Hubs won't get the snip!!

[241719robs]

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

If he doesn't want the snip he doesn't want to. His body his choice.

If OP therefore does not want to have sex with him due to risk of pregnancy that's her body her choice. You should never have sex you don't want because people on mumsnet are calling it 'control' and 'weaponising withholding sex'. It isn't, it's simple cause and effect.

I do think there is an element of not really understanding on their part though. Many see it someone objectively as 'I don't want someone snipping my balls' rather than in the wider environment of risks to their partner.

My DH was against vasectomy at 20 when we got together. No one going near it. But life happened. Supporting through pregnancies with HG, rough times in hospital, watching a very traumatic labour and EMCS where both of us could die. Men do go off sex after witnessing trauma such as a post-partum haemorrhage etc. After all that if you ask 'do you want to go back to condoms and risk all that again, including potentially losing me and bringing up our kids alone, or having a vasectomy?' Answer is vasectomy. Plus seeing his brother with the 4 kids, that probably also helped 🤣.

How on earth would a vasectomy “encourage men to cheat”??

I've not used one for years, they are faffy at first but once you get used to it it takes 10 seconds.

Just a suggestion for op. I didn't particularly want to push the vasectomy thing with DP because I am very vocal about people having a choice over their bodies so didn't want to be a hypocrit (well we're all hypocrits, I just didn't want to die on that particular hill when there are other options I was ok with!)

On the flip side i guess that suggestion can give op something op can think about and then have an argument against if he suggests a similar combo of non-hormonal/non risky methods for them, so a beneficial suggestion either way 😬

So I’m not sure why you accused that pp of man bashing? Your story is therefore simply a straightforward example of exactly the point she was making - if a man is refusing it’s because he’s wondering ‘what if’… the what if was there for you partner with his ex and not with you apparently 🤷🏼‍♀️

Refusing penetrative sex because you fear contraceptive failure is in no way "coercive", it's the only sane course of action.

110% agree. I struggle to think of those posters as being women who have been through anything, and wonder if they're men. To be honest, though, even a lot of women who haven't been through anything wouldn't spout out this nonsense. Decent men wouldn't either. I am disgusted at some comments. I think a lot of it is severe ignorance.
I'd rather be alone than with man who took no responsibility, and couldn't put his selfishness aside for the sake of the family, especially his wife/partner.

I wrote “up to 10%” Studies I’ve seen have shown rates of between 2% and 10%. Maybe it’s only 2%. Maybe it’s 10%. I don’t know. Do you?

This is not to minimise the effects on women of medical issues related to reproduction and childbirth. They are much more significant.

But, women who write about “the snip” as if it were totally innocuous and risk-free are also not conveying the complete facts.

Women do have more reversible contraception options compared to men, which also means that they suffer more different kinds of side effects. That is unfair, but also true. Women also can bear children, with a partner or without having a man around (via sperm donor). And they also bear all of the physical burdens of carrying a child and giving birth. That is also unfair, but also true.

Life is unfair. Many men choose to get vasectomies in order to avoid fathering more children. They should not be pressured into it through false information or social coercion. They should choose it, nor not choose it, with accurate awareness of the risks and the benefits.

I think that's just it though, a lot of men, women included don't have the facts for vasectomies; there is so much ignorance around the topic. There is a lot of scaremongering. I would encourage scared men to speak to other men who have had the procedure done (the modern way though, and not the 30 year ago kind).
Nobody wants an operation/procedure, but there comes a point where you need to grow up and take responsibility if you're not wanting anymore children. Women have done it for years, and had to take on all of the risks and side effects which are a lot higher; no comparison.

Similar position here - he's having it; but he'd rather not.
I just said I'm done, and it's his turn to take the reins now.
I'm 38, I want my body to do what it wants to do without additional hormones, and I don't want a piece of copper floating around in my uterus anymore.
I don't want any more children, and I think what changed his mind was me saying I would 100%, without a backwards glance, get an abortion should an accidental conception happen.
Currently on a waiting list, so using condoms for the time being and it's honestly awful. Not a fan at all, and I'd forgotten quite how much I hate using them.

obsessedwithfreshbread · Today 09:41
But what if he wants a second family with a woman that doesn't use sex as a bargaining tool?

Good grief!!!!! How about he takes care of the family he already has, including his wife who doesn't want to put her body through any more strain? Bargaining tool my foot - the only tool is the 'D'H!

Sure there are risks to medical procedures, that's what I'm saying. My point isn't that it's a relatively dangerous operation, it's that nobody has the right to pressure someone else into surgery, which always has risks. And yes DH was unlucky but not hugely so, about 4 in 100 vasectomies result in infection, about 1 in 100 a serious infection. It is possible and does happen, and so even this 'minor' surgery (like all surgery) should be entered into with the full consent of the patient.

I don't understand why people, OP included, keep going on about the risks of condoms. Condoms are 98% effective. Yes there's user error issues but responsible adults should be able to use a condom.

I got pregnant with an IUD and have lots of friends who got pregnant on the pill. Condoms are way safer so I don't see the issue.

In my opinion the comment was man bashing, we have different views that's fine. He had the choice with me and his ex. I would never have forced or expected him to have the V in any circumstance for what ever reason.

Women do have more reversible contraception options compared to men

Oh and why do you think this is exactly? An act of the gods I suppose?

I do think OP is within her right to refuse sex - but obviously the marriage is not going to last if she refuses sex for the rest of her fertile years, her DH refuses 'the snip' and neither can compromise on other forms of contraception. Ultimately, it becomes a 'do I want to die on this hill?' for the couple, and it is up to them to find the compromise that suits them, or break up.

In my opinion the comment was man bashing, we have different views that's fine

She said a man who refuses a vasectomy is wondering “what if”, a claim your personal story supports. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Lol same reason "chronic pain" for men is "temporary discomfort" for women.

The problem is that to date he has steadfastly refused to take on any of the burden so the compromise has been all on the part of the OP. Now she is saying 'your turn' and he is not willing. Stalemate

I haven't RFT, but am I right in thinking OP wants contraception that isn't hormonal? And neither of them want to be sterilised? If so;

• Non penetrative sex
• Condoms
• Femidoms
• Withdrawal plus abstinence around ovulation plus spermicidal lube (actually very effective - look it up)
• Coil

Literally loads of options. No stress on anyone's body. No bitter, unkind, unhealthy expectations.

I asked my husband to consider it but I left it that. After about three years he did get it done..just booked it and said I'm having the snip next week. He had to take his own time to look into it and speak to others, it turned out many of the men he worked with and who we knew had the procedure and that re-assured him

You seem more concerned with tiny risks of vasectomy procedures than you are about anything women's bodies and mental health have been through for the sake of having a family. If men aren't willing to take any responsibility than they cannot expect sex. It is of course the man's choice, but he'll have to live with the implications of condoms without complaint, or trying to coerce partner into taking hormones if not. Op said she isn't comfortable with the risk of condoms and that is her choice. She shouldn't be pressured into what she feels is not adequately protected sex.

Nope.

Of course a split condom is user error!

Same with medical interactions. I was on the pill for 27 years all in. On the few occasions I had to take medication, I would ALWAYS check with the doctor/pharmacist if the meds would negatively interact with The Pill before taking them. As a rule, I wouldn't even drink orange juice at the same time as taking my pill (because of how it balances oestrogen in the body).

I stopped taking The Pill so we switched to condoms, which my DH knows how to use correctly. Because he's not an idiot.

If you're going to keep doubling down on this nonsense, you'll have to back it up 😂

Those aren't actually options for a lot of women, it isn't so easy for everyone.