go on holidays any more. We dont do anything any more. I dont do anything any more other than work and get through the nights binge watching or doing various hobbies to try and distract myself from the constant noise. I feel like i have no life, at all, i just work and exist.

I dont necesarily want to end things. But i want him to change, I just want a happy life again and to stop simply existing. However, his weight is his, do i have a right to tell him to fix it or the relationship is over? I have things about me i have changed which i know he prefered before. I no longer have the long blonde hair he liked when we first got together. I was a size 8 now im a 12 after 3 chidlren and tbh my sleep battle is probably negatively affecting my weight too. I have multiple tattoos and he has none. I have piercings i got without mentioning them. Ive changed the way i look physically and ill be damned if i ever let anyone tell me what i can and cant do with my body. So why do i have the right to tell him?

AIBU?
Yes, his weight is his and i should let him live how he wants.
No, its impacting me therefore i get a say.

Well you can’t force someone to get treatment either for obesity or for snoring. Even if he decided to do a weight loss jab and he stuck to it, the snoring may only marginally improve.

As you want to stay together I’d suggest you move to a new property with one bedroom for away from the others. Sleep deprivation is torture.

He needs to see a doctor ASAP. His cholesterol is probably sky high. Put your foot down about this and let them do the talking about weight. It’s very common for men to only get medical help when their partner pushes them to.

As he's getting bigger, your life with him is getting smaller
You don't have fun together, go out together, or have holidays together.
He knows that he's morbidly obese and there are tools to help him lose weight and be healthy
He's selfish as he expects you to meet his needs.
I would resent him too.
You're friends at best, and I think you deserve better.

You need to have a talk with him in a calm but serious way. Most people who struggle with weight don’t realise how big they are and don’t understand how they got that way.

Google TDEE calculator and put his stats in….it’ll show how many calories he needs a day. He needs to cut out or cut down on carbs….so tiny portions of potatoes, bread and pasta (he could have vegetable alternatives to pasta like courgetti).

No fizzy drinks….not even sugar free ones since the body reacts in the same way as drinking sugary ones. He needs to quit the junk food too.

Get him to see his GP. He’s risking his health by being obese. If he doesn’t want to see his GP then look into intermittent fasting.

Best of luck.

Honestly? I'd give him 6 months to improve things, including getting help for his weight and snoring, and leave if he doesn't take steps to do so.

Although you hear him snoring that is not good quality sleep - and one day he may fail to snort himself awake and stop breathing. A sleep apnoea machine would help both of you.

Alpine ear plugs are good and you may get on better with them.

His snoring is a health risk for him and sleep deprivation is a health risk for you. He may not listen but you need to try and get him to a doctor.

We live in a sad world when people, especially couples, can't even have honest conversations with each other.

If I was in your situation, I would use the sex experience as the launching pad and tell him the extra weight makes it too painful for you, and you therefore don't want sex anymore... That tends to wake them up.

Get him to the local doctor - because you love him and it's making everyone miserable.
Weightloss injections
Obstructive sleep apnoea assessment to consider if CPAP will help his snoring and both your quality of life
Depression assessment
Food swaps - sugarless soft drinks, low sugar snacks
Swimming once a week or another gentle exercise - walking with the kids around the block and then a bit further.

Tell him to get himself on weight loss injections or leave him. He's making your life miserable and there's no excuse to be that morbidly obese anymore.

I really feel for you, I can feel how frustrated you are through your posts. This runs deeper than his weight. You have mentioned a lack of motivation and drive, he’s sitting in his bedroom playing on computer games, you never go anywhere. His weight is a consequence of this character. Yes he could go on weight loss injections but will this change who he fundamentally is? Or will his character change if he has higher self esteem? That’s what I think you need to speak to him about. It’s not about controlling his body, it’s about wanting a partner who improves your life not a one who is hindering it. You have the right to want more than what he is giving to you.

If you go straight in with discussing his weight he is potentially going to get defensive but if you make it part of the wider issues and how you are not happy, how can he not listen? Good luck and I hope things improve for you.

My dad was similar. Dad wouldn't go to the Dr but mum found slimming class that had men attend and she suggested they go together. They did and dad lost loads of weight as he loved the positive affirmations. Sometimes people need a handhold to make a chnage.

