Partner always wants to go halves

[PennyApril54]

Been seeing my partner for around 2 years now. Both buy food / drinks when we see each other in our separate homes but I feel annoyed about his approach to eating out.
He always wants to split the bill down the middle and clarifies this is the plan before we even decide to eat out i.e. He says ' will we go to X for food and split it'.
I prefer us to have turns each paying and have paid the full amount before only to be met be the halves suggestion the next time.

I feel there's something about this that seems cold, distant, formal. It doesn't feel caring or romantic in any way.
AUBU? Yes.. it's a bit of a shitty approach to a dinner date
No...going halves every time is fine

I’d say it was a pretty big red flag for your relationship if after 2 years of dating you don’t feel able to raise a basic irritation with him for fear of being too critical. Relationships really shouldn’t be this hard.

I would just stop going out for meals with him. Cook him a meal at your house, then ask him to pay half the cost of the groceries.

Start telling him from now on you both pay for exactly what you each order. Going halves is a pain in the ass for staff as well as being a stupid way to split a bill.

He won't need to announce it and you won't feel annoyed. You don't live together, just pay our own ways.

I think I’d find it easier splitting every time than trying to remember whose ‘turn’ it was, and possibly having all sorts of misunderstandings about that.

Until you are living together and sharing a joint account for this sort of thing I don’t see the issue in splitting the bill.

I do think it’s weird he feels he has to announce it every time you go out.l, though. If it’s just how you normally do things. That’s the part of it that seems uptight and a bit suss to me.

So on your birthday he cooked you dinner. And on Valentines you cooked. Did he do anything that was for you?

The overall impression is of a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. I'd be reconsidering the relationship, both because of his attitude and also because you feel like you can't raise it. It should be pretty simple to say "let take turns paying for outings instead - it feels a bit more romantic and grown up rather than splitting straight down the middle. What do you think? ". If you can't say that then how can you talk about really tough things?

Me and my husband have always done this, we also have separate accounts with a joint card for bills, we earn similar amounts so it makes sense. I honestly think if he's this kind of person (not an insult because like I said me and my husband are the same) it's likely as you get more serious he won't be one of those people that wants to combine money etc. and it's something to think about for the future.

Halved is fantastic. You’re there because you enjoy each others company and chose to be, not because one of you feels like you owe the other anything.
I imagine the reason he brings it up is because sometimes you said you pay. I’d imagine he doesn’t want any awkwardness when the bill arrives. Providing he’s not nit picking the bill at the end, and you’re both ordering what you want, I don’t see the issue here.

I disagree. It’s not about whether it is tight or mean but whether it feels like it is. And it does.

Also because of this, I’d worry that he actually is tight or mean, which are incredibly unattractive traits.

YANBU. Ask him why OP.

It sounds like you lead quite separate lives, with completely separate finances: maybe this is his way of keeping it like that, as it would be harder to keep track of who last paid / how much if you take it in turns. Do you have any plans to move the relationship forward and share anything - money / accounts, homes, children, possessions?

How can it feel tight when he's paying basically the same as he would under your preferred method of taking turns (your method might lead to someone paying more if a more expensive restaurant fell on "their turn" but would probably broadly even out over time)?

I don't think splitting the bill vs taking turns are different enough that one would be what I want, and one would really bother me.

Is the bill splitting fair? Or are you ordering salad and he's ordering steak?

I'd be fine with bill splitting generally but it would bother me that he never wants to treat me (as you have him)

Does he do gifts? Is he generous with family/friends?

I'd be cautious for signs he's a miser which isn't attractive at all

It is different because its more faff. Its like he doesn't want to take turns in case the relationship ends and he's out of pocket for that one meal or something. I don't even do this with friends I go and see one on one. I wouldn't mind if it was friends but the whole ceremony of letting you know you're splitting every single time, would give me the ick because it signals that he doesn't want to take the relationship forward and even if he did, it wouldn't be a comfortable living situation. I would end it, I couldn't deal with this and wouldn't dream of having a child with someone like this.

As you split every time anyway I don't think there's need for him to mention it every time in advance, and this would get on my nerves after a while. Next time he mentions it just tell him that's the norm every time anyway so there's no need to mention it every time. No point of circling around it and not mentioning it because of criticising him.

I think I would dump him because he happily lets you pay the full bill at times and then still does 50/50 the next time.

Any decent person would say ‘you paid last time, I’ll get this one’.

Did he never to send you half the money when you paid the full bill?

I’m with you, op. It’s not about the amount of money- there’s just something slightly depressing and bean-county about always splitting the bill. Taking it in turns has more style and is a statement of faith in the future- you know it will work out fairly overall because you know there are many dinners to come. (It’s also an approach that works best when everyone has plenty of money so there’s no cash flow issue about paying for the whole thing- is that a factor, either current income or different backgrounds?)

I wonder whether he’s actually aware of what you want though. I think lots of men have in mind an idea they could pay for everything, and they also have in mind the idea of splitting the bill. But they might not even have considered taking it in turns as a possibility. Why not just suggest it if it matters to you?

I certainly wouldn’t read anything negative into it, even though like you I’m not keen on splitting.

I feel the same way OP, I prefer to take turns paying rather than splitting the bill. It’s not about saving money but about showing love and care for each other and feeling like a couple.
I told my DP quite strongly several times that his approach of splitting the bill every time was upsetting me and eventually he stopped assuming it.
I’d suggest taking to your DP about it one day when you are not in a restaurant , not in a confrontational way but to understand each other’s perspective.

This would be such a turn off...

He's no gentleman is he?

And there I was searching for the right words. Thank you. This. 100%

Whats the alternative

do you want him to bank roll you or do you want to bank roll him

Have you been on many dates first dates recently? Dinner on a first date? A quick drink where you both buy the a round is more usual. Why would you commit to a full meal when you only know them over text or phone?

OP I think 50/50 is pretty standard for most people these days but obviously there should be exceptions like birthdays and special meals. Splitting the bill is a bit annoying but I guess it maybe that he likes to pay as he goes rather than leaving an outstanding meal that is either an unexpected cost or something that feels owed. I think this is more of an annoyance than a deal breaker.

I would never be with a man who made me pay half for dinner.

Oh I’m with you 100%, I can’t bear it - all that counting the pennies and fiddling with calculators seems so mean and unattractive. Eating out isn’t about counting the small change, it’s about indulgence.
My DH and I roughly take it in equal turns to pay the full bill (not that we ever eat out any more, so count yourself lucky on that at least!). Or whoever suggested the meal/takeaway pays. If it’s my ‘turn’ and he then pulls out a handful of cash at the end and says he’ll get it, it feels lovely and romantic.

My sister is with a man like this.

I’ll never forget when she had a newborn baby and he went up and ordered and paid for his own food only. He’s still like this now.
He’s never got any money when she asks him to contribute towards food shopping or things for the house and kids despite working full time. He’s always got money when he wants something for himself.

Until we got a joint account DP and I always went halves, easier than remembering whose turn it was. (Unless one of us was treating the other for whatever reason.) Would find the constant reminders a bit unnecessary but nothing wrong with going halves as a default if you don't share finances.