Hubs won't get the snip!!

[241719robs]

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

Would be a moot point for me as I couldn't fancy sex with someone who was unwilling to take equal responsibility for family planning , or someone who had happily watched me give birth to our DC yet couldn't face a 20 minute procedure in a GP's surgery.

Or - 'I will never be pregnant again. How can you help with that?'

I've said twice it is perfect for her to say "I don't want to have sex". How does that mean I'm saying she can't say no? She has every right to say no. She has no right to say "I'm not having sex with you until you get this procedure done". He has to make that decision himself!

Then he can pop off and find her.

@241719robs The relationship will suffer regardless. You’ve been through the wringer and he’s wanting to have his cake and eat it and stuff the impact on you.

Just because someone has it hard, does not make it right to force a medical procedure on someone...

Agreed. Let him take full responsibility now. It's his body, his choice: likewise it's your body and your choice.

First and foremost it’s his body and his choice , there are no conditions to that. Second, vasectomy isn’t risk free, I’ve treated PVPS patients with diamorphine ( Heroin ). And finally, female sterilisation isn’t really that intrusive. It’s keyhole surgery and I had mine under local anaesthetic. But it’s a personal choice I guess and I enjoy sex.

Just as nobody is entitled to sex, nobody is obligated to stay in a relationship. The woman may on balance decide it is worth the risk of him leaving.
As reliable as you may think barrier methods are, other women are not obligated to agree with that risk assessment. It absolutely is reasonable to refuse other contraceptives, or insist upon abstinence. Women should never be required to compromise our sexual boundaries so that men don't have budge theirs.

Do people really not discuss this before getting into serious relationships? Surely it's part of the "Do you want children, what are your views on abortion, and what would your likely preference be if an accidental pregnancy were to happen?" discussion!?
I know my partner will never consider vasectomy, not because he's scared of the procedure but because he doesn't like the thought of making himself sterile. He wouldn't actively try to have a baby beyond the age of 35, and is happy with his one child from a previous relationship. He's okay with abortion, and if an accidental prgnancy occured hes 100% on board with me making the final decision and would fully support either choice, wouldn't end the relationship either way.
He hates condoms and will not use them, (as do i) he's happy trusting pulling out, which has always worked for him prior to our relationship. (His child was planned)
I went in to the relationship knowing that any form of contraception would always be on me, (i am not happy to trust pull out) and i had the option to walk away if i wasn't willing to always be the one carrying that burden of preventing pregnancy.

Presumably you wanted the children that you have too? You haven't sacrificed your body just for his benefit, you wanted to be a parent and the woman is unfortunately the only one who can get pregnant and give birth. Yes it's hard on your body, causes damage and changes it forever, but you did it willingly. It's unfair to then lay blame on the male partner for not getting surgery they don't want, why is your want to not take or have a form of contraception acceptable, but his choice to not have the sterilisation operation isn't?
Vasectomy may be "easier" than female sterilisation, but you are the one who is certain you want no more children, so it's up to you to make sure you cannot get pregnant, either by your husband, or any other male.

It does if they're demanding unprotected sex, without having a proper grown up discussion. Saying no to sex trumps having an unwanted pregnancy. They have reached stalemate, and while it is unprotected they can't have sex. It doesn't sound like the dh has entertained a fully informed conversation on the matter?

Get the garden shears out and hint that you might consider DIY. That might chivvy him along.

Minimally painful

Mine wouldn't.. well he said "maybe one day"
Then I fell pregnant with a whoops 3rd baby.
I had the baby.
Now he has had it done!!
And he found it completely painless.

Unfortunately you don't get a say in what medical treatment he has on his own body.
But he is being an idiot. It's such a simple procedure. If he's already got multiple kids and doesn't want any more.. it's the obvious thing to do instead of putting you thru loads of hormonal birth control with the possibility of accidents that mean you have to have an abortion or birth a baby.

Maybe get another man whose had it done to talk to him about it? My DH chatted to a friend about it and the friend got it done off the back of that.

I don't think requesting this from him is fair.