Sorry @lacey79 but I have only read all of your posts, so other people have probably already told you about your DH needing to use a CPAP machine when he sleeps. But just in case they haven't, I will try to explain what happens. Unfortunately, it won't help him directly with trying to lose some weight, but I can tell you with 99.99% certainty that your DH must suffer from sleep apnea, and therefore wearing a CPAP while sleeping should benefit both him, and you, greatly!

Please get your DH to ask his Dr to refer him to the sleep unit at your nearest hospital. The hospital should then issue him with an oximeter to wear on his finger for one or two nights, at home. That will let 'them' see how many times he stops breathing in the night, which will then cause him to wake up enough to take another breath, but doesn't usually wake the sufferer up enough for them to remember waking up.

Your DH should then be provided with a CPAP machine "Constant Positive Airway - sorry my mind has gone completely blank so I can't remember what the second P stands for - but the machine gives a constant flow of air to the user, via a flexible tube and a face mask.

I took to the machine and mask like a duck to water (as did my DH to his), but I think that some people have to try longer and harder to get used to it - possibly because their mind takes some sort of immediate dislike to, or even fear of, the mask and the machine. If that does happen to your DH, please encourage him to persevere with it, as when it is worn and used correctly, it will HELP. In almost every case of user's wearing their masks' correctly, their snoring STOPS immediately and completely!!

I hope this has been of some use to you OP, but if not, I apologise for wasting your time!
💐

I can fully understand you feel resentful.

I think the issue is that he feels lost, and probably depressed. Being overweight, trust me, can do that to you. This is why he has no motivation. The description you give looks like signs of depression. He probably hates his job but doesn't see any way out of it for something better. He just lets life slip by without any drive or dreams or aspirations, which is pretty sad because he would feel way happier and more dynamic if he had proper goals and hobbies that provide some improvements to finances while also giving purpose to his life. Maybe start talking about dreams and goals, and hints what you both could do to achieve that may help to get him out of the mindset he's got himself stuck in.

Op I couldn’t reply earlier as working but in my experience he now needs proper intervention, not just from a specialist covering disordered eating but mental health support to address the issues sitting behind this condition. Some sufferers are SA survivors or other childhood trauma. There will be a backstory that needs just as much attention as the health consequences of the weight.

It’s a form of self harm / numbing his senses. If he was slitting his wrists every fortnight you would throwing everything at it, but because eating is seen as benign in comparison then it often doesn’t get treated as seriously.

Your lovely husband is crying out for help op. He is literally dying slowly but surely. I don’t think you can skirt around this any longer. For his own sake, you can choose your words carefully to protect his feelings to some extent but I would probably be honest and say how scared you are to lose him. That the children will lose their father.

Talk to him.

Men aren't sensitive about weight. Just tell him he's overweight, he's spoiling your life and he's going to die at 46yo.

He might not fix it but he won't be offended that you mentioned it.

I feel for you op. You've made some huge changes to try to help yourself cope or even survive with what are basically problems caused by his weight excess. By the sound of it he's made no effort to accommodate you. It's a sad situation.

How is this affecting the dc?
Are they sleep deprived too? Sounds like they also have no fun times either like holidays or outings.
Its time to stop tip toeing around the issue and say to him that the life you and dc are leading is unacceptable. Unless huge changes occur (serious weight loss)you will be finished as a couple and one of you has to move out.

This is no life at all for you - it’s heartbreaking.

He must realise the situation you are both in. I expect he feels he just cannot change. Maybe the weight just keeps on going up and he is not sure why. He can’t enjoy being like that - he probably feels very trapped.

I was very obese and finally went to the doctor for a check-up (absolutely dreading going). I was heavier than even I realised, broke down in tears, and for once instead of getting a lecture I got some help and was referred to the NHS level 3 weight loss service.

This is a very holistic service - there is a personal mentor, a nurse who goes through what you eat and suggests changes. Group sessions too, a bit like a diet club (I hated it but went) where they go through all aspects of nutrition. It felt patronising and like a punishment but there were some useful tips. Plus appointments with dietician and possible exercise help (I was already doing a lot).

