To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

Including weddings.

Is this just a replacement for having big celebrations for silver, ruby wedding anniversaries etc? With something to "do" in the form of the vow renewal?

100% OP. The instant I see vow renewal i immediately think someone has had an affair.

In a previous life I worked in events and renewals were generally viewed as one stop away from divorce! Maybe times have changed but it's all a bit naff isn't it?

It's always Which One Cheated, innit?

We celebrate our 35th this year - traditionally coral, but that is no longer acceptable for ecological/environmental reasons,the modern option is jade.

My friends did it after 10yrs due to having such small children at the time they got married.
In hindsight it was a good thing as the husband died of bowel cancer in November. The celebrant who did the vow renewal also did the the funeral.

Rightly or wrongly, when a couple announces they're renewing their vows I automatically assume it will be due to one of the following

1. Someone cheated
2. Someone is seriously ill
3. Someone needs attention

Why is it showing off? Yes, it maybe for some, but I wouldn't do it to show off, other than show off how much we still loved each other after all this time.

Why do you need to show off how much you love each other? Surely the love you share is private and more than enough without making a big public display? I'd think if people need to make a big show of how wonderful everything is then there is something amiss or they are exploiting their relationship for an ego boost.

I think it’s tacky and pointless. The whole point of your wedding vows is just how strong and binding and permanent they are. Marriage is a huge commitment. If you renew your vows , to me it seems like you didn’t mean them the first time round. It’s basically devaluing your actual wedding. I immediately think someone has cheated with these things.

YABVU. We're fairly recently married in the scheme of things. We have discussed the possibility of doing this for a milestone (if we're so lucky) for one simple reason: we both fucking loathed our registrar. She really marred our wedding ceremony. We've both admitted how upset we were by her behaviour and the best man and a bridesmaid also thought she was awful.

Not fussed about having a party or a celebration, I'd just like a do over not conducted by an arrogant, sloppy, blundering bully bitch on a power trip. It would go some way to putting things right for us. I used to think like you, until family friends did this before terminal cancer killed one of them. And until I heard myself saying "we could always renew our vows - like an override".

No i always wanted to do it because our wedding was on the cheap and bit of a disaster. Nothing ti do with our marriage being on the rocks and all to do with having some better memories

Not unless they're forcing you to attend at gunpoint.

Well I love my husband, we have thus far stood the test of time and I think I'm proud of one of the better decisions I have made in my life and if I want to share the love with my family and friends, I will. I don't need your approval and If people decided to read into it that our marriage is failing because we want to publicly reaffirm our commitment to each other, then they can stay at home. Not everyone thinks like that.

And reaffirming love isn't a private thing, love is something you share with your family and friend, all the people I would like as guests. I want the kids, grandkids to know they came about from love and that they are loved and that we are here to support them.

Its exactly the same sentiment as christenings, weddings, funerals etc, you share the love.

I don't deny some have marriage vows as there have been problems and they want a fresh start.

I think I prefer my take to yours, but each to their own.

I don't think it's an assumption you can make, but then I have only been to one vow renewal - that was for two very good friends of mine where the wife had survived a range of life threatening health events. The vow renewal was a celebration of that survival and how they had stuck together through it, and it was altogether a beautiful thing.

I can totally understand why @HappySonHappyMum 's husband would want to have a blessing for his replacement ring.

You keep banging on about cheating. You seem to have rather a fixed notion about it.

I think this too, but I would add in
4, original wedding was small/disappointing/no photos etc.

A wedding is a big public display.

Anniversary parties are public displays of love.

I think that some people who are in crappy relationships like to convince themselves that these displays of love signal problems in someone's marriage to make themselves feel better about theirs. People are almost gleeful that vow renewal might signal infidelity.

Otherwise, why would you care so much? If you are annoyed by being invited to a vow renewal and you have to read so much negativity into it, maybe it's you with the problem.

For many people, the renewal ceremony is one where they express their gratitude to their spouse.

I prefer your take, too.

Love is something to celebrate and bitterness about how other people do that is not a good look.

I feel sad people have this attitude as it’s stopped us renewing our vows even though it’s something my husband would love us to do. We have been married over 20 years and our marriage has never been in trouble nor have either of us cheated but we assume people will think that so we have never done anything.

I’m so glad this thread hasn’t all been bitterness and unpleasantness.

Nuts to them, the family and friends you love will know better. You go for it girl, I think its lovely he wants to do that x

Ahh you should go ahead and do it. Those that love you will just be happy to help you celebrate. Those who think negatively? Let them, that isn't your problem.

No different to a wedding or an anniversary party surely?