To wish that people wouldn’t comment on size?

[Whoopydodah]

I work in a hybrid role that is more remote than in the office, and I’m anti social in general so tend to speak to friends via message but only meet sporadically in person.

So I’m prepared to accept this is a me problem as it’s so prevalent.

But over the past few days I’ve had the pleasure of being in the office and socialising in person. It has varied whether it’s been a couple of weeks, a month, couple of months and in one case 6 months since I’ve seen these people.

You’ve lost weight, you look so slim, you look so good.

Except I have the awkward exchange of um no the scales say the same, I’m in the same size clothes, thanks.

But what I’m thinking is you’ve got me bigger in your memory than I am and so I appear slimmer in person, and your comment does not make me feel good about myself.

For reference I’m average, I’m 5’6, 70kg, 24.9 bmi mid 40s - so technically not overweight but carry a few pounds that I could do with losing, but not fussed enough to actually do anything about it.

AIBU to think commenting on someone’s weight is rude? Why has it become a thing that casual acquaintances, colleagues, as well as friends and family all feel it is an acceptable conversation?

You just need to say "thanks" none of the stuff about your clothes size etc. they are trying to pay you a compliment. Quickest way is to say thanks and move on.

You can't win. Yesterday was a thread with people being upset nobody commented on their weight loss, today you shouldnt comment. Imo if it's not said in some barbed way I don't see the issue 🤷

I agree with you, but there have been several threads recently from people saying "why has no one commented on my weight loss??" so it's obviously something some people feel isn't only ok, but actively desirable.

The issue is, OP hasn't lost weight.

You also shouldn't just walk up to someone and say "well done on losing weight" because they might not have done it intentionally.

I've lost a significant amount of weight and my colleagues have been amazing, asking subtly and politely if I meant to lose it. When I say yes, they then go into "oh my goodness well done!!" mode, which is nice. But if I hadn't intended to lose it, it would be quite awkward.

It obviously depends on your relationship with your coworkers, but I wouldn't be commenting on it with anyone I know unless I felt like I knew them well enough.

It's a very divisive issue.

People continue to comment because they think it's a positive to lose weight and a compliment to say you've lost weight..they want to flatter you or acknowledge your efforts.

I've had people say it to me because they think I lack confidence and needed a boost 😂 I'm not shy or lacking in confidence I'm just an introvert who didn't like her place of work.

I don't care that they thought I was fatter it just feels slimy to me to compliment my weight. If i had lost weight I feel they're greasing me up and if I hadn't I feel like they're scrutinising my body. But some people will literally take these comments with a huge ear to ear smiles all eccstatic.

I agree, probably best not to comment on people's appearance at all - I've been on here long enough to realise that even a compliment can be misinterpreted!

I do think its odd that people telling you that you 'look so good' and 'look so slim' makes you feel not good about yourself though.

One thing that occurs to me is have you been on teams calls with these people while WFH? I make more effort with hair, make up and clothes when I go into the office. If you're the same it could explain why they see a difference in you

Surely the best thing to say is…. “You look great!” Then it’s open to interpretation and everybody feels
pleased 🤣

Just don't say 'you look well' !!! That is also open to interps 😂

I agree op. I had a few people say that to me at one point when I hadn’t actually lost weight. And all I could think was that the last time they saw me they must have been thinking I was looking a bit overweight. Or they must think of me as the sort of person who struggles with keeping my weight down. I thought I looked fine both before and after and really didn’t need anyone commenting. I makes me feel weird to think people are assessing my figure. I know some people maybe want complements when they lose a lot of weight but that’s maybe when it is more obvious- maybe they knew the person was trying to lose weight and has lost a stone or two so it’s a significant reduction.

if people do say this to me , it is just best to say thank you and move in quickly. Hurts my feelings though

The teams/online video comment may actually explain it - hadn’t clocked that. Don’t they say the camera adds pounds?! And yes I put more effort in when leaving the house - actually getting fully dressed for starters is the bonus those who see me in person get.

