To wish that people wouldn’t comment on size?

[Whoopydodah]

I work in a hybrid role that is more remote than in the office, and I’m anti social in general so tend to speak to friends via message but only meet sporadically in person.

So I’m prepared to accept this is a me problem as it’s so prevalent.

But over the past few days I’ve had the pleasure of being in the office and socialising in person. It has varied whether it’s been a couple of weeks, a month, couple of months and in one case 6 months since I’ve seen these people.

You’ve lost weight, you look so slim, you look so good.

Except I have the awkward exchange of um no the scales say the same, I’m in the same size clothes, thanks.

But what I’m thinking is you’ve got me bigger in your memory than I am and so I appear slimmer in person, and your comment does not make me feel good about myself.

For reference I’m average, I’m 5’6, 70kg, 24.9 bmi mid 40s - so technically not overweight but carry a few pounds that I could do with losing, but not fussed enough to actually do anything about it.

AIBU to think commenting on someone’s weight is rude? Why has it become a thing that casual acquaintances, colleagues, as well as friends and family all feel it is an acceptable conversation?

People can't win either way. I have a couple of friends who have done amazingly on their weight loss journey and when I commented on how great they both look, they told me I was the first person to notice that they had both lost at least 4 stone each, and that upset them. There's no chance nobody else had noticed the weight loss, but people are too afraid to say anything.

If someone pays you a compliment and says you look good, you can just say "thank you". There is absolutely no need to tell them they are wrong. And no need for you to overthink what it means.

I see this friend several times a week, so if my face has got thinner, it would be a gradual thing, surely?
Regardless...

I'm with you, OP, the only people commenting on weight should be hcp. Parent of a recovering anorexic here. Sorry to everyone who thinks external validation of their weight loss efforts is more important, but you get many many positive effects to outweigh this, I should think.

YANBU. My view is don’t comment on people’s bodies unless asked! I know people mean well but commenting on people’s bodies is like asking about children etc - you don’t do it because you don’t know other people’s struggles.

I had a binge eating disorder when I was younger and I really don’t want to discuss my weight with anyone unless I initiate the conversation. A comment from someone, even meant as a compliment, can have a very negative impact on me.

Really annoys me. I've lost quite a bit of weight but I'm still 11 stone and at 5'1 I'm still in the very overweight/obese category and look it. Whenever I go to the hairdressers my very gobby stylist loudly tells me how skinny I am now.

Can't begin to imagine what the other clients think when he says this. Dick

On the school run, a Mum did a double take when she saw me and said "Sorry, Crazycat, I didn't recognise you!". I replied something like "It's cool. I've gained 20kg and dyed my hair pink."
Both were true, but apparently this was not the anticipated answer, as she looked flustered, side-stepped towards another parent and hasn't spoken to me since!

The video call thing is interesting. I have a thin quite haggard face, a colleague I only see on teams told me I reminded him of someone on tv , she had a full face. Now parking why you’d say that to someone you don’t really know I couldn’t understand how he thought that.

I HATE it. It seems that 'you look thinner' is a compliment and 'you look fatter' is not.

In a world where some people are desperately trying to keep their weight up and others desperately trying to keep it down I think it's better not to comment!

If you constantly have to face it you won’t be able to bury your head in the sand about it anymore and then you might finally address it.

Just take a complimentary with good grace. I'd be delighted and even if I wasn't, I'm far too busy to give it headspace.

How is it a compliment?

Ah, so now we're getting to what your problem is. Plain old fatphobia. You sound like a delight.

How is it not? But take it as one, smile, say thanks and move on.

I guess if not a compliment "ooh are you OK, you look awfully thin" or "gosh, you've been putting away the pies", "what happened to your skin, it used to be smooth".

Too many people trying to be perpetually offended. It's life. It's small talk. People need to get on with it.

It is not a compliment for someone to make judgement-laden remarks upon their physical size, certainly when it is both incorrect and reveals the giver's bias. It is fucking rude and infuriating. It makes the commenter look utterly thick and unthinking.

Why should women be expected to jump up and down like happy little girls because someone's pointed out there's less of them now?

And would you expect someone to 'take a compliment with good grace' if their weight loss was due to cancer? A bereavement? A breakup? MH issues?

I'd rather be overweight than a complete dick.

It's small talk. You're reading far too much into it. I've twice had people phone DH to express concern about my weight. Now that I do find offensive Do they think I don't have a mirror?

Can only praise you for being honest. More people need to. I have also suffered with eating disorders for years. My highest weight and peak physical size was actually when I was twelve and lived abroad, at which point I went through puberty very quickly and suddenly then abruptly stopped and went into reverse. At my lowest, which I don't want to specify but I bore a marked resemblance to the skinned greyhound cadavers we were dissecting on my uni course, someone who knew me at the age of twelve ran into me (she was studying on her own year abroad, coincidentally). She immediately went into raptures about how great I looked and how much weight I'd lost. I didn't know what I looked like at the time but now, even though I still have body dysmorphia, pictures of me at that weight are pretty shocking and disgusting. And I knew her when I was TWELVE, at a weight that was comfortably in the healthy BMI range. More recently I was admitted to hospital, one of a series of admissions after an accident. I am starting to get to know the staff and two of them recognised me on separate occasions. It was a few months and a good few kilos since I'd last seen them. The first thing both said was about my weight, both said I looked well and one said authoritatively that I had gained weight and the other that I had lost. They didn't ask, they just told me. These are medical professionals.

Sorry this is so specific. I feel pretty despairing about society in this specific context. I really hope you're doing at least bearably OK.

Amazing how some on this thread can’t even compute that commenting that someone is smaller than they used to be wouldn’t be universally welcomed and taken as a compliment.

I have lost weight and I’m happy about it and I STILL don’t like other people pointing it out unasked. Just keep unsolicited opinions on other people’s bodies to yourself. If they’re not close enough to have already told you about their diet or about their illness or whatever then it’s none of your business to comment.

I kept getting people saying you look so good, you've lost so much weight well done etc. I didn't want to tell everyone I had cancer which I was still coming to terms with. Just think there may be unwanted reasons why someone has lost weight. I've also had people say have you lost weight, you look thinner when I haven't at all.

Gosh you’ll make a word up for everything 🙄

I really don’t care if you’re fat. It’s only your body you’re fucking up, not mine 🤷‍♀️

I do care if you want everyone else to tiptoe around you and pretend you aren’t fat, though.

Make a word up 😂😂😂

See attached... have you been going around with your head up your (impeccably taut and trim, I presume) arse these past few years?

You're entertaining, I'll give you that.

Oh dear. I said “you” as a general “you”, not a specific you 🤦‍♀️

What? That's not what I was addressing. You're becoming illogical as well as tedious.

It is exactly what you were addressing.