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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

448 replies

misssultana · 13/01/2025 13:37

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

OP posts:
misssultana · 13/01/2025 14:59

@Timble So I've asked this a few times now and never got a reply but can I ask why exactly you wanted to have a ceremony to renew your vows if they had not been broken? What was the purpose for you? Did you feel like the old vows did not still stand? I am genuinely curious.

OP posts:
GRex · 13/01/2025 14:59

daisyelle · 13/01/2025 14:48

We're going to be renewing ours for our 10th anniversary. Neither of us have cheated and neither of us are trying to put a plaster over our relationship - my dad has probably 18 months max left and this will be the last time that we'll be able to have our friends and family together. We're doing the renewal and a party, not an expensive replica of the wedding/no sit down meal, and DC who wasn't born at our wedding can be a part of the ceremony. But good to know people will be trying to guess which one of us has been playing away 👍🏻 🤣

You don't need to scrap around for a good enough reason just invite them all to hang out. Text everyone to see who's free a week on Saturday, then book a pub or buy food and drinks. Do it again in the summer.

Sorry your dad is unwell. Don't wait for a particular moment, you don't need to.

OllyBJolly · 13/01/2025 14:59

SwingTheMonkey · 13/01/2025 13:42

I’d like to do it at 20 years. Not because our marriage is on the rocks, or because either of us cheated (we haven’t). But because we got together, had a child and married within 18 months. Most of our friends didn’t think it would last but we’re still blissfully married, 16 years later. I’d like to celebrate our achievement.
However, we’d do it alone, probably in a foreign country with no friends and family celebration - it’d be purely for us. In addition, I’ve also lost a lot of weight and quite fancy a do over of our wedding pictures!

Why not just have a 20th Wedding anniversary party? Or hold on 5 years for a Silver Wedding?

I think if you have to say the vows again then you didn't mean them the first time. (And I'm on my second marriage - I was very reluctant to have a second wedding.)

Floralnomad · 13/01/2025 15:01

I don’t care what other people do but I do think the natural reaction to a vow renewal is that the vows have been broken . I also don’t see why you can’t just have a party without the vow renewal part , it seems a bit exhibitionist to me . We’ve been married for 35 yrs , I don’t think it’s that difficult to have a long , happy marriage if you pick the right partner .

MereDintofPandiculation · 13/01/2025 15:04

Flossflower · 13/01/2025 14:41

I think they are cheesy. Why just not have a big party for a significant wedding anniversary?
If you do have one, please note, long white dresses usually look awful on someone older than 50!

Oh lovely! Someone else wanting to tell us older women what we can and cannot wear

Sceptic1234 · 13/01/2025 15:04

A friend of mine's parents did it. Found out later that he'd had an affair with another woman.....

Not that I'm a great Gavin and Stacy fan, but Pete and Dawn did it.....

Bejinxed · 13/01/2025 15:05

I agree with you op but am biased. My friends's parents renewed their vows 3 times that I know of and was invited to - each time because one of them had had an affair. The party was good but clearly the vows themselves meant very little to them.

ElaborateCushion · 13/01/2025 15:05

I quite like the idea if you've got children that weren't around when you first got married or were too small to remember, but I agree that in that case, something small in your garden with the kids and close family would be perfect for me.

The whole "throw another wedding" thing does seem OTT.

If it's to celebrate a milestone anniversary, why not just have an anniversary party?! That's what my DP's did for their last big milestone.

That said, the more I think about that, it's a bit weird - why would anyone other than you want to celebrate the longevity of your marriage??

Same could be said for birthdays too I guess!

Moveoverdarlin · 13/01/2025 15:06

You only renew things that have expired.

BlueSky2024 · 13/01/2025 15:06

Most people find 1st weddings boring, not to mind 2nd ones where they are renewing vows, unless it was for something really significant like recovering from cancer (other serious illness) where they were marking the end of a traumatic time and the beginning of a new life

Timble · 13/01/2025 15:07

misssultana · 13/01/2025 14:59

@Timble So I've asked this a few times now and never got a reply but can I ask why exactly you wanted to have a ceremony to renew your vows if they had not been broken? What was the purpose for you? Did you feel like the old vows did not still stand? I am genuinely curious.

We married young. We got married abroad just us 2. I had a dress I hated and I was ill on my wedding day. Overall it wasn’t the best exoerience and I couldn’t really remember it. I’d say we are so much stronger as a couple now and I actually felt the vows mean more now than they did then (maybe because we were so young and a bit naive and just wanted to be married). I guess maybe I wanted a do over, I really just wanted to celebrate with my husband. We’ve been through a lot (no cheating or relationship issues, just life) and it meant a lot to us. I had no idea so many people saw it as something negative and believe a marriage has to be in Trouble or cheating involved. Sad really. We had an amazing day.

TooManyChristmasCards · 13/01/2025 15:08

Hipalong · 13/01/2025 14:56

Isn't it our business when we're invited to them?

I am sure you can decline

I am not sure why the REASONS behind the renewal would be your business?

