Page 26 | Hubs won't get the snip!!

241719robs · 2025-01-13T09:20:46+00:00

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'. We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at. Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

Mirabai · 13/01/2025 18:39

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 13/01/2025 18:24

How on earth can you possibly come to the conclusion that he brainwashed me from what I said?

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Who thinks contraception is 100% one partner’s responsibility just because the other doesn’t want another child? The responsibility is still joint.

FaithFables · 13/01/2025 18:39

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2025 09:30

What’s with the threat of withholding sex as a way of getting someone to do something to their body that they don't want to do? “get the snip and I’ll let you shag me” isn't the persuasive argument people seem to think it is. In fact, it could be seen as coercive and controlling behaviour!

No, it's not! It's taking away the risk of pregnancy. Why should OP risk pregnancy every time she has sex?

PureGypsyGold · 13/01/2025 18:44

Mirabai · 13/01/2025 16:27

You seem confused - she is entitled to ask him to take responsibility to for contraception given that she has taken it for years. She has the right to ask him to wear a condom - she also has the right to a him not to - in this case she doesn’t want him to as she thinks it’s too risky.

My second para was merely in response to this comment of yours:

If the roles were reversed, and a man said "please have this procedure with small risks

I pointed out that men ask women comparable questions all the time - please have my baby, please can I not wear a condom etc.

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It's not please have my baby its let's have a baby. Wifes don't just work as brood mares for their husbands, they want to have their children, usually more than the husband does. So it's not remotely comparable to a wife asking a husband to have a vasectomy because a pregnancy is something she actively chooses to do because it benefits her and gives her the child she wants, the husband isn't benefitted at all by the vasectomy because there are other easier options.

Again, I don't see the problem with condoms they are 98% effective and people get pregnant on other types of birth control all the time but apparently she's been happy with the risk until now. When I didn't want to take contraception anymore I told my husband we had to use condoms because I wasn't doing it anymore. He said of course, no problem. End of. Simple.k

Lostcat · 13/01/2025 18:45

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 13/01/2025 18:31

That reads like you are saying because the OP is uncomfortable with the options of barrier methods her husband should make himself uncomfortable, pose risks to his body and health and have a vasectomy he doesn’t want.

It just doesn’t work like that in real life.

And like other posters I’m damn certain if this woman was posting that her DH didn’t want anymore children and was forcing her to have her tubes tied there would be uproar.

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Well one of them has to take on the risks of an uncomfortable bodily/ medical procedure.
(The risks to OP are far greater than the risks to her DP. Furthermore she has until this point in time been the one who has taken on all those risks - but don’t let that context trouble you of course).
If neither of them are prepared to do so, then the only option left is abstinence from PIV sex 🤷🏼‍♀️

Bloom15 · 13/01/2025 18:45

A lot of men don't care about the consequences of becoming pregnant because it doesn't affect them. They probably think - accidentally pregnant? Get an abortion! I think it's shit but why else wouldn't they be bothered?!

DH had the snip a couple of years ago - after we had secondary infertility- once I hit 40 I said I didn't want a baby at that age. I was done with hormonal contraception so we had a discussion. And he had a vasectomy. I don't know why more men don't do it. They expect women to do all the work.

BeMellowOchreZebra · 13/01/2025 18:47

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 13/01/2025 09:22

Neither will mine. He won't buy condoms. I'm not fucking taking responsibility anymore, I did it for years. We haven't had sex for three years.

100% this.

If he respected your body he would either have the snip or accept no sex!

Krumblina · 13/01/2025 18:47

241719robs · 13/01/2025 09:25

@boulevardofbrokendreamss great response. Im worried if I did this our relationship would dwindle

You can have sex that isn't penis in vagina penetration. Although his attitude is off-putting. But separately you can still have a sexual relationship without risking pregnancy.

MrPepInHisStep90 · 13/01/2025 18:52

Some of you Mumsnetters seem angry and bitter.

No snip for me. Why should he have it? There's got to be other options to look at.

What if the relationship breaks down? He will then need corrective surgery.

Let's say I wanted to have kids after my ex-wife ran off and abandoned me and my little boy; I now need to have another surgery. No thanks.

Oh, it's 'minor', you all say.

AnonymousBleep · 13/01/2025 18:54

MrPepInHisStep90 · 13/01/2025 18:52

Some of you Mumsnetters seem angry and bitter.

No snip for me. Why should he have it? There's got to be other options to look at.

What if the relationship breaks down? He will then need corrective surgery.

Let's say I wanted to have kids after my ex-wife ran off and abandoned me and my little boy; I now need to have another surgery. No thanks.

Oh, it's 'minor', you all say.

I can't imagine why women who've had abortions or C-sections or vaginal births that have resulted in tears and episiotimies and surgery (or in my case, angioplasty) might be angry and bitter about men who are meant to be their loving partners but refuse to take responsibility for contraception.

Lostcat · 13/01/2025 18:56

MrPepInHisStep90 · 13/01/2025 18:52

Some of you Mumsnetters seem angry and bitter.

No snip for me. Why should he have it? There's got to be other options to look at.

What if the relationship breaks down? He will then need corrective surgery.

Let's say I wanted to have kids after my ex-wife ran off and abandoned me and my little boy; I now need to have another surgery. No thanks.

Oh, it's 'minor', you all say.

Why should he have it? There's got to be other options to look at.

You mean the other options that have consequences only for a woman’s body? Convenient being a man with all that male-entitlement and all, isn’t it?

What if the relationship breaks down…Let's say I wanted to have kids after

And there we have it.

QuaintSloth · 13/01/2025 18:56

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PureGypsyGold · 13/01/2025 18:57

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Wtf! You can't force someone to have surgery! Deadlines and coercion are abuse!

