WWYD with the soon to be future MIL issue

[Mrstobe83]

Hi all,

Just a bit of background info. I’m (f) 41 and my DP (51), We have been together just over 8 years and been engaged just over a year.

We are getting married this Sept and as we both have been married before, we were just planning to have a very small intimate wedding. Just a ceremony at the registry office then a sit down meal .We picked the restaurant near to DP’s Mum house as we take into consideration that she’s getting old (83) and doesn’t fancy travel far.

We went to visit her after the restaurant to confirm date & time with them. My DP told her the plan for the day, and the first thing she said was She won’t go the Ceremony. She couldn’t be bother as it only 10 mins long anyway. However she is happy to go down the restaurant for food and drink ( and she loves her sparkling). She then turned to me and she said she hope that I m not going to be silly spending money on a wedding dress that I m only going to wear one as We both have been married before, she said buy a pair of jeans or something ( who in the world would buy a pair of jeans to wear at their wedding)

She then go on and said Marriage is only a piece of paper anyway. At this point, I was nearly in tears and tried to hold myself back. I politely told her, that marriage means something else to me. Just because we both have been married before. It doesn’t mean we don’t take it serious second time.

I told my DP that his Mum has really upset me and our relationship/marriage. He agreed that she has crossed the line and he backed me all the way. He has then decided to uninvited his whole family ( 10 of them) as he no longer wants them there for our big day.

While I am upset and hurt by what his Mum said, and I felt bless that he backed me and care about my feeling.However, I don’t want to be the reason he has fallen out with his family. I told him, I will be ok in a few days and I can be a bigger person and pretend she never said such thing but my DP still having none of it and is adamant that he doesn’t want his family there. His reason was, if they couldn’t be bothered going to the ceremony then why should he pays for their food and drink.

What would you do if you were me? Did I over react or did she cross the line?

She didn't say that though. Dripped later

Well, there is an element of that that is true. I've been married more than once and frankly the second time is always going to be received with more cynicism by your family, especially as they've already bought wedding presents before!! So the idea of them 'sharing in your joy' is really unrealistic. You need to have lovely day for yourself, and not be so reliant on their response validating your feelings.

That’s our plan but we have not yet booked the hotel yet. We just sent the message to our friends and ask if they like the ideas and they all responded yes.

We are going to check out the private dinning room this evening then we can finalised things.

like you said, I have left his family for him to deal with but I have reassured him that I would be fine if his family just come for the meal. The decision is up to him really.

I don’t think it’s an overreaction at all. Imagine planning a wedding (a second wedding yes, but which happens to lots of people, it’s not like you’re both on your sixth wedding!) and issuing invites and your own family say no to the ceremony but yes to the free meal and drinks? That’s so rude! Not just his mum but his sisters too. And we should really stop making excuses for crap behaviour from older generations just because she’s in her 80’s. That’s no reason to be downright rude to someone who has come to discuss their wedding with you. Weddings are important and are meaningful to a lot of people, as it seems for op. If his family weren’t interested they should have had to good grace to wish him well but decline the invite not just rock up for a free piss up. All the best op, I hope you have a wonderful day surrounded by those who love you.

But how much stress can a small register office ceremony and a restaurant meal involve?

Honestly, OP, this all sounds like a series of storms in a teacup. My own MIL is a tactless, self-absorbed idiot, although I’m fond enough of her after many years. I certainly wouldn’t take a blind bit of notice of a word she says, though.

You should have immediately told her to not be so silly, you have booked a taxi to collect her for the ceremony and you will be wearing what you like.
The more people feed into behaviour like this the more the people concerned will carry on being total twats.
Were the rest of the family invited to the ceremony originally or just the celebration meal??

I think you have over reacted. If you feel stable in your relationship with DP other people's views on marriage should not bother you at all. To be honest a wedding in a registry office is just a bit of paper to anyone else, to you and DP it may mean commitment, declaration of love etc but to others it's unlikely to hold any significance other than maybe just being happy for you in the same way they would with a new home or job. A good family member or friend would want to share your joy and celebrate with you to make you happy but it doesn't mean it will hold any deep meaning for then.
Are they religious so against the second marriages and/or registry office?

That’s how I am everyday with her. I get on well with her despite things she said sometimes. I thought she would be there for us but when she said marriage is just a piece of paper don’t go silly on it really gets me.

Weddings bring out the worst in some people, my gran told my cousin she couldn't wear white for her wedding she had a couple of kids , more fool her she took it to heart but she had a beautiful gold dress on the day and looked amazing , I also had a child before marriage but I'd be damned if I wasn't getting my white dress and the day I wanted lol . Don't take it to heart , your husband obviously loves you and has put you first .

