Kid being gossiped about by mums.

[motheroffour1980]

Hi there,

I just want to throw this out there to get other parents opinions.

My 5 year old just started in a nice, small, school in the Midlands last September. All has being well so far and he’s happy and made new friends.

However in his class there’s one mum who has been complaining to all the other parents about this one boy in the class who has a tendency to curse.

She said he has been cursing nearly every day in front of her daughter.

I personally think it is an overreaction on her part and she shouldn’t be sharing it with us or the other mums.

I heard this all initially from one of the other mums who she had first said it to, then another parent and another who all equally expressed concern having heard it from her .. before she said it directly to me one day.

She said she was “concerned” about this boy who was cursing, and she had told the school. She had reported him to the teacher.

I personally believe it’s now up to all involved to rectify it all. It’s really none of my business and I don’t appreciate being dragged into a conversation about it.

Now here’s the thing. I asked her how her daughter felt about it, and she fumbled an answer that her daughter was fine.

So here is where I think she’s out of line. If her daughter is otherwise fine then why is she blowing this up? I feel like she is trying to smear this poor boy (and throwing shade at his parents) through her righteousness because, yes technically she is right and he shouldn’t be cursing.

If she has informed her own daughter that bad language is unacceptable and her daughter is otherwise fine, then why has she gone on about this for months?

I personally think issues like this should be kept private between the parents of the children in question and the teachers.

It feels like she is trying to smear this boy for his bad behaviour and I can’t help but thinking how young they are and kids make mistakes and still have a lot to learn.

Also other parents are now talking about this “bad boy” in this class, who is only 5 years old. To think that he might not get invited to play dates now because this sanctimonious, perfect mother has told everyone about him. He is otherwise a good kid.

Should I talk to the teacher about her? Are there guidelines for parents gossiping about kids, and getting overly involved, does anyone know? I’m new to all this!

Am I being unreasonable ?

It could be neglect in respect that they may not be disciplining their son to stop swearing. But then again if this was part of a picture of neglect I am guessing there would be other signs? It's more likely the kid has heard casual swearing from somewhere. Maybe an older sibling or even television?

Define 'cursing'? one of my nana use to say 'bloody' was a swear word while the other insisted it absoloutly was not. I grew up to know 'fart' to be a swear word equal to 'shit' but others don't feel so and its even on kids TV and in books now. Some think 'hell' or 'damn' is cursing and I frankly couldn't care less.

Also a lot of 5 years old have speech issues, all 3 of mine where under SALT at that age and seemingly half their class was. My youngest will often loudly yell 'Cock' before proudly showing you what pattern is on her socks today because she can't talk well and can't say 'sss'.

I wouldn't gossip about it, but I do discourage friendships with children like that because it's very clear that they have learnt this language (and often: accompanying behaviour) at home.

If you don’t parent your children people quickly realise and will talk about it because it won’t just be one child who is affected.

They will take steps to ensure their children don’t start copying behaviour or end up harmed etc because that is within their control - the behaviour of the other parent and their child is not.

I don’t agree with cursing but when did cursing become associated with being harmed? What a leap!

They may not have learnt it at home. And even if they did then what does that imply? And what is this accompanying behaviour that comes along with cursing? I honestly think people are being very dramatic, especially considering it’s coming from a child who doesn’t know any better!

Harm was another example of poor behaviour parents will take their own action to address within their control.

You made the leap not me.

They will take steps to ensure their children don’t start copying behaviour or end up harmed

You said it. So if they curse they’ll end up harmed?

But you wouldn't necessarily know the extent of it for sure in this case. The other mums haven't (from the ops post at least) actually heard this child swear. This one mum apparently heard him and has told every other parent and totally blown it up. Her daughter wasn't upset or even copying it. It was literally just a case of "she said he said bad words" - I wouldn't want such a young kid excluded based on gossip.

@motheroffour1980 if another mum or the one starting the gossip approaches you again just say you don't want to engage in hearsay about young kids.

I would view it as a parenting problem - most five years olds who swear do so because that’s the language that is used at home. The complaining parent should have raised it with the teacher and left it at that. I agree that there shouldn’t be some kind of campaign waged against a child - but if the swearing isn’t addressed, then unfortunately that child is not likely to have many friends whose parents will let them go to his house.

This is not the definition of a good mum. This is a fear response typical of the herd mentality mindset.

This is not to belittle you because we all do it. I have and probably still do.

