Partner always wants to go halves

[PennyApril54]

Been seeing my partner for around 2 years now. Both buy food / drinks when we see each other in our separate homes but I feel annoyed about his approach to eating out.
He always wants to split the bill down the middle and clarifies this is the plan before we even decide to eat out i.e. He says ' will we go to X for food and split it'.
I prefer us to have turns each paying and have paid the full amount before only to be met be the halves suggestion the next time.

I feel there's something about this that seems cold, distant, formal. It doesn't feel caring or romantic in any way.
AUBU? Yes.. it's a bit of a shitty approach to a dinner date
No...going halves every time is fine

My partner and I don’t live together, and after 7 years we might never choose to.

This would drive me mad. We take turns, and neither of us keeps a ledger. We’re pretty good at just feeling out whose turn it is, treating when we feel like it, and knowing it will all balance out. For bigger expenses like holidays, we split things (though again neither of us feeling we need to work it out to the penny).

This would really put me off - it's not how I want to work joint finances, so if I were considering a long-term thing I'd probably have bailed early doors. After 2 years it is probably worth a conversation and if you are worried about seeming 'critical', you can frame it as a discussion about your general approach to finances, with the 'splitting the bill' thing as a mere introduction. I bet lots more stuff will come up that might make you take pause.

I don't think I've ever gone beyond the first few dates and continued splitting the bill - it just becomes more organic in an unspoken way, as the previous PP mentions. Whoever is flush 'treats' the other, and then change around next time. Interesting that he doesn't repay the favour like this.

It's as though he doesn't trust you to 'take your turn' - and that seems like projection, because he knows he will avoid taking his turn when he can, so he's assuming the same for you.

Rarely, as I don’t get paid in cash. I do contribute a fair amount of unpaid domestic labour to the partnership though, in case you were worried about him being hard done by. It all shakes out to be fairly equal in the end as a marriage should.

Well, at least he's upfront about it.

On FIL's birthday, MIL generously paid for dinner for everyone.

On MIL's birthday, FIL paid for everyone... Then asked DH for his share afterwards.

But it's still giving me a whiff of a man so cautious about not paying a penny more (but not minding when he gets a free meal). I'd be taking a serious look at his other financial habits.

For me, it's the fact that he is saying in advance that you'll be going halves - it sounds like he's just mean and desperate not to let you have a penny of his. I wouldn't be happy with this, and I'm a stickler for stumping up, but in a taking turns way and not a going halves - that does seem weird in a loving relationship.

Thanks all for your replies. They have helped me to think a lot clearer ..think I'll just mention it casually next time it happens as someone suggested.

Ah OK. A relationship based on traditional "man earns, woman cleans house" gender roles doesn't appeal to me. We both earn and treat each other occasionally. DP probably does more unpaid domestic labour than I do because I'm a lazy slattern with little interest in chores.

If i go out with anyone i only pay for what im eating so split all the time.

That's how you treat friends imo, I'd rather pay for what I ordered and have separate tabs tbh.
I'm a SAHM due to our youngest having disabilities, I don't earn much at all DH covers all the bills, when we get a rare morning together after school drop off i treat him to a fry up at our local cafe we used to frequent after nights out as a gesture but I wouldn't have any children with a man like yours op.

I’m really impressed by all the people who can so easily keep track of whose turn it is!

And yet there are always so many threads about CF friends and boyfriends who find ways to weasel out of paying when it’s their turn. Surely if everyone just splits the bill this is all avoided?

Or maybe testing someone’s ability to remember whose turn it is is a good way of select for intuitive fairness in partners and friends, and weed out the CFs. Food for thought. 🤔

I'm long married, so we'd just pay out if the joint account, but when you're dating, going halves or paying for what you had seems perfectly normal to me (though announcing it in advance is a bit odd)! The whole 'being a gentleman' about paying gives me the ick tbh.

Yes, it does feel we’re in the grip of some really regressive gender stuff at the moment. Splitting the bill was normal for everyone I knew during my dating heyday in the late 90s / early 2000s.

