Page 19 | Hubs won't get the snip!!

241719robs · 2025-01-13T09:20:46+00:00

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'. We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at. Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

SwingTheMonkey · 13/01/2025 14:07

zerogrey · 13/01/2025 14:05

So have I.

You can still get pregnant with IVF if you have your tubes tied and your uterus is intact, so no, it's not sterilisation.

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Is a vasectomy not male sterilisation because a man can get a woman pregnant through a vasectomy reversal?!

You’re completely wrong.

RudalDweller · 13/01/2025 14:07

I've not RTTF but you're definitely BU using the word Hubs in your title!

Fluufer · 13/01/2025 14:07

YankeeDad · 13/01/2025 14:01

Have you seen the other thread by the woman whose partner had a vasectomy, and then the recovery took 4 months and was painful, and now he has no sex drive and she feels unattractive and has told him she wants to end their relationship?

Vasectomy is a “minor” procedure but there is irreversible chronic testicular pain in up to 10% of patients.

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There is not irreversible chronic pain in 10% of patients. That is an outright lie.

Megifer · 13/01/2025 14:07

Is the cap or diaphragm still a thing? Cap/condom/cycle tracking together would surely be pretty sperm water tight?

Op could you suggest that? Or would you agree if he did his research and suggested that?

Supperlite · 13/01/2025 14:08

Fargo79 · 13/01/2025 13:35

Essentially OP, he is feeling confident that he can refuse to get the vasectomy and you will continue to have sex with him and meet all his needs, whilst continuing to take all the responsibility and shoulder all the risks associated with that set up. If he's correct about this then unfortunately you have zero currency and that's that.

Personally if my husband took this stance, I'd accept it as pretty stark evidence of the way he viewed me and our marriage. He's been happy to put your body through the mill for years and for you to take on significant risks to your health that were potentially lifelong. He is now not prepared to take a much smaller risk to eliminate your ongoing risks from birth control, unwanted pregnancy, further childbirths etc. I'm not sure I'd want to be in a relationship with someone who thought so little of me after I'd done so much for them for so many years.

This!! Exactly this. His body, his choice - but his choices impact YOUR body on a much greater scale. The choices available are not comparable (one is dramatically easier and safer than the other), and it certainly isn’t equal partnership to refuse to engage with this and take an iota of responsibility.

Tootiredmummyof3 · 13/01/2025 14:09

My DH refused for years. Then I got pregnant with DS which was a horrendous pregnancy and I ended up with blood clots on my lungs afterwards.
Doctor warned me another pregnancy could kill me and DH got the snip soon after. But I wouldn't advise that as a way to get what you want.
It's his body and he doesn't want it. You can't make him. Of course you can say you don't feel comfortable having sex with him due to pregnancy risk. Or tell him he's responsible for contraception from now on.

Fluufer · 13/01/2025 14:09

Megifer · 13/01/2025 14:07

Is the cap or diaphragm still a thing? Cap/condom/cycle tracking together would surely be pretty sperm water tight?

Op could you suggest that? Or would you agree if he did his research and suggested that?

Diaphragms are not routinely used because they are not very effective. 85% or something with perfect use.

EightChalk · 13/01/2025 14:11

Ugh, I hate the ridiculous squeamishness around this from some men. Childbearing and the entire reproductive system are grossly biologically unfair when it comes to the experiences of the two sexes, and it's amazing that we have the medical technology to be able to even up the risk in this one small way. But oh no, they're scared to have a minor procedure "there", even though the soreness after having it done isn't that much worse than what women have to go through every month from puberty (not to mention the horrors of childbirth). If a woman has carried your children, with everything that entails, why would you not put aside your fear and do this ONE thing that means she can stop having to risk pregnancy, take hormones, bear all the bodily consequences of being in a sexual relationship? Even worse when it's because of some notion of losing "virility" instead of fear. "His body, his choice" doesn't mean his choices aren't up for criticism when he's married and presumably wants to continue having sex within a happy, healthy relationship.

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 14:11

Megifer · 13/01/2025 14:07

Is the cap or diaphragm still a thing? Cap/condom/cycle tracking together would surely be pretty sperm water tight?

