To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

I don’t think you are. You’ve made up your mind and you just want people to provide more sneering fodder. This is a very unpleasant thread.

It's a bit weird. Even private ceremonies. Do people feel their original vows 'wear out'?

Just give him a peck on the cheek and tell him you love him, dear. Nobody cares.

@Timble Thanks I really appreciate you responding!

I kind of get your point but only for the vow renewal bit specifically (as in the vows were for life, so why renew them if they haven't been broken). I think big anniversary parties with speeches about how much the couple love each other, everyone getting dressed up and having intergenerational fun together are the best!

Our friends did it for their 20th anniversary, but it wasn't a big party. Just a short ceremony, with their parents and two children, followed by a meal. No gift list, no Insta photos. It sounded lovely.

Well that would be fine, probably not my scene but I have no issue with it.

To me a vow renewal is nothing to do with having a party.

I don't have social media. I don't like pictures of myself so didn't even have a wedding photographer.

If I were to have a renewal it would be while we just happened to be on holiday and two of us would just nip somewhere to have a little blessing. No fuss, nobody else involved, no fancy outfits, no pictures!

And the only reason would be because DH has been a superstar during my illness, and I think it would be something lovely to do once I get the all clear. There wouldn't be any need to tell anyone else.

I always assume one of them has cheated tbh. Only because the only two vow renewals I've known people in my social circle to have were after one of them cheated.

If it's to celebrate a long time married, why not just have an anniversary party? That's pretty normal. Surely the part about recommitting your vows to each other is just part and parcel of life together - you show you're still willing and committed to e.g. loving one another through hard times or whichever bit of the vows, by.... doing it?

Wow, 50 years! Now that is an achievement worth having a ceremony for. How lovely 💐

I can try to articulate my reasons for @Timble.

DH and I only made it to 27 yrs. Our wedding service was fine, but not quite what I wanted - some of it included making other people happy.

Something small just for us would have been nice, to celebrate surviving what we'd come through together - health travails and so on.

From a mundane point of view, I'd have liked to have worn a frock* that I really loved and it would have been a lovely excuse for DH to wear his full kilt outfit one more time. (He couldn't afford it for our wedding.)

*Not a cream one the second time round. I look like death warmed up in white and cream.

Many years ago my aunt and uncle had a service of thanksgiving for their marriage and a big party afterwards. They were quite definite that it was not a renewal but thanksgiving. I'm of the same mind OP. I didn't sign up for a 10/20/30/40 year marriage. It's for life. Vows are not like library books. No need for renewal.

I like the idea of a moment to acknowledge a landmark anniversary and renew what we said to each other before the melee of life and kids, but we'd definitely elope if we were to do it. Maybe Vegas.

Again, why does it matter if the reason they are renewing their vows is because of infidelity?

Why would people sneer at that?

Agree. Friend of mine has just been caught by her husband after having an affair. Now her Facebook is full of pics and posts with 'the hubby'. I find it so cringeyworthy. I definitely always raise an eyebrow at the most loved-up social media couples 🧐

I can relate to this (though I wasn't married young).

We thought about it after a rocky patch. Nothing wrong with our marriage but we’d been through bereavements and personal illness and it had been a battering couple of years. We decided it made us feel too much like there was something wrong and just went on holiday instead.

@misssultana I think you're right. My cheating exh wanted to renew our vows. To me there's no point. Who's to say they mean any more second time round if they'd been broken once already. I also think its a bit embarrassing. No ones love story is that special to other people that they need to be re-celebrated.

My husband and I renewed our vows 12 years ago, not because our marriage was in trouble, but to mark the next chapter in our lives together. We had so many people tell us how lovely it was. It wasn't a big expensive event, but then neither was our first wedding. We will celebrate 30 years of marriage later this year.

It's really common in the Catholic faith to have a vow renewal for big anniversaries like your silver and gold wedding anniversaries. It doesn't mean anyone has cheated, far from it - it's a way of publicly celebrating your achievement as a couple, and saying to your family and friends that you still choose and love each other after all these years.

I think it's really romantic and not at all grabby or attention seeking.

You see it's posts like this that make me doubt myself. We'll have been married for 25 years next year. My husband hasn't worn a wedding ring for half of that time because it was stolen when our house was burgled and any replacement doesn't seem right to him. I'd love to have a small ceremony at our local church for just us - no pomp, nothing grand where I could buy him a new ring and it would feel right again. We have a loving marriage - I don't think there's anything wrong celebrating that and any negative thoughts you might have are all on you.

I suppose part of my not really "getting" it if that I'm not really into the whole wearing a big dress and being in front of everyone in the first place. I was glad to get the first (and hopefully only) wedding ceremony over with! It was lovely but once was more than enough for me. Ours was also influenced by family as it was far larger than I would have chosen if it were up to me. For me the vows were meaningful and don't need to be repeated and its the marriage that is actually important not a single day.

I do appreciate you explaining why you would have wanted to do it and I'm very sorry for your loss 💐

I didn’t have a wedding because of Covid so plan to throw a huge vow renewal for our 10 year anniversary…

Crass, probably. But I never got the party I wanted!

I am a catholic and I don't think its that common in the catholic side of my family although one person from that side has done it. I really don't find it romantic at all if I'm honest.

Yes vow renewal means one of the couple has cheated.

I'm a wiccan married (sort of) to another wiccan, we are supposed to renew our vows. It's nothing to do with cheating but a time to reflect and celebrate, to check in properly with each other and to not take each other for granted. It's supposed to be about strengthening the bonds.