Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Hubs won't get the snip!!

1000 replies

241719robs · 13/01/2025 09:20

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
NewFriendlyLadybird · 13/01/2025 13:04

241719robs · 13/01/2025 09:20

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

Considering the post trending just above yours is about someone who wants to end the relationship due to the negative impact of a vasectomy on her partner’s sex drive, I’m not sure it’s as simple as all that.

PromiseNotToCall · 13/01/2025 13:04

I am genuinely surprised at the comments in this thread. I can only imagine the responses if it were a man requesting his partner to have her reproductive organs removed. I am sure many would say he's being abusive.

Fluufer · 13/01/2025 13:05

PromiseNotToCall · 13/01/2025 13:04

I am genuinely surprised at the comments in this thread. I can only imagine the responses if it were a man requesting his partner to have her reproductive organs removed. I am sure many would say he's being abusive.

Lol. Maybe go and read a vasectomy actually is before you come back. No organs are removed.

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 13:05

Nightmarewithdelirium · 13/01/2025 12:56

I had the copper coil and it was horrific. By far the worst contraception I've ever used. It turned inside of me and pierced me internally and was horribly painful to remove. Awful having it inserted too.. and after it had turned it was painful to have sex for a year!
Never again. Would not recommend it to anyone.

"The copper IUD is hormone-free, but it still has the potential for side effects. Common Paragard side effects include longer or heavier periods, cramping, and back pain. More serious side effects — like IUD movement, infection, and ectopic pregnancy — can also occur.5 May 2023"

Yet more risks women are supposed to put up, and shut up about.

Alondra · 13/01/2025 13:05

zerogrey · 13/01/2025 13:04

Hahahaha

People trying to compare a hysterectomy with a vasectomy are off the charts fucking insane. Not even CLOSE to being the same level of medical trauma and recovery. Morons. 🤣

Edited

It's unbelievable. And they are saying they are women.

HotCrossBunplease · 13/01/2025 13:07

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2025 09:30

What’s with the threat of withholding sex as a way of getting someone to do something to their body that they don't want to do? “get the snip and I’ll let you shag me” isn't the persuasive argument people seem to think it is. In fact, it could be seen as coercive and controlling behaviour!

No it’s not. It’s saying that you don’t want to get pregnant and the only way you are happy controlling that risk is to avoid sex.

Heidi2018 · 13/01/2025 13:07

Choccyscofffy · 13/01/2025 12:59

She’s stating her boundary. Why is she not allowed to say that? She’s not telling him he HAS to have a vasectomy. Just that she won’t have sex with him until he does.

How is he supposed to know under what condition his wife will have sex with him if she doesn’t communicate it?

Edited

This is a fair point, I hadn't considered it like that.

Ladamesansmerci · 13/01/2025 13:07

All the men defenders in this thread, lol. It's fine for a woman to take hormones for decades, but a man can't go and get a simple procedure because it threatens their fragile masculinity? Please. Men just don't want to take responsibility for birth control. And the moment condoms are suggested, most men will say they don't like sex with a condom. Well tough shit 🤷

Men just don't want to take responsibility for contraception, and are more than happy for women to shoulder all the risks. It's selfish. It is your body your choice, but if you're middle aged, done with kids, and in a long-term relationship, there are very few good reasons to be refusing the snip.

changecandles · 13/01/2025 13:08

PromiseNotToCall · 13/01/2025 13:04

I am genuinely surprised at the comments in this thread. I can only imagine the responses if it were a man requesting his partner to have her reproductive organs removed. I am sure many would say he's being abusive.

The OP is saying it's his turn to take responsibility. She has Bournemouth children and taken hormonal contraceptives for years cafe is over with that. It's his turn to take responsibility.

Options:
condoms are not safe enough
Hormonal contraceptives -she has done for years and is no longer willing to do this to her body
Sterilisation - far bigger a procedure than a vasectomy and why should she when she has already put her body through so much?

Abstinence. That's all that's left. What are there other forms of contraceptives you are suggesting?

