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AIBU?

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Original poster

WWYD with the soon to be future MIL issue

176 replies

Mrstobe83 · 13/01/2025 01:09

Hi all,

Just a bit of background info. I’m (f) 41 and my DP (51), We have been together just over 8 years and been engaged just over a year.

We are getting married this Sept and as we both have been married before, we were just planning to have a very small intimate wedding. Just a ceremony at the registry office then a sit down meal .We picked the restaurant near to DP’s Mum house as we take into consideration that she’s getting old (83) and doesn’t fancy travel far.

We went to visit her after the restaurant to confirm date & time with them. My DP told her the plan for the day, and the first thing she said was She won’t go the Ceremony. She couldn’t be bother as it only 10 mins long anyway. However she is happy to go down the restaurant for food and drink ( and she loves her sparkling). She then turned to me and she said she hope that I m not going to be silly spending money on a wedding dress that I m only going to wear one as We both have been married before, she said buy a pair of jeans or something ( who in the world would buy a pair of jeans to wear at their wedding)

She then go on and said Marriage is only a piece of paper anyway. At this point, I was nearly in tears and tried to hold myself back. I politely told her, that marriage means something else to me. Just because we both have been married before. It doesn’t mean we don’t take it serious second time.

I told my DP that his Mum has really upset me and our relationship/marriage. He agreed that she has crossed the line and he backed me all the way. He has then decided to uninvited his whole family ( 10 of them) as he no longer wants them there for our big day.

While I am upset and hurt by what his Mum said, and I felt bless that he backed me and care about my feeling.However, I don’t want to be the reason he has fallen out with his family. I told him, I will be ok in a few days and I can be a bigger person and pretend she never said such thing but my DP still having none of it and is adamant that he doesn’t want his family there. His reason was, if they couldn’t be bothered going to the ceremony then why should he pays for their food and drink.

What would you do if you were me? Did I over react or did she cross the line?

OP posts:
Plopandflop · 13/01/2025 01:13

Sounds like your soon to be DH might have a back story with them. Maybe they ruining big events and after this comment he does not want to take the risk.
he is close to them OP before this happened

McGregor33 · 13/01/2025 01:14

He has a fair point, they want to miss the ceremony and then get fed and watered? 😂 I’d uninvite those chancers as well!

Plopandflop · 13/01/2025 01:15

Just seen you have been together 8 years. Had this sort of thing happened before. It seems a bit of an overreaction after just one comment (even though it was nasty). Most people would have told her to pipe down, apologise and keep her nose out I should think

Fraaances · 13/01/2025 01:16

I’d ask him why he’s uninviting everyone else. Surely that’s a massive over-reaction. Wouldn’t it piss her off more to hear about it from the rest of her family who DID go? (She sounds vile, btw.)

Plopandflop · 13/01/2025 01:16

Also my in-laws did not come to my DDs christening but came to the do after. I was livid but let it go.

SALaw · 13/01/2025 01:21

If you've recounted the extent of the conversation here I cannot see why this made you cry or what would take days to get over. Just roll your eyes and ignore her?! Get on with doing what you want to do. You're in your 40s, not a silly little girl. Unclear from your post why what she said resulted in the whole family being uninvited but unless there's a massive backstory you haven't said for unknown reasons it all sounds like a huge overreaction to some fairly innocuous comments.

pizzaHeart · 13/01/2025 01:22

In the nicest possible way you overreacted. You are 41. You should have ignored her silly comments. She is 83. You don’t marry her, your partner isn’t supporting her views so why do they matter?
Your partner overreacted massively. Why did he uninvited other relatives? Who said that they wouldn’t come to the ceremony just because his mum told you all this nonsense about jeans etc?

pizzaHeart · 13/01/2025 01:23

@SALaw snap 🙂

SpryUmberZebra · 13/01/2025 01:48

McGregor33 · 13/01/2025 01:14

He has a fair point, they want to miss the ceremony and then get fed and watered? 😂 I’d uninvite those chancers as well!

But it was his mother who said she wants to miss the ceremony but come for the food not the other 9 family members.

@Mrstobe83 I do think there’s a bit overreaction in your part and massive overreaction in your DH part unless there is some history and backstory between him and his family. Yes what she said was annoying but it wouldn’t upset ne to the extent of crying, I will add her to the list of people I don’t give a shot what they think or say and move on. You’ve been dating for 8 years so does she have form for saying stuff like that or is this the first time?

Anyway let him take deal with his family, keep them at arms length and focus on your wedding and married life.

I hope everything else goes smoothly and you have a lovely day.

