Hubs won't get the snip!!

[241719robs]

Am I being unreasonable that my hubby wont even consider getting the snip? He just replies with 'maybe one day'.

We have children already and I am 99% DONE. My body has been through enough and mentally Im burnt out. After contraception for years, pregnancy, birth, and breastfeeding I dont want to go back on contraception or risk condoms etc. I know vasectomies are not 100% but better than me having to go through invasive procedures again. Im also late for my period and after 2 negative pregnancy tests Ive explained how unfair it is for me to be worrying about this every month. He basically ignored me as he knew what I was getting at.

Am I being a b*tch? Hes not had to go through anything physically and its not like I’m asking him to chop his bits off 🥲

Woman refuses hormones/coil/injections that have caused a whole host of side effects, she has taken for years to take responsibility for her condom refuser partner. Woman doesn't want an invasive sterilisation, which is a lot worse than a vasectomy, especially when her body has been through enough to begin with. Woman has been through pregnancy, childbirth, body changes, sometimes long term damage, and trauma, and expected to looks after a baby at the end of it from the get go.

Man has been through nothing to help take joint responsibility for birth control for years.
Man refuses condoms
Man refuses vasectomy.

Woman rightly says no to sex. What is the option here than? If the man wants sex, is it fair to say no to doing a thing to prevent pregnancy, throughout all of those years, and still refusing? Her body her choice, has taken responsibility. His body, his choice, refusing to take responsibility.

I actually believe we live in a country that very much puts men first.

Well I'd say to him, absolutely fine your body your choice. However be aware that I choose not to take hormonal contraception so that means a couple of things

• you need to be using condoms as we don't want another baby
• as condoms are not 100pc reliable, I'm also going to suggest we avoid sex at fertile period at ovulation time

Either way you need to take responsibility for our main contraception which is condoms and we cannot have sex if we don't have them.

My husband had the snip 20+ years ago. It took an hour for the procedure, strong painkillers and being told to take it easy the rest of the day.

He was back at work the following day. And this was more than 20 years ago.

Vasectomies are the easiest, quickest and 100% form of contraception (as long as you follow instructions

They are also reversible in most cases. There is no reason why a husband will not have the snip when their wife had enough of subjecting her body to medication for years.

This is 2025 and men can research vasectomies on the net or make an appointment with their GP. Leaving their wife to continue with the responsibility against a pregnancy while still wanting sex, is fucking abuse.

Sex with someone else’s body is not a right. There is no such thing as “withholding” sex because there was no entitlement to it in the first place.

It’s laughable that you think choosing not to have sex is “coercive control”.

I think there's a distinct difference between "I don't want to have sex as I'm afraid of getting pregnant" and "I'm not having sex with you until you get a vasectomy". One is a woman protecting herself, her body, her choices, the other is a woman blackmailing her husband.

If you don’t want to make a baby, there are a few options:

• Abstaining
• surgical sterilisation
• Hormonal contraception
• barrier contraception

OP is ruling out hormonal contraception, as is her right, and doesn’t want to undertake the risks associated with surgical sterilisation.

If she is unhappy with the residual pregnancy risk associated with barrier contraception, then the only option left within her control is abstaining.

Sex requires consent from two people. She’s only willing to consent where pregnancy risk is reduced to acceptably low levels. Her DH can meet her there or he can live with her abstaining.

Is your position that OP should bring unwanted children into the world and jeopardise her own health just so her husband can have sex, when he’s not willing to undergo a short procedure to ensure he can have sex where the OP feels comfortable?

Refusing to risk sex with a fertile man is a choice a woman can make. It is not blackmail to exercise bodily autonomy.

My Dad and Dbro both had complications after a vasectomy. I never knew for years what was 'wrong' with Dad (just knew of lots of hosp appointments and him being in pain, same with DB) until I'd told Mum I was a tiny bit pissed off that DP wouldn't consider a vasectomy.

I think yabvu but my view is my body my choice when it comes to abortion, so that has to apply to others with their bodies.

For a few years we've used a combo of condoms, a cycle tracker and him, umm, pulling out 😬 not ideal but those 3 methods in combo will be pretty safe. Is that something you'd consider?