PullTheBricksDown · 13/01/2025 15:08

A few people have mentioned it, so here in all its glory is the GOAT, Pete and Dawn's vow renewal ceremony

WearyAuldWumman · 13/01/2025 15:09

toomuchfaff · 13/01/2025 13:44

Jeez you sound like a bitter, twisted, killjoy.

If people want to renew their vows, for whatever reason, let them. The biggest gift you could give them is your non attendance, after all if you think they're crass, grabby, attention seeking and a waste of money, may as well stay at home.

I would have liked to do this for a significant anniversary with my husband - not a big party, just the vow renewal. Unfortunately, DH didn't make it to our Pearl Wedding.

Maddy70 · 13/01/2025 15:10

misssultana · 13/01/2025 14:34

@Maddy70 Can I ask why specifically you felt the need to renew vows you'd already made and stuck to? What was it exactly you were getting out of that? I'm genuinely curious because to me my original vows still stand and don't need to be renewed.

We had a massive wedding years ago this was just the two of us in a foreign location. Lovely. It's reaffirming we still love each other I'm not expecting you to understand. This wasn't for you

TooManyChristmasCards · 13/01/2025 15:10

Even if someone wants to have renewals just for the opportunity of wearing another amazing dress, then so what? Go for it.

Why the hatred?

TallulahBetty · 13/01/2025 15:10

I view this the same way I view joint Facebook profiles. Which one cheated?

Unless they're Dawn & Pete Sutcliffe?

SmellLikeStreepForCheap · 13/01/2025 15:12

RJnomore1 · 13/01/2025 14:53

Anyone who thinks a 20 year marriage isn't an achievement either hasn't been married anywhere near that long or is kidding themselves on! Even when you love the ones of someone it's a huge achievement...

I assume this was aimed at me as I’m the one who said I don’t see a 20 year marriage (or a marriage of any length, tbh) to be an achievement. You’ll notice I also mentioned that I’ll be married 19 years this year.

19 very happy years, I’ll add. A genuinely happy marriage. Life has thrown some doozies at us, but we’re lucky that our relationship has always been a source of strength during difficult times, and we love each other very much. We just don’t need anyone else to validate that. Especially not people “who didn’t think it would last”.

I still don’t see my being married for X number of years as an achievement. A relationship status isn’t an achievement. Absolutely, it’s a source of joy for the individuals, but expecting external parties to acknowledge a fairly standard milestone as some kind of rare achievement that requires reenactment is quite narcissistic behaviour.

If you had a local builder who threw a party every time one of his houses lasted for more than 20 years, would you hire him?

Pigeon123456 · 13/01/2025 15:12

I once attended a church service (an ordinary Sunday service) during which a couple celebrating their golden wedding anniversary renewed their vows. Their families came and it lasted 5-10 minutes of the whole service. It was very sweet and meaningful. But that sounds quite different to some of the other events being described on this thread!

StrawberrySquash · 13/01/2025 15:12

I've only been to one and it was nice. A bit like a mini wedding. It was a couple who were friends of my parents so I'd not even been imagined when they got married. I guess it cost a fair bit as it was followed by a meal in a hotel, but it's no more illogical than spending money on a nice wedding. And it had speeches like a wedding which is always nice as you find out more about people which is always interesting. Just a nice excuse to get people together.

LazyArsedMagician · 13/01/2025 15:12

Like a PP I'd quite like to do it at 70, because we had a tiny wedding (although bigger than I wanted because of parental pressures). I'd like to do it again but rather have a big party for everyone. Assuming I have friends then lol.

SwingTheMonkey · 13/01/2025 15:13

OllyBJolly · 13/01/2025 14:59

Why not just have a 20th Wedding anniversary party? Or hold on 5 years for a Silver Wedding?

I think if you have to say the vows again then you didn't mean them the first time. (And I'm on my second marriage - I was very reluctant to have a second wedding.)

I’ve said this already but will repeat. We don’t want a party. We aren’t party people. We just want to go off and privately renew our vows.

TooManyChristmasCards · 13/01/2025 15:14

Saying vow renewals = cheating is just as stupid as saying wedding = unwanted pregnancy

MarchingToTheBand · 13/01/2025 15:15

I’ve only been to one. One of my closest friends got married at 18 and they paid for it themselves. It was very straight forward registry office, waited at the pub for a couple of hours until function room was ready and then function room with no food. I was 18 and had a great time and we all got really pissed. It’s one of my favourite memories.

They renewed their vows ten years later when their financial situation was entirely different and had then stereotypical “big wedding”. They asked for no gifts though. I understand why they renewed as she said she always wanted the fairy tale. I didn’t think it was attention seeky at all.

Personally I would never as we eloped and planning a wedding is my idea of hell, never mind two!

MferMonsterSearchingForRedemption · 13/01/2025 15:15

So what though? What matters if people want to renew their vows because they were broken by infidelity or something? Why does that actually matter?

Maybe most people who renew their vows have had big problems in their marriage that they have worked through. You aren't superior to them.