Partner always wants to go halves

[PennyApril54]

Been seeing my partner for around 2 years now. Both buy food / drinks when we see each other in our separate homes but I feel annoyed about his approach to eating out.
He always wants to split the bill down the middle and clarifies this is the plan before we even decide to eat out i.e. He says ' will we go to X for food and split it'.
I prefer us to have turns each paying and have paid the full amount before only to be met be the halves suggestion the next time.

I feel there's something about this that seems cold, distant, formal. It doesn't feel caring or romantic in any way.
AUBU? Yes.. it's a bit of a shitty approach to a dinner date
No...going halves every time is fine

Do you ever pull out cash yourself to make him feel lovely and romantic?

I'd feel the same OP. It's not the paying equally, that's the right thing to do. Me and my partner of 8 years take turns and have done from the off. It feels more like a partnership this way, as opposed to splitting with a friend.

Are you looking to having children with him? I don't think his approach necessarily means he's tight and bodes ill for the future, it could just be a habit he's had all his adult life. You say he's great in every other way and it doesn't sound like it's all one way when cooking for each other.

In your shoes I'd find a light hearted way to raise it. Don't make it a problem but equally if it makes you feel a bit shit then you must address it.

It can be quite expensive to pay for the whole bill, even if it evens out in the end.

If the relationship has legs and you see a future can you open up a joint fun money account. This is what my ex and I did, just an internet account like Chase or Monzo. We each put some money in and it was there for meals, trips, holidays. No faff over who was paying. Two years together seems long enough for this if you are both solvent and issues with debt/credit.

Surely the end result is exactly the same? It seems as though you are looking for something bad to pin your feelings on to, which is the real red flag here. Maybe the relationship has just run its course and you are looking for a way to end it?

This and also it's giving me the slight ick OP

I’d much rather split each time than faff around trying to remember “turns”! It’s what DH and I always did when we were first together, until we opened up a joint account for things like this when we moved in together. Neither of us are tight, it’s just way more practical. If you have a joint card then it looks like one of you is paying, if appearances are important to you.

If you always split, then either of you can easily “treat” whenever you want by paying the lot. Just don’t start doing it randomly and then get annoyed if he doesn’t reciprocate. It would do my head in if someone wanted me to keep track of things like that. Life is busy enough!

I can see the announcement being annoying, so do have a word about that so it stops grating. If the expectation is that you’ll split the bill, then no need to announce it.

How often do you go out to eat?

Im guessing he's been burned before and is hesitant to get money involved in his relationship. I have plenty of friends who still pay separately when they're out - DH and I have all shared money but that's not how it works for everyone so sometimes if we're out with another couple it's 3 cards on the table. I think it's slightly annoying that he announces it each time - surely you both know how it works - so I'd just say 'let's just agree we always split things and never talk about it again' and move on if this is the only niggle.

Sounds like though if you're considering a future of living together or children etc it's worth having a financial conversation beforehand as that could get tricky very quickly.

Go halves on this if you want, but if you ever move in together, I sure as hell bet he won't be going halves on everything involved in running a home. Men like this only want it to be equal when equal isn't actually equal (does he earn more than you?)

Have a kitty!!

£100 each into a designated wallet and then one of you uses it until it needs topping up.

An oldie but goodie!

Or... dump him if he's a tightarse.

Not very much tbh not as much as I'd like.

Oh bloody hell life is too short for this, get a man that wants to treat you to things not always 50/50.

I’ve never done this. Not even as a teenager. You take turns. It all evens out as long as one of you isn’t tight (and suggests McDonald’s when it’s their turn!). My daughter is 19 and her and her boyfriend take turns.

Going strictly halves can still be tight.

Back in the old days there used to be a minimum charge of 4.2p or something to make a local landline phonecall.

I had a flatmate who would scour the phone bill, work out which local places we'd called to order a shared pizza, or a shared taxi, and split each 4.2p in half. That was bloody tight even then!!

Half-ish is accurate enough if you're going halves after 2 years.

She does treat him, he doesn’t reciprocate, he just does 50/50 the next time.

I think going halves is fine in principle but it would annoy me that he felt the need to keep saying it! As though I was some sort of freeloader.

I also think it’s nice to each treat the other one - voluntarily- from time to time, and someone who never wanted to do that would put me off.

I think this is part of that issue, I've always done it taking turns even with friends since a teen.

Here's what you do @PennyApril54

Wait until he says his thing, then you say,
'Oh, I was going to treat you but halves is fine, no problem.'
Then break eye contact and look at the menu.
If he back tracks, keep insisting that, 'no, halves is great.'

That should break his habit.

We've been married for over 30 years and we go halves on meals out. Usually one of us pays and the other transfers their share. This is because our joint accounts are for bills and essentials, we pay for treats such as meals out and holidays 50/50 from our own accounts.
If one of us earned far more than the other - or was a SAHP - I would find this unfair but we earn approximately the same so it seems the fairest way.

This would give me the ick but I can’t put my finger on why. I am always happy to pay and we take turns so technically it’s coming out as the same. Something to do with splitting seems weird.

I think going halves when eating out is very infrequent, then it's fair enough really. It sounds like you're just incompatible in this element – up to you if it's a dealbreaker.

Ask him to take turns instead for while – he should be able to compromise in doing it your way for a 6 month period or so.