NT kids are not going to go around saying' fuck you ya total bastard 'after being around a swearing kid ( high chance the little dude here is ND). Other kids will just keep away most likely or will see the strong reactions of parents and know not to do this.

And it's ok if other mums don't want to invite the potty mouth guy to the parties. I would absolutely have to invite him because I would need to see and know for myself. I'd find it hilarious tbh if he was swearing ( to a point of course).

kudos to you that it could be quite funny! The difference here is that I don’t agree there’s any more likelihood that he’s neurodiverse than not. Having taught for many years, ime the worst language comes from parroting the appalling language of parents who often produce carbon copies of themselves. If he’s 5, that’s even more likely. It’s not the kid’s fault but that doesn’t make me want my child around the language.

@motheroffour1980
"They may not have learnt it at home." I'd agree with you OP if this were a 15 year old, but this is a FIVE year old. Where have they learnt this language if not at home? Wherever they've learnt it, if this is language they're routinely using at school, they're likely using it at home too, in which case why aren't their parents reprimanding and correcting them?

One of my kids is close friends with a 5 year old who swears a lot.. I have even heard his 3 year old brother say fucking hell.

It isn't ideal but I don't think he is otherwise badly parented at all, his behaviour generally is great and he is clearly well loved and cared for. His dad just swears a lot and it's clearly not important to them.

My kid hasn't picked up on it really - and I figure he is going to hear swearing around the place anyway, on the bus, tube etc

I don't let my DC socialise with kids who swear. But I also have no interest in talking ill of another child to other parents, and would never encourage or socialise with a gossip like this.

Right so she isn’t happy with someone’s behaviour and is talking about it,

you’re not happy with her behaviour and you’re here talking about her on a public internet forum.

I can’t really see how you are any better tbh.

Also, saying “what if it is Tourette’s” is ridiculous, Tourette’s is most commonly ticks not swearing. You’re really gasping at straws!!

I agree with you op. My sil and mil are constantly trying to involve me in the 'bad behaviour' tales of one of my nephews classmates. I gently remind them that this used to be my sons reality ( their nephew/ grandson) before he was diagnosed with ASD and thankfully people became more understanding and also he learned to mask/ manage when at school.

Handily missed off my “etc” there in your quote. So no I didn’t say that.

From experience it is very likely that they have learnt it at home. My kids are a bit older than yours and I have seen it more than once.

I can see that point of view. Yes definitely not a guarantee of being ND.

I'm NT, angelic in school because I knew instinctively it was in my best interests. We did enjoy shouting out swear words in the park though! 🤣.

I don't know how teachers cope today with minimal resources to support them with extra issues. If the kid can't or won't stop swearing in-class ( if that's going on) that's going to be tough to remedy.

I agree.

@Bet1439h no definitely not grasping. So ND conditions are being diagnosed at a significantly higher rate because there are a very significant number of people who are what we call ND. You need to realise the ND population is significant.

So this includes tourettes in many cases which often tags along with other ND conditions. You often wouldn't realise it because it can be so subtle you'd just see it as slight impulsivity in many cases.

Kids swearing is absolutely normal / typical in many situations. It's no big deal. Yet, if a kid is swearing non stop and it doesn't seem to stop one might think is there something else going on.

Don't tell me all these horrified pearl clutchers on here don't swear and their kids don't hear it. I have friends and relatives who are ' socially acceptable' from the MN perspective. Educated, good values,tax contributers, moral etc etc. They can swear like troopers and I know their kids overhear. Yet some kids just do not copy. There's an instinctive awareness for most kids not to do it because of the reaction of parents who are embarrassed by it. Understandable of course because it isn't socially acceptable.

Some parents don't care. If the school step in here and ' educate' potty mouth Johnny on the swearing problem and implications then he'll be fine. If he has socially unacceptable parents by MN standards then that may not change and he may carry on swearing , probably much less so if the school help him.

Gossip mum in this scenario may want to isolate him and the mum because he and they are not acceptable to her for whatever reason.

the most likely scenario is not Tourette’s.

I agree; statistically it's more likely not.

When my son was 5 we invited amongst other a little boy whose parents were very well to do and rather snobby, I'm sure she looked down on me in my little house etc. However this kid was absolutely obnoxious, continually swearing, it was grim. I rang his mother and told her to come and pick him up. It was actually upsetting the other kids. She was most put out but I didn't see why we should all put up with it and I didn't want any of the other kids copying him.