To wish that people wouldn’t comment on size?

[Whoopydodah]

I work in a hybrid role that is more remote than in the office, and I’m anti social in general so tend to speak to friends via message but only meet sporadically in person.

So I’m prepared to accept this is a me problem as it’s so prevalent.

But over the past few days I’ve had the pleasure of being in the office and socialising in person. It has varied whether it’s been a couple of weeks, a month, couple of months and in one case 6 months since I’ve seen these people.

You’ve lost weight, you look so slim, you look so good.

Except I have the awkward exchange of um no the scales say the same, I’m in the same size clothes, thanks.

But what I’m thinking is you’ve got me bigger in your memory than I am and so I appear slimmer in person, and your comment does not make me feel good about myself.

For reference I’m average, I’m 5’6, 70kg, 24.9 bmi mid 40s - so technically not overweight but carry a few pounds that I could do with losing, but not fussed enough to actually do anything about it.

AIBU to think commenting on someone’s weight is rude? Why has it become a thing that casual acquaintances, colleagues, as well as friends and family all feel it is an acceptable conversation?

Yes it’s rude to make personal comments but they are at least on the side of ‘flattering’. Just say ‘thanks’ and think no more of it.

I was tall for my age as a child and loads of people got it into their heads that I was ‘big’, even though I never was.

Even now, people insist I’ve lost weight when I’m still the same, not overweight, size I’ve always been. I think it’s because I’ve got a sort of roundish face and curly hair. And a bust.

No point in overthinking it.

They didn't sat she was fat, they said she'd lost weight. A big difference.

I agree with you OP. I had this with my MIL and SIL all Christmas. As soon as I saw them they said I’ve lost weight and look great. I told them I hadn’t lost any weight, still the same as normal (bmi around 22 and always have been).

But they wouldn’t drop it, the next day it was all “go on, tell me your secret, what have you done to lose weight”…

They wouldn’t let it drop. It made me feel quite insecure by the end of the few days.

I hate this too. Rooms full of people and the work clown walks in and says at full volume “you’ve lost weight mate!”

Means well, but I don’t want 20 pairs of eyes looking me up and down deciding if I have.

also, when it’s the other way and you’ve put on 5kg and it’s noticeable in the face, you know they’re thinking it.

It’s so rude I wish people would just leave it in their heads.

As usual, the first post nails it.

You are overthinking this. Just say thanks and move on.

I feel exactly the same OP.

I did lose some weight (about 2 stone), about 5 years ago.

I live a fair distance away from my family, but I've seen them a fair bit since then - certainly enough that it should be well established by now that I am slimmer than I was 5 years ago, and not be such a big thing.

But still every time I visit, I get 'you look so slim!' 'you've lost weight' 'how much have you lost?' etc etc.

It was so long ago now and it drives me mad.

I just say thanks but I haven't lost any.

Why has it become a thing that casual acquaintances, colleagues, as well as friends and family all feel it is an acceptable conversation?

It was always a thing for people to mention weight loss as a sort of compliment (usually). It's a newer thing to find it rude or offensive.

They aren't saying you are fat. That's the main thing. They are complimenting you. Yes, they're saying you look better than on Teams etc.

(As an aside, I personally hate Teams video meetings. Like, properly detest. I find it violating. There is zero real need to look at someone.)

I think you need to put this in perspective and be glad that you are pretty much an ideal weight and size.

I once had a colleague ask if I meant to loose that much weight or was I ill! 😳 it was related to a health issue, all i could do was walk away in silence.

It will be the camera on Teams. The angle of cameras, plus certain lighting, can be unflattering. My work craptop laptop gives me an extra chin unless I put it on a few books to make it higher.

I recently went in to visit colleagues shortly after having a baby and was immediately met with comments on my weight loss from HR of all people in earshot of the whole office. I felt so uncomfortable like everyone was looking me up and down. People should just learn to say nothing unless it's brought up by the person themselves.

I hate it because I have a mirror and can see for myself how much I weigh, I don't need a stranger chipping in. I don't like the underlying assumption that it's always better to be thinner. I have relatives who comment that I've lost weight every time I lose a bit. Just means that when I see them and they say nothing I know they're judging my weight gain. I don't understand why it's acceptable to comment on a woman's weight ever, the only time I compliment a friend on their weight loss is if they've told me they're actively trying to lose weight. Then I complement the same as any other achievement that someone has worked for.

Why does anyone need to comment on someone’s weight, though? Aside from being personal it’s really not even necessary.

Just say thank you’ . It seems to me that the comments are coming from a friendly place as they are just people trying to strike up a conversation by giving you, what they consider, to be a compliment. I’d let it go.

No I get that, but neither are 85% of the conversations we have with each other I guess. Pointless conversations are the start of connecting with one another

No need to comment on weight etc. But mostly the 'you're looking well' type comments are just polite small talk

Totally agree OP. I do realise people are usually trying to be nice when they comment on someone's weight loss, but it's a minefield as there's always a chance the weight loss is due to illness, grief or something else a person might not want to talk about.

But not only that - there's something patronising about expecting women to jump for joy because someone's noticed they're taking up less space on the planet than they used to. And I typed 'women' because people hardly ever do this to men IME. It's part of the whole assumption that all women are obsessed with slimming.

Don't get me wrong, I'm losing weight myself at the moment, and if someone compliments me I will thank them and not make them feel awkward for doing so, because I'm not a rude person, and also because I recognise they're trying to make me feel good. But I do think commenting on a person's weight is dicey for all sorts of reasons.

Why should it be? It’s a personal topic, and many people do have issues with their weight. Why not simply not mention someone’s weight instead of saying it’s their problem if it upsets them?

I'm sure this is it!

All the women I reunited with over Christmas said I'd lost weight. I haven't - I'm always the same size. I worked hard at losing an eating disorder, I'm not about to jeopardise that by caring whether I look fatter or thinner.

The thing is, I KNOW they care about looking thinner and that's why they comment! I know it and should have said "No, but you're looking slim!"

I didn't. For all my not-caring, I replied as OP did ... because the truth is I'm as interested in my own weight stability as they are in slimming. Damn.

It seems to be some peope go to greeting. "Hi, Have you lostweight?" whilst looking you up and down. I have had the same from my PIL for nigh on 20 years. I finally cracked it and told DH if they say that one more time then drinks may be thrown. They've stopped now.

Absolutely this.

YANBU. It's objectification and othering.

You only need to read the replies here to see that people haven't read the OP properly because they're obsessed with the topic of weightloss.

A general message to anyone who voted that these sorts of comments are fine:

Please stop doing this everyone. Not all weight loss is intentional or wanted. Just because YOU would want to lose weight it doesn't mean everyone feels the same way. For many people it can be a sign of the worst times in their life, and nobody needs congratulating for the side effects of bereavement, cancer, chronic stress or mental illness (the list goes on).

"Oh you've stopped eating because you feel like killing yourself and don't see the point in living anymore? Great work, you look so much better than you did before. Your old body was visually displeasing to me so now you can have some good girl points for conforming to my personal standards of beauty."

Fuck all the way off with that nonsense.

What is or isn't 'acceptable' to discuss is a subjective matter. And a lot of us would rather people didn't comment on other people's bodies. Nothing to do with tiptoeing.