Condoms? Maybe ... another 'kind' of sex?

After number 2 my BIL said he was done with having kids, which I understand upset my SIL as she would have liked another but respected his decision. Was quite a shock to everyone when number 3 was announced just months later. Said we were surprised as said they were done, SIL shrugged and said she recommended he get a vasectomy if he was done but he didn't. He did eventually get one while she was pregnant with number 4. Apparently the prospect of 4 kids under 6 was the push needed.

I can only presume no condoms were used and SIL is the most fertile person on the planet. My DH and I used condoms for about 5 years with no pregnancy so they do work when used properly!

I know someone who can't use contraception because she had an oestrogen driven cancer.

At the appointment for a vasectomy, the husband tried to chicken out. The nurse turned on him.

"Your wife has given birth to your children. She has had a double mastectomy so that she can live to bring up the children. The very least that you can do is to have a wee snip so that your wife's body doesn't have to endure any more."

He went through with it...but it took an outsider to make him see how selfish he was being.

Thanks. We used the NHS choices to choose the person doing the op so you can improve your risks that way.

Disagree that my body my choice is only being applied to females though. No one sensible argues that.

When you have a life partner your joys and woes are mutually shared and cared about (normally). So the best decision for a joint activity which can create joint lifelong consequence (a child to rear) is a joint decision balancing all the factors that matter to/affect both people. And sometimes the compromise falls more on one person (as it has so far fallen on op) and at other times the compromise will fall more on the other person.

Don't people understand give and take? If you don't have that you are just two individuals in a stand off situation. 🤷🏾

Why yes. Tell him to use his hand.

In my opinion, he's being a b&st&rd.
But that's just the opinion of a 20 year old "girl"!

I've read your responses OP, but not everyone else's. I suspect I'm not wrong when I say that it's time to stop having sex until he gets his knob fixed.

The fact that contraception STILL seems to fall on the shoulders of women to sort out, is fucking ridiculous. If you're worried about the relationship dwindling then that's all on him for refusing to take responsibility.

Seriously. No sexual intimacy until he's gone at done it. It doesn't take long and he will be home and whining about his bollocks being sore in no time.

This shows what absolute ignorant aholes some men are. Words fail me...
I'm waiting for some idiot to come along with "his body, his choice" at this.

And can I just say.. people should know this!! Condoms are not 100% effective even if you use them correctly and they don't break. There's still up to a 2% chance you will fall pregnant. Which is actually quite a lot.
I've fallen pregnant whilst using condoms correctly twice!! And once I took the MAP which did not work AT ALL. Despite taking only a few hours after the sex.
It really depends on your fertility which can change throughout your life and with different partners.
So don't sit there thinking it's a substitute for a vasectomy because it's not at all!! A vasectomy is a lot safer for preventing pregnancy!! (As long as you actually follow the advice and don't have unprotected sex before your check up to check its working!!) There's a very slim chance the tubes can grow back together but it's rare and usually caught in the check up if that's happened... altho in extremely rare cases it's randomly grown back after that time frame. A lot more safe than condoms tho.

My husband had a vasectomy a month ago and is currently battling an ongoing deeply unpleasent infection at the incision site and severe pain. He's not been able to work since the op (manual job) and is currently miserable. So yes, a straightforward procedure but complicatiosn can and do happen - certainly not something anyone should be coerced into.

Sorry but if I was a man there's no chance that I'd elect to do something that basically renders me infertile. The truth is that if there is a messy divorce the female is far more likely to have the power when it comes to custody of the children. Also what if tragedy strikes and mum dies? Or worse one or all of the children die?

I don't think it's about who takes responsibility. The reality is that there is a multitude of contraceptive options for women which are about as effective as male or female sterilisation and are 100% reversible. Unfortunately there aren't the same options for men. Yes these options may not be agreeable for some women. Maybe I'm being unreasonable as I haven't had any bad reactions to hormonal birth control but I think even if I did I'd suck it up rather than asking my partner to effectively end his fertility or we'd agree to take the risk with condoms accepting that there's a chance of failure.