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 13:08

Alondra · 13/01/2025 13:05

It's unbelievable. And they are saying they are women.

They're either women who haven't been through anything, women brainwashed by their partners without the real facts, or men. Saying that, even a 20 year old girl came on and understood!

zerogrey · 13/01/2025 13:09

SerafinasGoose · 13/01/2025 13:03

I don't think it's necessary to go that far. Just make it clear that the onus is now entirely on him to sort out contraception. If women are capable of doing this then so are men. Only then, if he refuses to do so, is the more extreme measure of abstinence necessary.

And frankly if a man went off with someone else as a result of this entirely reasonable expectation, he's not worth keeping.

Edited

LOLNO

No snip no sex.

PromiseNotToCall · 13/01/2025 13:10

No vaginal sex is fair in this instance, as long as both are happy to 'explore' alternatives.

SwingTheMonkey · 13/01/2025 13:12

PromiseNotToCall · 13/01/2025 13:04

I am genuinely surprised at the comments in this thread. I can only imagine the responses if it were a man requesting his partner to have her reproductive organs removed. I am sure many would say he's being abusive.

Lol, that’s silly. Neither a female nor male sterilisation requires any removal of reproductive organs 🤣

Wheresthebeach · 13/01/2025 13:14

Alondra · 13/01/2025 13:05

It's unbelievable. And they are saying they are women.

Completely nuts. A vasectomy is minor surgery and solves all the issues. Utterly selfish to refuse, and very 'reproductive issues are for the woman to sort, me a cave man and get to have no responsibility'. Jesus. When will things change?

Alondra · 13/01/2025 13:15

Heidi2018 · 13/01/2025 13:07

This is a fair point, I hadn't considered it like that.

Some of you need to read the original post again before placing your own interpretation on the thread.

Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Jumpingthruhoops · 13/01/2025 13:16

SabreIsMyFave · 13/01/2025 11:59

Anyone saying that women 'choose' the discomfort of pregnancy and the pain of childbirth - and the stress (and sometimes discomfort) of trying to prevent pregnancy, is a victim blaming numpty

For a couple to have children, the woman has to:

Get pregnant. (Sometimes very stressful in itself for those who struggle to conceive.)

Go through 9 months of uncomfortable and sometimes miserable pregnancy (mood swings and morning sickness, and having to go to multiple scans, and have multiple blood tests, and multiple fingers up her vagina!)

Go through life threatening childbirth or c-section.

Risk having childbirth injuries.

Have her body affected/sometimes pretty much wrecked from the pregnancy and birth.

Have her career affected (most of the time.)

Suffer post natal depression (some of the time.)

Then she has to carry on taking the contraception, be that the pill, an implant, or the coil. To prevent further pregnancies.

Yes, women choose to have a child, (as a MAN does (with her.)

She does NOT choose to have to go through all of the above. ^ She HAS to go through it/suffer it, if she wants a child, and wants to stop any subsequent pregnancies later.

A man has to do NOTHING. Absolutely NOTHING. He does not have to worry about getting pregnant, or having to endure an uncomfortable pregnancy and the pain of childbirth. OR have his career affected, OR suffer birth injuries, or post natal depression So yeah, these men can get the fucking snip! Or no sex. THEIR choice!

@Jumpingthruhoops

By your way of thinking, and attitude, if a woman has severe birth injuries, and/or severe post natal depression, is that her own fault? because she CHOSE to have a baby?!

Your posts (and the few posters saying similar) are ignorant at best, and disgustingly victim-blaming at worst.

Shame on you!

I think you're projecting. I was merely referring to the 'woman has to do it to give HIM children' comment, highlighting that, presumably, the woman also wants said children. So it IS a choice the woman makes.

For me personally, I didn't want to be pregnant and risk all of the complications you cite, so I CHOSE not to have children.

Scentedjasmin · 13/01/2025 13:17

I'm with your husband over this. I think that it's his body and his choice and shouldn't be under any pressure. It's also your body and up to you whether you end up taking contraceptives. Personally we just ise condoms. They are very effective and there is the back up of the morning after pill should things ever go wrong. So I would insist upon him using one. If he doesn't like it, then he has the choice of abstinence or vasectomy, but those would be his choices. You can only control what you do with your body and not his.