It is not blackmail to say "I don't want to do this"... It is blackmailing to say "I'm not doing this until you do this first"...

If my husband hadn’t been willing to have a simple procedure to prevent pregnancy when I’d carried and given birth to our children and taken responsibility for contraception in the intervening years, it would have changed my opinion of him as a person.

No, that’s not blackmailing. He can choose to say no. You’re effectively saying OP can’t say no.

Which is still not blackmail. It is a personal boundary.

Are condoms really a risk? It's the only form of contraception I've ever used, and as long as you use them correctly every time, they're like 99% effective? Not sure what the issue is with this.

You're comparing abortion to a vasectomy? Jesus, no words.

Your dad had it done years ago I presume; it was a completely different procedure. I'm not sure what happened your brother, or how dehabilatating his issues are. Pulling out method is reckless and something teenagers are taught not to do. Cycle tracking is also risky giving the length of time sperm lives, how much a lot of men want sex. Again, no words. If you're happy to take those huge risks than that is your choice.

And choosing to no longer be with a woman who withdraws from having sex is a very valid choice that most men would make under those circumstances.

(And as a woman if my DH said have an unwanted operation or a sexless marriage - I'd be leaving too.)

It's not reasonable to expect someone to stay in a relationship where the only choices on the table are an unwanted operation or no sex.

Barrier methods used correctly are very reliable, and can be used in conjunction with fertility planning and other things such as caps etc.

Contraception is a joint responsibility, they should both be researching the full range of non invasive, non hormonal option available. It's not reasonable to refuse every single form of contraception apart from someone else having an operation they don't want or abstinence.

The OP is done with kids, contraception and condoms because she doesn't trust them. She has every right to say no to sex if her husband can't engage with her in discussing what's the best for them as a couple and their family.

Why should the OP be sterilised, if her husband won't? Surely his arguments against it (if indeed he has any, other than "I don't want to!") are equally valid for her? I really despair when I hear how unreasonable men are about this. Back in the 70s and 80s vasectomy seemed to be much more popular - in fact, most of the men in the couples I knew automatically went for the snip after their second child had been born and the few who didn't, always had it done after the third (usually accidental!) pregnancy occurred. Personally, I'd have so little respect for a partner who refused to do it when our family was complete, that my vagina would automatically self-seal, never to reopen again in his presence!

I empathise, I really do. However, this and there are lots of other reputable sources suggest that it increases the risk of prostate cancer at +10% and potentially increases the risk of aggressive prostate cancer even higher.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31119294/
https://ascopubs.org/doi/10.1200/JCO.2013.54.8446

Granted there are similar risks with the contraceptive pill but since I've been on that for 30+ years I think the die is cast there.

Can you go and get a coil fitted? There is a non hormonal choice they are safe and very effective and last 10 years.

Your relationship will dwindle from resentment at having to take on the full responsibility of birth control despite the very negative effect it has on your body.

You're perfectly within your rights to refuse to take contraceptives, as he has for refusing a vasectomy.

I personally would be very pissed off with him, given you've had 3 kids and the devastation that wreaks on your body. Time for him to step up imo

The issue is a lot of men refuse to use them, or take responsibility for expiry dates, or complain about them; they then put pressure on their partners to pump their bodies full of hormones yet again.

Why should she?

I'm comparing the principle of my body/my choice.

Dad was years ago tbf. Bro quite recently. I didn't want to know specifics but I know it's pretty rough.

We use condoms, cycle tracker AND pull out. Combo. I even said we use those 3 in combo.

F* that. Why should she have to go through yet another invasive procedure, take on yet more risk, when her partner hasn't done one thing?

'The copper IUD is hormone-free, but it still has the potential for side effects. Common Paragard side effects include longer or heavier periods, cramping, and back pain. More serious side effects — like IUD movement, infection, and ectopic pregnancy — can also occur.5 May 2023'

Well, sure, but if OP's husband is willing to use them (which it sounds like he is), and you buy a new packet and make sure they're within date...I don't see the issue or why it's so complicated.