Op could you suggest that? Or would you agree if he did his research and suggested that?

I am sick of posters parroting coils etc for women to go through yet more invasion than they have already endured. Women have been through enough invasion, leave their bodies alone.

Megifer · 13/01/2025 14:11

Fluufer · 13/01/2025 14:09

Diaphragms are not routinely used because they are not very effective. 85% or something with perfect use.

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But with condom and cycle tracking that would be very effective. Fwiw I wouldn't use a diaphragm on its own.

devilspawn · 13/01/2025 14:11

I only know of one guy who had a vasectomy and he tried to use it as a selling point with me to say he could safely cheat on his wife of 30 years because he couldn't get me pregnant. Obviously my vagina sealed shut after that point so I can't say whether it was a good thing or not.

AwfullyWeeBillyBigchin · 13/01/2025 14:12

Jumpingthruhoops · 13/01/2025 11:36

Why else would contraception fail, if not user error? All methods do exactly what they're designed to do if used correctly.

EG The Pill: Most people know, if you have D&V, you should use condoms/abstain for seven days afterwards as there is a risk of pregnancy due to 'lack of absorption'. However, many women will totally disregard this advice... then 'wonder' why they fall pregnant.

Any effectiveness %s given will be based on scenarios like this.

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A split condom could only be user error? What if you need medication that can interfere with hormone-based contraception but you were unaware?

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 14:13

devilspawn · 13/01/2025 14:11

I only know of one guy who had a vasectomy and he tried to use it as a selling point with me to say he could safely cheat on his wife of 30 years because he couldn't get me pregnant. Obviously my vagina sealed shut after that point so I can't say whether it was a good thing or not.

Edited

Completely off topic...

devilspawn · 13/01/2025 14:14

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 14:13

Completely off topic...

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It encourages men who are so inclined to cheat, does that help you?

Lostcat · 13/01/2025 14:14

EightChalk · 13/01/2025 14:11

Ugh, I hate the ridiculous squeamishness around this from some men. Childbearing and the entire reproductive system are grossly biologically unfair when it comes to the experiences of the two sexes, and it's amazing that we have the medical technology to be able to even up the risk in this one small way. But oh no, they're scared to have a minor procedure "there", even though the soreness after having it done isn't that much worse than what women have to go through every month from puberty (not to mention the horrors of childbirth). If a woman has carried your children, with everything that entails, why would you not put aside your fear and do this ONE thing that means she can stop having to risk pregnancy, take hormones, bear all the bodily consequences of being in a sexual relationship? Even worse when it's because of some notion of losing "virility" instead of fear. "His body, his choice" doesn't mean his choices aren't up for criticism when he's married and presumably wants to continue having sex within a happy, healthy relationship.

Honestly I’m not even sure it’s really about squeamishness. I think for many men it is tied to constructions of masculinity, but also I think underlying those is a thought in their heads that their existing baby mama may not be the last woman for them, and not wanting to reduce their appeal to the next woman they might fancy shacking up with…

Megifer · 13/01/2025 14:14

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 14:11

I am sick of posters parroting coils etc for women to go through yet more invasion than they have already endured. Women have been through enough invasion, leave their bodies alone.

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I've not mentioned coil

No need to be shirty, just suggesting things that aren't just condoms on their own and aren't hormones etc.

Tanyaaah · 13/01/2025 14:14

My boyfriend got the snip, completely his choice, after we got together even though I'm on the coil and we are almost too old to have kids anyway. This is a superior man to my ex who refused after I had bore a few of his children and he had seen the aftermath and also the effects of contraception on me!

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 14:17

useitorlose · 13/01/2025 13:46

I had female sterilisation 20 years ago in my 30s. Out of hospital same day, back at work next day, although admittedly a day off would have been a better idea but I didn't get paid.

It's really straightforward. I've had three pregnancies, a miscarriage, ERPC, two blood transfusions and had my cervix torn during a forceps delivery resulting in a haemorrhage. Its my fertility though and I'm in charge. Don't moan about him, get yourself booked in. It gave me 15 years of not using contraception before menopause, absolutely worth a bit of discomfort.

