Hubs won't get the snip!!

[241719robs]

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

Oh dear God. Firstly it is not a minor op at all. Secondly is there ANY point in the marriage where the onus is on him? You are suggesting the course of action is she takes hormones. She carries babies. She gives birth. She has an invasive operation.

Is he even in this relationship?

Lol, ladies I hope you are reading this.

My 39 year old husband got the snip after our child (his only and my second) as we knew we couldn't afford nor want a third. He did it for me, as he cares for me and knew it was his turn to step up.

Any man refusing to have the snip is because a part of him is thinking...what if.

Of course they do (or at least should!) I meant the ultimatum/childish part.

@dynabook

His body his choice. If he doesn't want to face a medical procedure then he doesn't have to. If you equally don't want contraception that's fine. You're both not in the wrong.
Yes yes Einstein. Most of us know this. That's not the point though. What is the solution?
Abstinence?

I had female sterilisation 20 years ago in my 30s. Out of hospital same day, back at work next day, although admittedly a day off would have been a better idea but I didn't get paid.

It's really straightforward. I've had three pregnancies, a miscarriage, ERPC, two blood transfusions and had my cervix torn during a forceps delivery resulting in a haemorrhage. Its my fertility though and I'm in charge. Don't moan about him, get yourself booked in. It gave me 15 years of not using contraception before menopause, absolutely worth a bit of discomfort.

Exactly this, and this is what I was saying in my post at 11.59, and it's true. Despite the disgusting and vile comments - from a small minority of posters, saying that basically if women CHOOSE to have sex with a man, and CHOOSE to be pregnant, then it's their own fucking fault if they have a bad time with the pregnancy, the childbirth, the contraception, post natal depression, and birth injuries. BECAUSE THEY CHOSE IT!

Some posters on this thread are an utter disgrace. I can't believe that people like this walk our streets and we pass them and think they're decent people!

There are some putrid posts on this thread (from several people.) I'm ignoring them now tbh. Can't be arsed to make conversation with people with such vile and repugnant attitudes, and such disgusting contempt for women.. Especially towards women who have children!

And frankly, if a man and a woman have children, and they both decide to have no more, and he refuses to get a vasectomy, he doesn't deserve her (the mother of his children) to stay with him, let alone be able to have sex with her again. Selfish arseholes.

!

Are you honestly comparing hysterectomy with vasectomy?

Do you know what a hysterectomy is? Ahhh perhaps you're a man. That would explain your profound ignorance.

I think it's shocking that so many are advocating trying to railroad a person into sterilising themselves 😶

He doesn't need any reason, other than the fact that he doesn't want one. It's up to you both as a couple, to find something you can both live with, as presumably both of you would like to have sex again with each other, before you're done with the menopause. That's what loving, supportive people people do. It's not some sort of war to be won. How would you feel OP, if he reluctantly had it, then regretted it, or was in pain, for example?

Aside from that, a person should only consider sterilisation, if they are absolutely sure they don't want any more children no matter what. Even if the circumstances changed. We're not planning any more, but if we came into some money, we might have another. God forbid, if my DP go hit by a bus tomorrow, I might meet someone new in five years, who did want one. I don't know how I'd feel if that happened. To say "you and your husband together are finished having children", isn't the full picture.

Also only necessary if they are treated like, or accepted to behave as, a manchild on an ongoing basis and grown up conversations throughout the years have not been thrashed out.

LTR, marriage and 2 kids the manchild phase should have been well passed and a conversation about something as basic as contraception possible!

(or he should have been passed over as serious partner material years ago!)

Vasectomies are such minor procedures they are often done at GP's surgeries. Definitely not the case for female sterilization!

What the hell is wrong with people? One, for the people having a go at you, and two, for your husband being a nob about you getting your tubes tied.

This didn't work with my husband, we are now expecting baby no 4

@241719robs

As others have said, you can't make him. His body, his choice. I get that you don't want to have 'another' invasive procedure. But ask yourself this: which do you fear more; a 'quick' keyhole surgery & short recovery (yes, I've had my tubes tied) or another pregnancy with its potential complications, another childbirth with it's potential complications, and another child to raise.

My DH also wouldn't get the snip. His reasons were, frankly, stupid. I could have stood on principle and refused to have my tubes tied but I decided in the end I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. I didn't want more children and I was tired of 'scares' every few months.

It was a simple procedure done in day surgery under GA, I was home by noon. I have no visible scars. Recovery was smooth and pretty painless. Although I will admit I dragged out what would honestly have been maybe a 3 day recovery on the sofa to a week in bed with the cooperation of my lovely doctor.

All this was 30 years ago and I haven't regretted it for a second. And I expect the medical procedure has even improved and is easier than back then. Again, do what you feel is right for you. Just don't let frustration with him get in the way of deciding exactly what that is.

When I had my coil put in my blood pressure dtopped right down and my sister had to come rescue me from the Dr's as I was too weak to drive home

It's not "withholding sex". It's refusing to take the chance of becoming pregnant. If OP does not have the right to insist her husband has a vasectomy, he does not have the right to insist she risks pregnancy.

It’s mad to say that you are coercive or controlling or manipulating by choosing to abstain from sex. It would be controlling/coercive/manipulative to FORCE him to have sex with you. But opting out of unsafe sex sounds really straightforward and sensible.

This argument is a classic example of women being expected to do and be everything at all times for the betterment of others and detriment to themselves. A woman choosing to abstain if DH doesn’t have a vasectomy or purchase and use a condom isn’t withholding sex - He can have sex with her if he takes responsibility for contraception. Something she has been doing herself for years!

The hypocrisy men get away with even in this day and age is astounding. And the women who perpetuate this casual misogyny are part of the problem.

My ex didn’t want to divorce his first wife she did and she was having an affair while she was asking him to have the snip. Always the man bashing on here. It’s a personal choice and his instincts were right not to have it for her.

Have you seen the other thread by the woman whose partner had a vasectomy, and then the recovery took 4 months and was painful, and now he has no sex drive and she feels unattractive and has told him she wants to end their relationship?

Vasectomy is a “minor” procedure but there is irreversible chronic testicular pain in up to 10% of patients.

one. It's up to you both as a couple, to find something you can both live with, as presumably both of you would like to have sex again with each other, before you're done with the menopause

So what’s that then?
Yet more stress / side effects on OP’s body presumably?

Every form of birth control has an error rate and someone who already has multiple children and physical damage from birth should not be expected to rely on such measures. A woman's body is not a mere "cum dumpster" for a man who doesn't care how it affects her. If a woman cannot tolerate another pregnancy, then abstinence is a reasonable solution, even if it is long-term abstinence. Framing her choice to protect her body as a form of coercive control OF HIM is highly tendentious.

And have you seen the complications related to giving birth? Or of taking the pill and other hormonal forms of contraception? Boo fucking hoo won’t somebody pity the poor men

Both partners are responsible for family planning in a relationship. If you’ve done your shift it’s only fair to ask your partner to take a turn. If they don’t want a vasectomy that’s fair enough but the OP should not be expected to pump herself full of synthetic hormones any longer.

options are

1. snip
2. condoms
3. abstinence

He can take his pick OP.

So did he have it for you then? If not, why not?

So have I.

You can still get pregnant with IVF if you have your tubes tied and your uterus is intact, so no, it's not sterilisation.

🤣 they're so predictable 🙄

Completely agree. It is astounding how people think men are entitled to sex, without taking any responsibility for birth control. I hate the way some male medical staff treat women as well, but that is another thread.