Partner always wants to go halves

[PennyApril54]

Been seeing my partner for around 2 years now. Both buy food / drinks when we see each other in our separate homes but I feel annoyed about his approach to eating out.
He always wants to split the bill down the middle and clarifies this is the plan before we even decide to eat out i.e. He says ' will we go to X for food and split it'.
I prefer us to have turns each paying and have paid the full amount before only to be met be the halves suggestion the next time.

I feel there's something about this that seems cold, distant, formal. It doesn't feel caring or romantic in any way.
AUBU? Yes.. it's a bit of a shitty approach to a dinner date
No...going halves every time is fine

"He's showing you who he is" Lol

What, someone fair?

I agree with you, it's not romantic at all. I suppose the problem is so many people get ripped off by others. It's not nice to think he's worried about you doing that to him though.

Lack of generosity.
Awful trait.

Doesn’t it just even out over time if you take turns paying? Or is it a case of remembering who paid last? I can understand that, I would forget.

I would put an extra £50 each or whatever amount in the joint account each month to cover meals out.

Was it fair for OP to pay the full bill and
then next time he only paid his half?

The poster is right, this is who he is.

Going halves or not, mentioning it before the meal would give me the massive ick, whether its friend, partner, family, whoever, just wait until the bill comes ffs!

Unless you're going to a Michelin Star place one week and McDonalds the next, does it really matter which way around you do it? It'll all even out over time.

Personally I'm a 'take turns' payer to save hassle, but it's no biggie either way.

Your real issue is the issue that you can’t bring it up.

It’s perfectly fair to split the bill, taking turns will never be quite fair, it wouldn’t bother me. DH and I do take turns, first date I insisted on paying. For me it was very much I earn my own money and am not beholden nor am I needing a man. This is from a place as a young woman that had no intention of ever marrying though I obviously did, much to my shock as everyone else’s.

DS had a date with a girl at the weekend and she suggested halves, he insisted on paying. I was quite taken aback. She is apparently very lovely.

Couldn't be easier for staff and is the most sensible way to split a bill.

I'm with OP though. It would give me the ick.

Next time I would say ‘Don’t worry I’ll get it, I feel mortified when you say to the waiter that we’ll split the bill. It’s like we’re on a first date FFS, not in a two year relationship.’

That was her choice, her decision on that occasion, and also she then agreed his plan to go halves next time as they do that in advance. It's not like he sprung that on her. If she feels that strongly that he owes her, she needs to speak up, just like he does. So yeah, fair.

I’m a bit confused about your voting, but I voted YANBU trying to mean that 50/50 is fine. Bit weird to announce it in advance but a minor thing in the great scheme if he’s otherwise a good bloke.

Yes, I’ve been on dozens of first dates over the last few months, ranging from coffee and a walk to dinner followed by drinks at a bar. Every single time the man paid. Pretty standard in the pool in which I’m dating (professional men aged 30-40).

It’s not just one occasion, she has treated him a few times.

People who think they don’t have to reciprocate being treated may be right that it’s fair they take advantage as often as they can get away with, but everyone else thinks it’s dickish behaviour.

Enjoy saving your £20.

This way has evolved over 32 years. There have been times when DH has earned more, and others when I did, and times when we had no spare money for meals out. Now we are about equal and have a bit of spare cash we have settled on this way of managing our finances and we're both happy with it.

Does he eat more than you?

This would annoy me and put me off tbh.

I'm surprised you've lasted two whole years ☹️.

Being able to be a bit relaxed around costs, to trust that things will even up, to trust that the other person isn't trying to score a freebie — these are all things that are important in a serious relationship. Particularly down the line when you're a SAHM looking after the children and he's the one who's earning.

People who aren't flexible or generous are unlikely to make good long-term partners. My partner and I have never used a calculator to split bills in more than 20 years and I'm mortified when we go out with couples who keep score all the time and exchange small change at the end of each meal to balance things up.

For me the biggest issue is that he will let you pay and then not pick up next time. Why does he think you're treating him?

I'd have binned this one off a long time ago to be honest, its no way to live. I couldn't cope with the meanness. But I think we he announces before you go out "we're splitting the bill" I would just start responding "of course we are, you never pay for me" or some such.

I think it’s nice if it happens but I don’t expect to be paid for, I’ve also got a professional job and can pay for myself.

This is exactly what came to mind when I read the OP. If the relationship progresses to children, I can see OP doing all sorts to save her half of the bills etc, so she can keep paying her half on maternity leave. Naturally he will just continue living as if nothing has changed for him ☹️.

Yes I don't think it's attractive to be so protective of his self interests. In a long term relationship you want to be with someone who is happy to treat you, or look after you, or care for you sometimes, and to be treated/cared for or looked after by you at other times. Even if that occasionally means you give more than you take, and occasionally means he does. Not someone who fiercely guards his own resources and makes sure he never pays a penny more than his 'share'.

So she needs to communicate that to him, or not agree to what he literally asks her to agree to.

Enjoy the consequences of your own decisions!

I was dating about a year ago, first dates would often be coffee and second a meal. My current partner didn't hesitate when we went for coffee to get mine at the same time. He also paid for dinner on the second date- I got the third and we've alternated ever since. Its not about cashing out or paying less- I think we're pretty well balanced in what we spend, but for me the first few dates show a lot about peoples attitudes towards money and generosity.

Some people will split bills on dates, fine, but I don't want to be with someone who is constantly reaching for the calculator to see who owes what.

It's ridiculously petty OP and I would find this a massive turn-off. Very unromantic, pedantic and ungentlemanly. Trust me, with people like this, it's never just money they are petty about!

The fact that he always says ahead of seeing you "Shall we go to x and split the bill" is cringeworthy. Bleuuuugh!

This is the type of man who would insist on split finances to the penny if you ever married him. If you had a baby with him and wanted to take a longer maternity leave for any reason, he wouldn't support you. He would have his money, you would have yours - separate like flatmates - and everything counted to the last penny.

It's utterly pathetic in a relationship and frankly, life is too short. Often, this type of man has other controlling / insecure behaviours too. For example, my friend's DH was always like this. Even now they have kids, he keeps his bank account secret and she even has to give him half the petrol if he fills up the car! He is also an alcoholic.

Be very careful. This type of man will never have your back.