Re comment of just saying thanks - that’s what I do, but I then get what have you been doing, you dieting, gym, etc

And that’s when I then have the what I feel is awkward part um nothing, but you must be doing something

And then I overshare with the scales say otherwise, clothes are the same size etc

Dont get me wrong I understand small talk compliments, lovely to see you you’re looking good, you too, thanks move on.

Its the weight specific

But I hadn’t seen the thread that people are upset that comments are not being made so maybe I am the minority.

I get that a lot. People always saying I've lost weight, when actually my weight is very stable. I've always realised that in their minds they see me as a bigger person, then they see me and realise I'm not that big!
But it's ok. I don't worry about it. It is what it is.
My in-laws are Indian and always spend the first five minutes of every meeting analysing everyone's weight and whether they've gained or lost weight. I've developed a thick skin over the years!

I was always taught never to make personal comments. It's rude and can cause distress. I think you're right to be upset, OP.

Just say “thank you” and move on.

Re comment of just saying thanks - that’s what I do, but I then get what have you been doing, you dieting, gym, etc

Maybe smile and say: 'You know what, several people have said this (or I look slimmer in person) - it's the camera pounds!' Or 'don't they say the camera adds 10lb, we all look slimmer in person!' (And then everyone will feel better lol) Or 'yeah I've been told I look different in person but I haven't actually lost any. I think it's just the webcam' Big smile and change the subject or ask them something. Breaking eye contact also sends a signal (to most people) that this conversation is over but keep a slight smile on your face so you don't seem annoyed.

It’s very weird seeing someone in real life when you are used to them on teams. This person that you speak to every day is suddenly in front of you and is a foot taller and a different shape to how they look sitting down.I usually get, ‘you are shorter than you look online’.

Of course they shouldn’t mention it but some people lack basic manners and say what they see.

Is it offensive? Not really. Are they meaning to be offensive? Nope. Think there’s a bit of a habit nowadays critically analysing everything everyone says when they contain certain “trigger words”

Also that cliche that the camera adds pounds - perhaps we appear bigger in teams meetings so if they haven’t seen you in works for a while you look artificially slimmer?

The thing is, weight is an incredibly sensitive topic.

People can be offensive without realising it

I try to say "you look lovely!" rather than comment on weight if I think someone looks thinner. It's hard though, as a society we are ingrained to praise weight loss/thinness.

I remember when I was working in a shop, a semi regular customer came in, said she saw me at the gym, and commented how I had lost so much weight recently. Also decided to comment how I "got a bit pudgy last year" and she asked how I turned it around.

Brightly told her that last year I had been in treatment for anorexia, so the hospital were making me gain weight to an amount healthy for me, but now I had relapsed after being released from treatment so was losing the weight again.

The look on her bloody face.

No fucks given for making her feel bad. This was when I had already accepted that people liked my anorexia, mainly due to the negative comments and treatment I got when I was going through weight restoration. I know they didn't know about my eating disorder or recovery, but that just makes it more truthful from them... Society prefers you starving and skinny even if it's not healthiest for you, no one actually cares about health . And we now have further evidence with the weight loss jabs.

People comment on weight because to them, it's the most important thing about us. As lovely as my therapists have been, they're all wrong.

It hasn't become a thing, it has always been a thing

It's not wise to comment on weight/size unless the person has told you they have been trying to lose weight. We tend to assume slimmer=healthier but a sustained loss of weight can be associated with serious illness and this might not be something the person wants to talk about.

In the OP's case - video calls are terrible for making people look bigger than they are - partly because you have little idea of someone's height so you don't see them in perspective - so it's probably to do with this, but should not have been said.

It is an acceptable topic to discuss, as it rightly should be.

If you have issues with your weight that’s your own problem to deal with and people shouldn’t tiptoe around you.

But why?

Fat people know we're fat. We don't need to be told by everyone at work that we're fat.

I get you OP.
Very recently a friend asked me what my secret was. When I said 'eh?' she asked how I'd lost 'all that weight'.
I've been the same weight and dress size for about 20 years (140lbs and size 12).
It bothered me that she had always perceived me as being much bigger.