Partner always wants to go halves

[PennyApril54]

Been seeing my partner for around 2 years now. Both buy food / drinks when we see each other in our separate homes but I feel annoyed about his approach to eating out.
He always wants to split the bill down the middle and clarifies this is the plan before we even decide to eat out i.e. He says ' will we go to X for food and split it'.
I prefer us to have turns each paying and have paid the full amount before only to be met be the halves suggestion the next time.

I feel there's something about this that seems cold, distant, formal. It doesn't feel caring or romantic in any way.
AUBU? Yes.. it's a bit of a shitty approach to a dinner date
No...going halves every time is fine

I might get flamed for this but I wouldn't like it. He sounds tight and frugal. I'm not saying he should foot the bill every single time, I often pay when me and my oh go out for dinner and I don't mind obviously. But his approach just seems cold and disengaged from the get go. Like he's going out to eat with a colleague rather than his girlfriend. This would be a deal breaker for me. I could just imagine it getting worse as the relationship progressed with his need to split everything down the middle.

I wouldn't go 'halves', I'd pay my own way, every time. He can do the same.

He can certainly decide not to pay for you ever but he doesn't get to decide on 'halves'.

It’s not the way I’d do it personally and isn’t the way my husband & I did it even when dating, we just used to take turns but then the cost was usually roughly the same each time. I could see where you might do 50/50 if say one week it was a steak dinner and the next it was a coffee lunch but I think it is just a case of differing opinions

This. It reveals a controlling, petty nature.

After 2 years you should be able to say 'look dude, the way you want to split the bill every time we go out makes me want to clamp my legs shut, we need a other system for paying' and throw in some suggestions.

It kills the romance it my opinion. Seems like he's totting up every penny

Taking it in turns is far better and even then it shouldn't be rigorous.

It might be worth thinking about why after so long are you worried about saying anything critical?

Spot on!

What's the 'almost', OP?

I had a boyfriend once who did this, or sometimes would order his own food and drink at the bar 😂 and I would order my own 😂 then we would take turns going to the bar for drinks

Sit down meals I would transfer him my half of the the money afterwards. I married him and he is still the same (we actually do the you pay this time i will pay next time now) - but it works for us. We split all bills and shopping and what's left is our own. He isn't controlling or anything like that and we split major purchases, he is just a very funny buggar.

I prefer halves to be honest. DP and I have a joint account for bills etc but the rest of our money is ours to do with as we wish, and its more affordable for both of us to just pay for what we ate. If one of us pays for the whole thing its a big dent in the hobby / fun money we both have. If one of us does pay the whole thing then the other will pick up the bill for the next food shop etc. Essentially it all evens out and its pretty much an unspoken agreement that we split things fairly. I agree that announcing it formally at the start of the meal is a bit weird and off putting.

If it’s not working for you, you need to say something.

I’ve been with DH for 12 years, married for 3 and we both put equal amounts into a ‘fun pot’ and that’s what we pay for dinners out with. Might that work?

I don't get how taking it in turns is any more cold/distant/not-partner-like than going halves each time.

In my mind, splitting the bill is something you do on early dates when you aren't sure if you'll meet up again!

After two years surely you can take turns. Or maybe play him at his own game and say well actually you are happy to split it but to only pay for your own items, not to split down the middle. Mirror his not picking over the cost right back at him!

I think it's fine to start with but after two years I'd find it a bit weird, like you are still strangers getting to know each other.

I know a married couple who are like this with all finances - "you owe me £3.50" etc etc it's just really awkward!

If he always says "will we...." and you say "yes" instead of telling him you'd prefer to do things differently, then you're very unreasonable to be on here complaining about it, instead of just having a conversation with him.

I think you're on a slipper slope when you start playing those sort of games. I'd try having a conversation with him if you're that upset about it.

I hear you…. Sometimes a meal out is a gift from one person to the other… it’s lovely to treat someone and I would be upset if that person insisted on paying half if my invitation was to take them out so that I could express my love/appreciation/thanks to them. Similarly I would not spoil it for my partner if he asked me out for a meal by making a fuss about paying.

I really don't understand this either! Taking it in turns is more awkward to me. We might eat at a cheap local Sri Lankan place one week and a Michelin-starred tasting menu the next. We might go weeks without eating out and then forget who paid last time. Going halves bypasses all those issues.

(We did that until we got a joint account... we don't have intertwined finances but there's one pot for both bills and shared fun.)

He is not a partner he is just a friend. He would do this even on your birthday I would presume? The relationship won't go anywhere, I knew a man like this and.at 55 he is still single.

It sounds horribly transactional for two years into a relationship. You can still both pay your way fairly without him being so rigid. I would much prefer to just take it turns to treat the other one, just feels much warmer. It's almost as if he wants to be absolutely sure you're "even" if you split up, rather than him being owed the next meal

OP, I agree with you, it would be uncomfortable for me too, and it's not about whose half costs more.
If I am at a stage of sleeping with someone, I would definitely take turns in payment. Today he is treating me, next time I am treating him. Paying halves is when we are friends, not intimate partners.

It’s a bit unromantic and transactional. My boyfriend and I have also been together around 2 years and we just take turns to pay, we don’t keep tabs on it though.

Splitting 50/50 is more fair as if you take it in turns one might end up paying way more than the other. However, what's good about taking it in turns is that you'll feel like he's treating you sometimes and that's nice.
How do you compare to each other in terms of Finances? Are you equally well off or is one of you significantly wealthier?

I haven't, I don't know quite how to put it without it sounding like a critical thing.

Going halves is the symptom, not coming across as critical is the real problem. What would be the worst thing that could happen if you sounded critical?