I lost six stone doing this over a year but then my weight started creeping up again. Finally I resorted to weight loss jabs and lost another three stone over another ten months or so. I am still obese, just, but I am close to only being “overweight”. This is life-changing. I sleep so much better, have more energy, think sharper and I can do activities I would have felt foolish to attempt previously.

I am telling you this to show change is possible and also that the jab makes it so much easier now. I had always had an uncontrollable appetite and that has gone. I did previously lose nine stone about a decade ago with a very low calorie diet and intense exercise but then life got in the way and I regained it. This time round I really felt I couldn’t face doing all that again, I still manage to lose a lot by my own devices but the injection has made it so much easier because there is no longer a mental battle going on as well as a physical one. Losing a lot of weight is a marathon, it take a long, long, time, but it is possible.

At the moment your DH probably feels he just cannot change. And he will be so sensitive about you mentioning his weight. I felt like that. I had also spent my whole life trying to diet and failing. All I can say is there is a real chance now of him losing a decent amount of weight and having a better life because of the medication. Surely he wants that himself, he must want to live!?

You shouldn’t have to be sleep deprived or have to endure painful sex - no way! You must love him a lot to stay. He’s lucky to have you. It’s time to try and very lovingly intervene so you can both have a better life.

I took Mounjaro. It’s been prescribed to diabetics for 20 years. I am not diabetic and I don’t want to be! People who have been suffering obesity for a long time need medical help. There’s no shame in taking it. It could change his life.

Sorry @GreenIsMyFavoriteColour, but it is absolute rubbish to say that men aren't sensitive about (their) weight. I am in my 60's and I am yet to meet a man who is not sensitive about their weight!

I presume that you must be a man in order to think that you are qualified to say such a ridiculous thing? But if you genuinely don't care about your own weight, then you are a very rare being indeed.

Tell him you love him and that you would like to grow old with him. Tell him you are hoping to be grand parents together. Tell him you dreams for the future.

Then point out to him that if he doesn’t get his health sorted he is unlikely to live long enough for that to happen. The snoring is a risk on its own.

If he meets the criteria for WLI hopefully he will consider them. I have found them a game changer. They will also help with his blood sugar control and can help with cardio vascular risk so he could have multiple non-weight loss benefits too.

Tell him you would like him to go to the GP because you don’t want him to die.

Wrong thread :)

You don't need to tell him what to do with his body. You talk about you. That you are no longer prepared to live a life where you do nothing, get no sleep, have no relationship and no life and if there is no way for that to change you will have to leave. If he's a smart man, he'll join the dots and know what he needs to do.

Hi OP, i can feel how conflicted you are coming though in your messages, what a tough situation.

I think that basically that for something where one person's actions (or lack of action!) is having a direct impact on someone else, that person certainly has the right to a proper discussion about it and measures to be put in place.

Realistically it's clear this is largely caused by weight, but I'd be tempted to (for now) ignore the sex thing and focus on quality of sleep and the fact you don't get good family time together due to your sleep patterns. I think you absolutely can have a sensible discussion with him about his snoring - and that he needs to see a doctor about getting that reduced. It won't be doing him any good either, but it's not on for you to live like a zombie because he is not letting you sleep. If that discussion gets onto causes (I.e. weight gain) then all you've mentioned about jabs/plans or whatever comes in, but i would primarily focus on the health effect on you the lack of sleep is causing and that is a snoring issue. He has to take action to sort that, which will likely include weight loss, but don't make it about weight first and foremost.

But it is about weight, why pussyfoot around it?

So, he is - if 35 stone is an accurate assessment - super-morbidly obese, with a BMI of 70 plus??? And yet you can't bring yourself to say, darling, you are a bit overweight and too heavy to lie on top of me/may find you have some health problems as a result, and need to do something about it.

You need to stop fussy footing about.
You can't make him but you can be really clear about impact on you, short term and long term and that you do not have to just put up with it. It sounds like no life for either of you.

If he isn’t prepared to make any changes, there are definitely ways that you could get more sleep during the day and at night. You could swap the sofa downstairs for a decent, comfortable sofa bed and get thick blackout curtains in all your bedrooms and living room.

Personally, I’d insist on going with him to see a doctor about his snoring. A doctor will almost certainly suggest losing weight while he is there, which is what he needs to hear.

Sorry if this sounds horribly blunt, but does he have a will and life insurance in place?