I think it would make your life easier if you just let your DP take care of his side of family and whatever he decides you just don't give it second thought. I think it's ok not to invite his family members who cannot be bothered to come to the ceremony but very happy to join for free food and drinks. Your new plan sounds much better and is more about you two and your day. Spend the day celebrating with people who care about you and are happy to make effort to mark your special day.

@Mrstobe83 I hope you have a lovely lovely time. When my husband and I got married (first and only marriage) there had been acrimonious divorce on both sides (grandparents) so we could not see ourselves inviting them to a large event and having to be watchful about seating plans, fallouts, fights or nastiness etc. So we went to Vegas (in early 90s) had a lovely romantic time for just us two and had separate celebration meals or parties with different groups of friends/family that we could enjoy when we got back. So even if your annoying MIL and her sisters decide not to come to the ceremony and meal on the day. (And especially if you think they may rub the shine off your day) consider offering to have a family meal 'in celebration' afterwards. To keep the peace and keep the special day about you and your man.NOTHING

My own mother is in her 80s and does say very hurtful things without meaning to hurt. (Or at least I tell myself that!) I think she sometimes gets so weary of life. NOTHING is exciting or worth getting enthusiastic about. Its just a 'seen it all before' vibe. She probably has and I respect that but it does hurt.

I agree with this

Do it at the closer venue that pleases you. Invite his family to both the ceremony and meal but say it’s both or nothing. Then leave it to them. If there is a family divide, then that’s then on them, not you.

This shows it’s a you problem.

Your MIL doesn’t see her non attendance as not accepting you - she just doesn’t see the point in being there (which rationally I agree with, but she should have been able to appreciate the reason to go is because it would make the couple happy).

You’re reading too much into it, and while it’s disappointing she isn’t as excited as you’d like her to be, you can’t change how other people feel.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable that only those going to the ceremony go to the meal though, so if she doesn’t care enough to come to the registry office then I think your DH is right to say don’t bother with the meal either.

I would have the venue you want not bear them. Quietly withdraw rather than no contact. Send invites out. Anyway. Don't cause a big fuss. If they don't come they don't come

Saying you won't shift yourself to attend a ten minute ceremony but you'll happily partake of the hospitality is about the tackiest thing I ever heard, even here on Mumsnet. Selfish. Rude. Entitled. Can this person even function in Society? Do they take their groceries without paying and accept Christmas gifts without ever giving any back?

Me too, I don't really need to be judged for it.

I don't really understand the drama? Seems a very immature reaction from both of you.

I can sort of understand why an 83 year old doesn't want to do a 1hr40 round trip for a short service, especially for a second wedding. Your new plan actually makes more sense to have the meal nearby to the wedding ceremony. I know your original plan was to have the meal where the MIL lives for her convenience but that only works if she doesn't attend the ceremony. Otherwise, she is still doing the travelling (so still inconvenient) but with only a small gap between sitting in the car. My nan (although 93) could not physically cope with that.

But given her wider attitude and disdain for you, you and your dh may be better off without her there. Either way, I hope you have a wonderful day celebrating with your friends and family.

Wow what a lot of drama over nothing. Just say to MIL "actually we'd really like you to be at the ceremony" & help sort travel logistics if need be. Ignore the nonsense about jeans, book where you want to get married and stop asking your friends if they like the sound of it - surely you just send an invite? Maybe this is why MIL has opted out as it all sounded very "come if you like" rather than we're getting married at this time & place and of course you'll be there.

She's 83 and probably functioned perfectly well. Likely she has just run out of fucks to give and no longer filters herself 🤷‍♀️

I suppose looking at the positives it's unlikely you're ever going to be in a position where you don't know where you stand with her.

Ignore the old bat! Buy yourself a lovely dress and invite half a dozen good friends instead and have a lovely day.

I'd elope. However, a disclaimer:

DH and I are not fond of weddings, so this is what we did ourselves. It was wonderful, fun and relaxing with no regrets and no major holes in our bank balance.

It therefore tends to be my answer to every wedding dilemma, so should be taken with a hefty pinch of personal bias!

It's a pity that things have escalated to this extent, OP, but I hope it all works out for you. I honestly think the propensity of weddings to cause major rifts is enormous, and also completely disproportionate.

You're not being.

OP clearly stated that this was an injunction from her future MiL, and apparently one she didn't want to abide by.

It wasn't a negative endorsement of those who have chosen to marry in jeans. If someone takes a different decision to your own they're not automatically stating that yours is bad.