WWYD with the soon to be future MIL issue

[Mrstobe83]

Hi all,

Just a bit of background info. I’m (f) 41 and my DP (51), We have been together just over 8 years and been engaged just over a year.

We are getting married this Sept and as we both have been married before, we were just planning to have a very small intimate wedding. Just a ceremony at the registry office then a sit down meal .We picked the restaurant near to DP’s Mum house as we take into consideration that she’s getting old (83) and doesn’t fancy travel far.

We went to visit her after the restaurant to confirm date & time with them. My DP told her the plan for the day, and the first thing she said was She won’t go the Ceremony. She couldn’t be bother as it only 10 mins long anyway. However she is happy to go down the restaurant for food and drink ( and she loves her sparkling). She then turned to me and she said she hope that I m not going to be silly spending money on a wedding dress that I m only going to wear one as We both have been married before, she said buy a pair of jeans or something ( who in the world would buy a pair of jeans to wear at their wedding)

She then go on and said Marriage is only a piece of paper anyway. At this point, I was nearly in tears and tried to hold myself back. I politely told her, that marriage means something else to me. Just because we both have been married before. It doesn’t mean we don’t take it serious second time.

I told my DP that his Mum has really upset me and our relationship/marriage. He agreed that she has crossed the line and he backed me all the way. He has then decided to uninvited his whole family ( 10 of them) as he no longer wants them there for our big day.

While I am upset and hurt by what his Mum said, and I felt bless that he backed me and care about my feeling.However, I don’t want to be the reason he has fallen out with his family. I told him, I will be ok in a few days and I can be a bigger person and pretend she never said such thing but my DP still having none of it and is adamant that he doesn’t want his family there. His reason was, if they couldn’t be bothered going to the ceremony then why should he pays for their food and drink.

What would you do if you were me? Did I over react or did she cross the line?

Why has he uninvited the whole family? Makes no sense.

If marriage is important to you I’d just get it done at a registry office and then maybe have a nice party when things have calmed down.

And yes you are just going to have to rolling your eyes and smiling/ changing the subject with a MIL of that age.

I would be really upset to be uninvited because of comments made by a an elderly relative
Elope if you want
personally I would have nodded and ignored mil , she was insensitive and inappropriate but I’d have let it slide

This is exactly how I feel. I really only want people who cares and love to witness our happiness to be there.

So his sister's said they won't go either? You did not say that in your OP

Do they expect a church wedding?

Should have put this in the original post.

YANBU

Definitely rude of them and considering the way you’ve described his side’s behaviour, best they don’t be there anyway. Why would you want the odds of dealing with that on the day?

I’m trying everyday. Or I would not survive the things coming out of DP family mouth. Normally I don’t pay attention to what they said but for some reason when it comes to our wedding, I got quite upset. I blame the stress of wedding planning.

I'm with your dp, if they can't be bothered to come to the ceremony, they don't get the free meal and booze!

Yes did the sisters say the same thing? And everyone else who’s now been uninvited?

TBH if you’ve not sent out invites it does sound best to have a small ceremony and then maybe some kind of get together, this level of aggro before you’ve even sent the invites out does not bode well. I’d also just stop talking to them about it too.

@Mrstobe83 I would have said instantly to her face that she was now uninvited!! I would also change the meal venue because I wouldnt put it past them to just gatecrash anyway! start as you mean to go on. you and your future husband are to be a family and you do not need negativity from anyone, least of all your future mil!

I want to be bigger person for his sake to be honest . I don’t mind if they still come for the meal but my DP has made his mind up. I have told him I do not want to be the reason he and his family fallen apart and blame me years later.

Sorry, I did not mean anything bad by my comment.

TBH I would ignore and move on. My MIL said she wasn’t coming to our wedding when we moved into our house together a couple of months before the wedding! DH told her not to be daft, she bought a new suit, paid for the wedding cars and had a great day

Huge over reaction. Especially from a middle aged man who should know better. Is he always such a drama queen?

We have since decided to change the venue. We picked that place near her house for her own/ convenience as the rest of us would have to travel 50 mins to get there.

We are now just having Ceremony and Restaurant near by where the ceremony holds. And all our guest happy to stay the night at the hotel near by with us which I think will be much better. Very small and intimate.

What everyone else has said! Why does this matter so much to you? Her opinion is irrelevant! Smile and nod and ignore.

Have the other people actually been invited yet or not? Did they express an interest in coming? I think you have completed overreacted to this and would have just said at the time - Hey MIL, you don't just get to pick the food bit you know.

You've mentioned different cultures: do they actually consider the ceremony to be binding, or might it make them uncomfortable for cultural or religious reasons? I've known catholic families who have not attended civil or non-catholic weddings for this reason (but have attended the reception).

Yes so you HAVE now invited people and chosen an overnight venue somewhere else?

In that case I don’t really know what you hope to achieve here?

I think you need to leave his family to him. I’d make it clear that you’re happy for him to build bridges and happy for them to come over etc but otherwise just not get involved, other than I would probably try not to overreact if this is how he responds.

This is really uncalled for comment. You can give your opinion but no need to name/ age calling.

Ok. They sound awful
Forget them. Have the wedding you want without them and enjoy it
At some time in the future you could have a meal with them to celebrate but not if they are being arses
Don't try to please them

They are British. I m Asian and it’s nothing to do with religious thing either. They just think because we both have been married before, it’s not important anymore.

If his mother and sisters have said they won't go to the ceremony I understand why he doesn't want them at the reception! Hardly being a drama queen to not want to pay for food for 10 people who can't be arsed to go to the actual wedding.

My late MIL was like that. You won’t change her, you can only change how you react to her.

'Ok MIL, you do you' would have sufficed. If she doesn't want to come then so be it. Stop giving her the power of your reaction.