Either this is a troll, or you have a useless husband who you should have kicked to the curb years ago. I highly suspect this is fabrication, but if not your husband is despicable

Supperlite · 13/01/2025 14:18

YankeeDad · 13/01/2025 14:01

Have you seen the other thread by the woman whose partner had a vasectomy, and then the recovery took 4 months and was painful, and now he has no sex drive and she feels unattractive and has told him she wants to end their relationship?

Vasectomy is a “minor” procedure but there is irreversible chronic testicular pain in up to 10% of patients.

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https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5503923/

PVPS is in 1-2% patients and pain lasting over 3 months is classed as PVPS. So it isn’t automatically “chronic” or lifelong.

I won’t list the truly CHRONIC symptoms many of us are experiencing thanks to birthing our children…!

Post-vasectomy pain syndrome: diagnosis, management and treatment options - PMC

Vasectomy is the most effective form of sterilization for men. With approximately 500,000 vasectomies performed each year in the United States, 1–2% of these patients will experience chronic testicular pain for greater than three months after the ...

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5503923

Paganpentacle · 13/01/2025 14:18

RosesAndHellebores · 13/01/2025 10:11

If neither of you want another child and he doesn't want a vasectomy and you don't want to use other forms of contraception, then you could be sterilised and he needs to suppprt that. It will be cheaper than an unwanted baby.

Out of interest, how old are you? We didn't finish our family until I was nearly 40 and peri started at 43 and was done by 49. There was barely enough time left to bother. As an aside, hormonal contraception delivers fewer risk than a post 40 pregnancy.

So she has to have invasive surgery under general anaesthetic because he wont have a minor procedure under local?
Yep. Seems only fair.

Fluufer · 13/01/2025 14:18

Megifer · 13/01/2025 14:11

But with condom and cycle tracking that would be very effective. Fwiw I wouldn't use a diaphragm on its own.

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Maybe, but I don't want to be faffing with a diaphragm. Doesn't sound like much fun to me. I'd probably rather do without sex.

RafaFan · 13/01/2025 14:19

A vasectomy may be a minor surgical procedure, but it can have quite significant psychological impacts for the man. These in turn can affect the relationship. Unfortunately nobody knows how having the procedure will affect them until after it's been done. It is absolutely his choice. Don't "force" him to have one by giving him an ultimatum as some others have suggested, as you may well be blamed further down the line. Similarly, it's absolutely your choice not to take hormonal contraception any more and he should respect that. That leaves condoms, or no sex.

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 14:20

RafaFan · 13/01/2025 14:19

A vasectomy may be a minor surgical procedure, but it can have quite significant psychological impacts for the man. These in turn can affect the relationship. Unfortunately nobody knows how having the procedure will affect them until after it's been done. It is absolutely his choice. Don't "force" him to have one by giving him an ultimatum as some others have suggested, as you may well be blamed further down the line. Similarly, it's absolutely your choice not to take hormonal contraception any more and he should respect that. That leaves condoms, or no sex.

Op isn't comfortable with the risks of condoms, so it leaves no sex. Her dh isn't entertaining a discussion on vasectomies.

Fluufer · 13/01/2025 14:22

RafaFan · 13/01/2025 14:19

A vasectomy may be a minor surgical procedure, but it can have quite significant psychological impacts for the man. These in turn can affect the relationship. Unfortunately nobody knows how having the procedure will affect them until after it's been done. It is absolutely his choice. Don't "force" him to have one by giving him an ultimatum as some others have suggested, as you may well be blamed further down the line. Similarly, it's absolutely your choice not to take hormonal contraception any more and he should respect that. That leaves condoms, or no sex.

Potential psychological impact is a good reason to go and get some therapy, not to opt out of a vasectomy.

muggletops · 13/01/2025 14:23

Fluufer · 13/01/2025 14:05

So did he have it for you then? If not, why not?

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Yes he did have the V when we had our DS and he was 49 and we both decided together that we didn't want any more children.