Fluufer · 13/01/2025 18:58

MrPepInHisStep90 · 13/01/2025 18:52

Some of you Mumsnetters seem angry and bitter.

No snip for me. Why should he have it? There's got to be other options to look at.

What if the relationship breaks down? He will then need corrective surgery.

Let's say I wanted to have kids after my ex-wife ran off and abandoned me and my little boy; I now need to have another surgery. No thanks.

Oh, it's 'minor', you all say.

A baby with every partner is not compulsory and it certainly wasn't your exs responsibility to facilitate.

BIossomtoes · 13/01/2025 18:59

What if the relationship breaks down? He will then need corrective surgery.

No he won’t. It’s not obligatory to have children with everyone you have a relationship with.

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 19:00

MrPepInHisStep90 · 13/01/2025 18:52

Some of you Mumsnetters seem angry and bitter.

No snip for me. Why should he have it? There's got to be other options to look at.

What if the relationship breaks down? He will then need corrective surgery.

Let's say I wanted to have kids after my ex-wife ran off and abandoned me and my little boy; I now need to have another surgery. No thanks.

Oh, it's 'minor', you all say.

What age are you talking about though? I could understand your point for somebody young, but this doesn't slide with a 40 odd year old man with 2/3 kids does it?! And what other options? Those thay affect the woman yet again?

Megifer · 13/01/2025 19:00

PureGypsyGold · 13/01/2025 18:57

Wtf! You can't force someone to have surgery! Deadlines and coercion are abuse!

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Pretty sure that poster is taking the piss!

Mirabai · 13/01/2025 19:01

PureGypsyGold · 13/01/2025 18:44

It's not please have my baby its let's have a baby. Wifes don't just work as brood mares for their husbands, they want to have their children, usually more than the husband does. So it's not remotely comparable to a wife asking a husband to have a vasectomy because a pregnancy is something she actively chooses to do because it benefits her and gives her the child she wants, the husband isn't benefitted at all by the vasectomy because there are other easier options.

Again, I don't see the problem with condoms they are 98% effective and people get pregnant on other types of birth control all the time but apparently she's been happy with the risk until now. When I didn't want to take contraception anymore I told my husband we had to use condoms because I wasn't doing it anymore. He said of course, no problem. End of. Simple.k

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No no no some men are absolutely - please have my baby - and see women as handmaidens slash brood mares,

It’s fine if you don’t have a problem with condoms. OP does so that’s that.

PureGypsyGold · 13/01/2025 19:02

batroyale · 13/01/2025 17:30

OP, it's not reasonable that he's refused to even consider it - this puts you in a position of having to risk pregnancy (18% failure rate for condoms with typical use), or not have sex again until you're no longer fertile.

That's unfair to you - you're either forced to take the risk (and deal with the possible consequences), or you're forced into choosing abstinence (which isn’t what either of you want) for god knows how long.

It'd be better if he was willing to discuss it with you - maybe not ideal, if you're at an impasse, but more reasonable.

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Why are people talking like condoms aren't safe? Condoms are a very reliable method of contraception. She's obviously fine with the risks of all the other contraceptives she's used, none of which are 100% so what's the problem with condoms?

MrPepInHisStep90 · 13/01/2025 19:02

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What the hell is a misogynist incel? I don't hate women at all.

It's one procedure I can live without.

PureGypsyGold · 13/01/2025 19:05

Mirabai · 13/01/2025 19:01

No no no some men are absolutely - please have my baby - and see women as handmaidens slash brood mares,

It’s fine if you don’t have a problem with condoms. OP does so that’s that.

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Some men, somewhere have asked the question please have my baby. That is not relevant to the OP and certainly isn't a bargaining chip for her to say please have a vasectomy unless her husband asked it of her, and she didn't actually want her children she just had them out of service. I highly doubt that's true.

It's fine the OP isn't ok with condoms. That doesn't give her any leverage to complain that her husband isn't ok with a vasectomy. There are other options, she doesn't like them, oh well, looks like neither of them like any of the options available to them, no sex it is then! She absolutely has no right to moan "my husband won't do something he doesn't want to do to appease me because I don't want to do something"

Lostcat · 13/01/2025 19:07

PureGypsyGold · 13/01/2025 19:02

Why are people talking like condoms aren't safe? Condoms are a very reliable method of contraception. She's obviously fine with the risks of all the other contraceptives she's used, none of which are 100% so what's the problem with condoms?

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Those were before she had children. Even if we take the “best case” statistic “98% effective” means she can expect that one in 50 shags is likely to result in an unwanted pregnancy. Given the serious consequences of that, I don’t blame her for not wanting to risk it and anyway that’s her prerogative.

QuaintSloth · 13/01/2025 19:10

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aperolspritzbasicbitch · 13/01/2025 19:11

Just thought this was worth a mention - when I went to have my coil removed the nurse asked if my partner was ok with that, asked if my partner was happy to use condoms as contraception.
My DP had a consultation about a vasectomy and wasn't asked about my views on it once. 🙃

Lostcat · 13/01/2025 19:11

aperolspritzbasicbitch · 13/01/2025 19:11

Just thought this was worth a mention - when I went to have my coil removed the nurse asked if my partner was ok with that, asked if my partner was happy to use condoms as contraception.
My DP had a consultation about a vasectomy and wasn't asked about my views on it once. 🙃

😱😱

PureGypsyGold · 13/01/2025 19:12

Lostcat · 13/01/2025 19:07

Those were before she had children. Even if we take the “best case” statistic “98% effective” means she can expect that one in 50 shags is likely to result in an unwanted pregnancy. Given the serious consequences of that, I don’t blame her for not wanting to risk it and anyway that’s her prerogative.

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Except that's not how statistics work.