Magamom · 13/01/2025 01:50

If they don’t come to the ceremony they can’t come to the reception , this is basic manners

Soonenough · 13/01/2025 01:51

What a miserable old bugger she is. I would have told her it's OK not to come if you are wearing jeans. WTF jeans ?? At 83 ?? Think she was just trying to get a rise . Pity he wants no one at his wedding . Sure he wants to do this as it will be a huge rift and can't be healed. He will be no contact for the rest of his life .

Original poster
Mrstobe83 · 13/01/2025 09:03

SpryUmberZebra · 13/01/2025 01:48

But it was his mother who said she wants to miss the ceremony but come for the food not the other 9 family members.

@Mrstobe83 I do think there’s a bit overreaction in your part and massive overreaction in your DH part unless there is some history and backstory between him and his family. Yes what she said was annoying but it wouldn’t upset ne to the extent of crying, I will add her to the list of people I don’t give a shot what they think or say and move on. You’ve been dating for 8 years so does she have form for saying stuff like that or is this the first time?

Anyway let him take deal with his family, keep them at arms length and focus on your wedding and married life.

I hope everything else goes smoothly and you have a lovely day.

Edited
Show quote history

All those I get on well with DP’s Mum. She does sometimes throw a few horrible comments along the way. Most of the time I just ignored her.

I think coming from different culture and background, Your family presence at your wedding ceremony is very important. I guess I took it to heart as I felt she and the family don’t accept me hence they don’t want to come to our ceremony.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrstobe83 · 13/01/2025 09:04

Soonenough · 13/01/2025 01:51

What a miserable old bugger she is. I would have told her it's OK not to come if you are wearing jeans. WTF jeans ?? At 83 ?? Think she was just trying to get a rise . Pity he wants no one at his wedding . Sure he wants to do this as it will be a huge rift and can't be healed. He will be no contact for the rest of his life .

I tried my hardest that day not to say anything I might regret but I loved to say that to her.

OP posts:
CantHoldMeDown · 13/01/2025 09:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

HollyBerryz · 13/01/2025 09:09

Have the rest of the family refused to come to the ceremony? I see his point if so, but they're still coming I'd crack on as planned. It's not their fault his mum was a bit unkind

Mischance · 13/01/2025 09:11

It all sounds like an overreaction frankly. Your future MIL says she would just like to come to the meal and the family explodes! Just crazy. What is all the fuss about?

CantHoldMeDown · 13/01/2025 09:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AsIfByMagicAShopkeeperAppears · 13/01/2025 09:11

I got married in Jeans 😂

WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere · 13/01/2025 09:11

It's not very nice but my advice is grow a thicker skin!

Hipalong · 13/01/2025 09:12

Have you missed something out? His mother said she wouldn't go, so he uninvited TEN people? They did nothing, said nothing...it was just her?

Doesn't make any sense.

Original poster
Mrstobe83 · 13/01/2025 09:12

SALaw · 13/01/2025 01:21

If you've recounted the extent of the conversation here I cannot see why this made you cry or what would take days to get over. Just roll your eyes and ignore her?! Get on with doing what you want to do. You're in your 40s, not a silly little girl. Unclear from your post why what she said resulted in the whole family being uninvited but unless there's a massive backstory you haven't said for unknown reasons it all sounds like a huge overreaction to some fairly innocuous comments.

Normally I would just roll my eyes for the things come out of her mouth but I guess because it being our wedding, I took it to heart since We have been through hell to get here today. And when she said marriage is just a piece of paper, it really upset me ( although I know it is figure of speech).

No back story really but They are quite close family but do they have option about other people and when they drunk, they can say nasty stuff to one another.

OP posts:
phoenixrosehere · 13/01/2025 09:14

I’m a bit confused.

If his mother made the comments, why is he uninviting the rest of his family?

Scottishskifun · 13/01/2025 09:15

If the whole family had also responded and said they were only coming for the meal then I don't see what your DP has done is wrong or an over reaction.

Your MIL is being nasty for no particular reason other then she can. It also sounds like your DP has had enough of the antics.

You will enjoy your day far more if you spend it with people who want to be there and show their love rather then just people turning up for a free meal making a load of snide comments!

healthybychristmas · 13/01/2025 09:15

Are they all saying that they rather just go for the meal or just your mother-in-law?

What's the history with your relationship?

Original poster
Mrstobe83 · 13/01/2025 09:16

Hipalong · 13/01/2025 09:12

Have you missed something out? His mother said she wouldn't go, so he uninvited TEN people? They did nothing, said nothing...it was just her?

Doesn't make any sense.

We Haven’t really sent the invite out yet. Since his Mum & his sisters said they won’t come to the ceremony. He has decided it’s best they won’t come at all. Like I said above, they couldn’t bother about the ceremony but love to come for the meal & drinks.

OP posts:
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