Themaghag · 13/01/2025 13:17

PromiseNotToCall · 13/01/2025 13:04

I am genuinely surprised at the comments in this thread. I can only imagine the responses if it were a man requesting his partner to have her reproductive organs removed. I am sure many would say he's being abusive.

You are being ridiculous! Vasectomy is NOT having your sexual organs removed! It's having a minor procedure, which in most cases can be reversed if circumstances change. Time for you to educate yourself properly.

WitchesCauldron · 13/01/2025 13:17

2chocolateoranges · 13/01/2025 09:28

His body, his choice .

Also his choice to be in a relationship which involves compromise and responsibility. About time he stepped up with his part of the bargain.

dynabook · 13/01/2025 13:20

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2025 09:30

What’s with the threat of withholding sex as a way of getting someone to do something to their body that they don't want to do? “get the snip and I’ll let you shag me” isn't the persuasive argument people seem to think it is. In fact, it could be seen as coercive and controlling behaviour!

I know right! Imagine a bloke came on here and said about his girlfriend 'I won't shag her until she gets on the pill.'

Jeeeez.

His body his choice. If he doesn't want to face a medical procedure then he doesn't have to. If you equally don't want contraception that's fine. You're both not in the wrong.

SleeplikeababyTonight · 13/01/2025 13:21

dynabook · 13/01/2025 13:20

I know right! Imagine a bloke came on here and said about his girlfriend 'I won't shag her until she gets on the pill.'

Jeeeez.

His body his choice. If he doesn't want to face a medical procedure then he doesn't have to. If you equally don't want contraception that's fine. You're both not in the wrong.

When did men have the risk of unwanted pregnancy affecting THEIR body, or abortion, again affecting THEIR body and mental wellbeing? It isn't in the same ballpark.

Megifer · 13/01/2025 13:23

changecandles · 13/01/2025 13:08

The OP is saying it's his turn to take responsibility. She has Bournemouth children and taken hormonal contraceptives for years cafe is over with that. It's his turn to take responsibility.

Options:
condoms are not safe enough
Hormonal contraceptives -she has done for years and is no longer willing to do this to her body
Sterilisation - far bigger a procedure than a vasectomy and why should she when she has already put her body through so much?

Abstinence. That's all that's left. What are there other forms of contraceptives you are suggesting?

Don't want to answer for that poster but we do condoms, cycle/date tracking AND pull out. Which tbf when I mentioned that to my GP when I had to go for perimenopause symptoms and she asked about contraception she said that combo would be about as effective as we can get.

Just got to keep an extra eye on the cycle tracking as it can go a bit wonky with the peri stuff so tbh i insist on just a week window in a cycle but that seems about average anyway for how long we've been together/how knackered we always are 🤣

MrsSlocombesCat · 13/01/2025 13:24

Soontobe60 · 13/01/2025 09:30

What’s with the threat of withholding sex as a way of getting someone to do something to their body that they don't want to do? “get the snip and I’ll let you shag me” isn't the persuasive argument people seem to think it is. In fact, it could be seen as coercive and controlling behaviour!

It's not coercive or controlling. It's saying this is my body and I don't want yours near it if there's a risk of pregnancy. Relationships should be equal and if he wants to have sex he needs to make sure she won't get pregnant. It's called taking responsibility.

Julieju1 · 13/01/2025 13:24

How about being sterilised yourself. Quite a minor op. Worth considering

ethelredonagoodday · 13/01/2025 13:25

Devilsmommy · 13/01/2025 09:23

Tell him you won't be having sex until he's done it. Bet he runs to get it done then 😂 I don't understand how some men don't see how such a simple thing for them is better than invasive surgery for the woman who's also already had her body invaded in every which way. Selfish if you ask me

This is exactly what I did. He soon got himself booked in... 🙄🤣

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is not accepting new messages.