My ex husband did this and even argued about who had ordered more in terms of cost if we split it. Getting two cards out to pay was also a drag. So we agreed to take it in turns, but then he accused me of choosing more expensive restaurants when it was his turn (I didn’t - we just went to pubs or local no frills places!). Yes I did LTB in the end 😁

I think you’re right to question this. Why does he get to decide how things work? Why is he so rigid about this, to the point he’s stating it before each meal out? That lack of flexibility and trust that you will take your turn would be a problem for me.

Where do you see the relationship going? Do you see him as a long term partner? If you’re serious, time to have a conversation about this, and about how you would want finances to be arranged if you did move in, get married, have kids etc. I’d be very worried that this is a sign that he’d be financially controlling and unwilling to be open about money.

It’s frustrating behaviour now, but it could be a lot more serious further down the line.

I wouldn’t just mention it casually as it’s the sort of thing that I’d worry is a sign of other ‘weird’ things to come, financially.
I’d address it head on with something like:
’Look, we’ve been going out for two years now, and I know you like to split restaurant bills, but can I PLEASE just take you out for dinner and pay for you? And then maybe next time you can treat me? Otherwise it’s starting to feel like we’re still on a first date each time! We’re closer than that now, surely?’

Good luck OP. This would drive me nuts.

It would make me feel as though he always wanted to be in a walk away position. Nothing owed.

But the main thing is whether or not he’s more generally as tight as a ducks backside re money. You see so many posts on here from women who are being financially abused once they’ve had kids and are dependent during maternity leave or long term.

He sounds really tight.

He can’t even treat you when you go out for a meal ?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone like this.

Yes, fine, as long as you stay in your separate homes.
🙄

Mmmm I think I sort of agree yanbu.

Nothing wrong with going halves in itself if you are both roughly eating the same. But if he is having three courses and you are having two it’s unfair on you, same with alcohol vs soft drinks if it’s unequal.

Is he managing ok money wise?

For me it’s more that by constantly wanting to go halves it feels like he’s keeping the relationship in a particular phase if you know what I mean, there’s a keeping you at a distance sort of thing that would bother me. Friends go halves. New couples might go halves. Longer term couples are more likely to either share finances or take turns treating each other.

Also I would worry a little what this means for the future. Is he always going to want to have separate finances? That’s fine if it’s what you both want but it can be more difficult if living together and when children come along. I couldn’t be doing with all that splitting the grocery costs, working out how to separate the bills, childcare costs, and it’s even more complicated still if you don’t earn the same wages.If he was the greater wage earner he’d likely be the type to work out your contribution vs his to the letter and I couldn’t be doing with all that.

I am not sure if it's a question about being unreasonable or not. You don't like it and it's hard to flip that around. I wouldn't like it, it sounds really transactional.
A friend of mine makes a point of saying how her and her husband split everything 50/50 - she says it like a mantra but I know in the past with boyfriends and an ex husband that she loved being treated and doing things for each other.
For me this would be a massive turn off. I have dated men and been married to men who always paid for dinner/lunch but it didn't mean that I never paid for anything, I would book a nice hotel, theatre tickets, other things.
I would hate to be in a beautiful restaurant and splitting the bill on a dinner date...

Sounds like he'd skin a louse for it's hide !! Does he buy you presents for birthdays, Xmas , etc?

Oh and the friend I mentioned above would spend Saturday morning working out the shares on grocery and petrol bills... really tedious. Not her character at all as when we go out we often buy dinner for each other !

if going halves means you each pay for what you've had then i think it's fine. In my last relationship we each used to pay in full every other time we ate out, however my boyfriend at the time always used to say " I'll treat you" when it was his turn to pay. Gave me the absolute ick.

This. Going half is great in the earliest part of a relationship. You've been together 2 years and looks like he's still making a point that he doesn't want to spend a cent more than you do. It's a red flag character trait.

Where's the relationship going forward? Have you asked him?

We do this but we have one credit card used for joint spending -food and holidays and eating out.

He transfers me half of that every month. In fact now he pays me £200 on account each month and I true it up every 3-6 months. (I am an accountant though)