To think Vow Renewals signal a marriage in trouble?

[misssultana]

In my late 30s now and seeing a few of these things pop up in my peer group and beyond. One I know the the husband cheated and even briefly left his wife to be with the OW before sobering up to what the reality of divorce with two young children would look like. In another that particular marriage was the man's second and they started as an affair while he was still married to his first wife and he has a career that would give ample opportunity to cheat. Others I'm not sure but wouldn't be too shocked it that was the case.

Personally I don't see the point of it at all. It seems quite crass and attention seeking. Quite a few have been really expensive, essentially a wedding again with a sit down meal and evening reception and must have cost £10,000 + which seems like a tremendous waste of money. Then there is the gifting issue, some ask for no gifts but increasingly I've seen gift registries for vow renewal's which feels grabby.

To me I just think have a big party, make a speech if you want to proclaim your love to each other in front of your friends and family but renewing your vows in a faux marriage ceremony is either pointless or its because you feel those vows have been broken.

@BlueSky2024 I'm in the UK

We did this. We had been through a difficult time as my husband was an alcoholic. He's been in recovery for 15 years so when he reached 5 years and we were holidaying in vegas we just did it. We told no one and it was just the 2 of us. We chose the little church of the west. It was lovely .

I'm not against them - I potentially would do one when we reach a big milestone like a pp has said - 20 years or so. Or even 10 years. Our wedding was pretty small in terms of budget because we didn't want to go into debt etc, we're 7 years in now, I'd like to think we'll be in a position financially to throw a big(er) party in a few years time. That's all it would be though - a big party, an excuse to get dolled up. A friend of mine is also 7 years in and before Christmas did a huge vow renewal on location, in full wedding clothes with a photographer. Bit much, innit?!

You’re no more expected to go than any other social event you’re invited to. Just politely decline and think no more about it. You’ll be happier for it.

My Dad, who had just undergone a stem cell transplant in an attempt to add years to his life after a diagnosis of incurable cancer, asked my Mum to renew their vows for their 40th Wedding anniversary. No cheating. No betrayal. No starting again. Just a decent, hardworking, trustworthy, honest man faced with his mortality and wanting to acknowledge 40 years together when so many people get divorced these days and don't make it. She refused. He says that was the lowest point of his whole life, moreso than being given the bad news about the cancer. I don't think he'll ever get over it.

I’m in Ireland, Dosen’t really seem to be a thing here…..yet

My friend had been given a terminal diagnosis and had decided to renew the wedding vows. Except another friend told her that only people who cheat renew.
First friend didn't go through with it because of what the other person said.
It's too late now as first friend is bed bound and it's getting nearer the end.
This is now a regret of hers.

Aren’t some people absolute arseholes?

Im sorry about your friend.

Who are all these people having vow renewals and why haven’t I been invited to any?! 😆 I love a party and will go to anything. Especially now I’m past the stage where my circle are getting married.

Would I have one myself? No. Because yeah, everyone would joke about who had been unfaithful. Pretty standard response I think. I’d like to have a big party to celebrate our silver wedding anniversary though.

Never understand why anyone needs to renew their vows, surely they meant them when they married so why the need to do it again?

I was thinking similar - 25th wedding vowel renewal, but just us and maybe our kids, in a chapel in Italy or a beach somewhere. As much because so many of our friends didn’t make it this far. Not been plain sailing (2 x SEN kids) but we half think it was the issues with them that forge the team we’ve become. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d love to honour that.

However, everyone I know who did the 20/25 year wedding vows renewals all ended up separated within a year - one to shack up with his boyfriend once his youngest DC was married!

I think it's the word renewal that makes some posters think of it as though the original vows weren't enough etc, when in fact if you google it -

Vow renewals are a celebration of a marriage, a relationship and a life lived together. Often linked to big moments in a couple's life, vow renewal ceremonies offer the opportunity to re-affirm the commitments made on the wedding day and to look ahead to a bright future together.

Several posters have given perfect reasons for why they have or want to do so. Live and let live, if you get invited to one and you don't agree with them, don't go!

Your poor friend 🧡 x

I knew a couple who did it for their 50th anniversary in the same church they originally married in. Had a low key reception afterwards. It was nice but not something I would do personally (coming up to our 40th soon). Definitely not a marriage on the rocks - they were completely devoted.

No need to put a dampener on other people’s choices. You don’t like it, fine, but to be so opinionated to be calling people’s special moments ‘pointless’ ‘cringy’ and ‘attention seeking’ just makes you appear bitter

I personally wouldn’t but then again that’s not surprising since I wouldn’t get married in the first place. Each to his own but your comments come across as very judgmental.

I have to say I see it differently. I took a leap of faith to marry the man that I loved and to me the vow renewal in our case would be that despite everything we have been through, we made the right choice and we want the world to know that we are more than happy to do it all again. I'd like to share that love with family and friends who may not have been present at the original wedding.

Married 30 years and it's the length and strength of the union from 1995 that is significanct to us as a couple. I must admit that amongst my friends there'd be a raised eyebrow wondering which one had cheated if we heard of renewals because it's the one thing that doesn't need redoing unless the originals are seen to be broken.
I will have a huge party if I make it to 50 years, like my DPs and PIL.

I always have this suspicion too. If someone hasn’t broken their vows, why do they need renewed?

Unless done absolutely privately without a fuss, it's literally just showing off.

But then a lot of things are.

To be fair, most people don’t believe that - witness all the LTB threads on AIBU. For most people, vows are “until one of us gets fed up”. After all “you’ve only got one life”

Am in the same position, more or less

YABU simply because you have no idea why people you don’t know do things. DH and I renewed last year for a significant anniversary, neither have cheated, we invited no one apart from our two DC (both under ten, who weren’t at the first one!), and we did it quietly in our local church that we attend, just us and the kids and the vicar. We went for lunch with the kids afterwards to celebrate. We just wanted to celebrate how much we love each other, and how we still make the same choice as we did all that time ago. It was good 😊

It reminds me of Pete and Dawn on Gavin and Stacey.

Puff. Daddy.

I think I only know of one couple who’s done it and that was my friends parents, we were still in high school at the time. They’d been together since they were teens and their wedding was a registry office do, no party etc. They went all out and had a proper wedding I can understand them wanting to celebrate it was a lovely day.

For me like previous posters I’d do it as something just for us as a couple somewhere abroad, our wedding was all about bringing all our family, friends and kids together so was a busy day. If we celebrated a vow renewal that would just be for us