WWYD with the soon to be future MIL issue

[Mrstobe83]

Hi all,

Just a bit of background info. I’m (f) 41 and my DP (51), We have been together just over 8 years and been engaged just over a year.

We are getting married this Sept and as we both have been married before, we were just planning to have a very small intimate wedding. Just a ceremony at the registry office then a sit down meal .We picked the restaurant near to DP’s Mum house as we take into consideration that she’s getting old (83) and doesn’t fancy travel far.

We went to visit her after the restaurant to confirm date & time with them. My DP told her the plan for the day, and the first thing she said was She won’t go the Ceremony. She couldn’t be bother as it only 10 mins long anyway. However she is happy to go down the restaurant for food and drink ( and she loves her sparkling). She then turned to me and she said she hope that I m not going to be silly spending money on a wedding dress that I m only going to wear one as We both have been married before, she said buy a pair of jeans or something ( who in the world would buy a pair of jeans to wear at their wedding)

She then go on and said Marriage is only a piece of paper anyway. At this point, I was nearly in tears and tried to hold myself back. I politely told her, that marriage means something else to me. Just because we both have been married before. It doesn’t mean we don’t take it serious second time.

I told my DP that his Mum has really upset me and our relationship/marriage. He agreed that she has crossed the line and he backed me all the way. He has then decided to uninvited his whole family ( 10 of them) as he no longer wants them there for our big day.

While I am upset and hurt by what his Mum said, and I felt bless that he backed me and care about my feeling.However, I don’t want to be the reason he has fallen out with his family. I told him, I will be ok in a few days and I can be a bigger person and pretend she never said such thing but my DP still having none of it and is adamant that he doesn’t want his family there. His reason was, if they couldn’t be bothered going to the ceremony then why should he pays for their food and drink.

What would you do if you were me? Did I over react or did she cross the line?

I really don't think the criticism is about wearing jeans. It's the fact that jeans are generally considered everyday wear and future MiL wanted to make as barbed a point as she could that OP's wedding merited a similar degree of importance.

If this is what a bride wants to do all well and good. I have a healthy respect for people who are not sticklers for convention. But MiL clearly said this to be deliberately dismissive. DH's reaction is also strong, not accounting for any further background information.

The whole thing has escalated beyond proportion. For some reason weddings have a nasty habit of bringing this kind of behaviour out in people and to my mind they are mostly not worth the angst they're capable of generating. Believe me, I speak from experience.

You can feel upset but you don't have to act on it. Part of being a mature adult involves recognising that feelings come and go and what seems upsetting now will be forgotten in the future. It also, in this case, involves understanding that MIL is for reasons unknown trying to be hurtful, and not reacting to her. If you've got to 41 and you haven't learned to smile politely and say 'I'll think about what you said', while consigning it mentally to the bin and feeling instantly better, you're not going to find life easy.

Instead of just accepting that MiL is cutting off her nose to spite her face, you've risen to the bait, kicked off a family-wide drama and plunged yourself into an emotional bear pit — particularly if others in the family are reactive like you. Like Michelle Obama said, when others (like you MIL) go low, you go high. Once you start doing that, once you start behaving better than those around you, they lose the power to hurt.

Do have a couple of CBT sessions to help you manage this sort of thing better, OP. They'll enable you to live a calmer, more confident life in which you'll be able to hear what other people have to say without allowing it to adversely affect you.

To be fair it was the future husband who "kicked off" the op was just upset as she is allowed to be, whether you think so or not.

You're right about that. And reading the OP again, I see she says that she thinks given a few days she could have got over her upset and moved on without this wider family issue that her fiancé has blown up. Apologies for scanning over that and not absorbing it first time round, OP.

I just wanted to make the distinction between feeling something and acting on it. We all have feelings, but we don't have to act on them. Let's hope OP's fiancé gets over his disinviting feelings and calms down. Perhaps CBT lessons for the two of them!

@MellowCritic nowhere in the OP, which I replied to before further information was provided (which I am still somewhat sketchy on) does it say that anyone other than the future MIL said they weren't attending the ceremony.

I don't think there is sympathy for what she said. Telling the OP that her and her fiancé should have rolled their eyes and got on with what they wanted to do rather than crying, taking days to get over the comment and uninviting his whole family isn't saying we agree with what was said, just that it doesn't matter that it was said in the grand scheme of things.

His reason was, if they couldn’t be bothered going to the ceremony then why should he pays for their food and drink

She makes references to they not mil at the end of the post and they have been uninvited so it's safe to assume they too said they weren't going.

OP, there will DEFINITELY be people at your wedding that think marriage is just a bit of paper. It's a widely held view. People regularly express it on Mumsnet. If it's important to you (and it is to me) it doesn't matter that friends or family think differently. They aren't rejecting you as your fiancée's partner or not welcoming you to the family - they just view marriage differently. That is an even more common feeling around second marriages. My mum in her 70s really values marriage but she is always quite critical of fuss being made when it's a second (or third - as it has been a few times in our wider family) marriage or where the couple have lived together for years, have kids etc. she thinks those people should just have a very very low key wedding. I disagree with her but she's allowed to think like that and it wouldn't upset me if she said it. I'd just get on with whatever I wanted to do.

I actually agree with MIL on jeans and piece of paper comms. And also all the 'second marriage, what's with the big hoopla' thing. BUT I'd never say that to an excited bride, sometimes it's surely best to keep your opinions to yourself, just nod and smile.

However, not bothering to show up at ceremony, but coming to feast at your expense is crass. You either come to both or piss off altogether. As if you're not important enough to come and see you actually get married, but perfectly good enough to pay for their dinner. Fuck that.

@MellowCritic hence me saying "unless you have missed information out". Multiple people have asked for clarity on this and she still hasn't really given it?

I think both you and DH over reacted ...him more so .
How on earth did he go from his mother's silly remarks to uninviting the whole family!? Jesus Christ 😂😂😂😂😂
I think you should've laughed off her silly remarks!

• " As if I'm going to wear jeans to my wedding Betty! 😂"

Honestly, unless the whole family are consistently vile that you've not mentioned, then you need to take things less seriously

Yawn.

Well yes particularly as they have been together for 8 years already.

But it's incredibly rude to voice it. People seem to be cutting the MIL to be a free pass because of her age, but it does read as if she deliberately decided to rain on her DS and future DILs parade, simply to make her rather nasty point.

It does sound like her DS overreacted but I wouldn't be doing much for future MIL going forward without a bit of an apology or at least acknowledgement that she spoke out of turn.

just that it doesn't matter that it was said in the grand scheme of things.

Well it obviously matters to Op & her stbh.

Sometimes it's best to keep your opinions to yourself!

Perhaps it's a straw that broke the camel's back situation?

Hi op,

don’t let him say he does this for you. He doesn’t. If he is upset then he needs to own it and say it himself not hide behind you.

all this doesn’t look good op.

I agree with your DH that anyone who can't be arsed to come to the ceremony doesn't get a free meal. And I wouldn't allow backtracking - I wouldn't want them to change their minds and come to the ceremony in order to get the meal. They are either supportive and loving and want to celebrate with you or not, and you don't want anyone in the "not" category there on the day.

You aren't the cause of any fallout. Them being nasty people is the problem and that's not your fault.

I have a 'friend' who is inclined to say hurtful things. I think, as some people age, they seem to think they have a right to say whatever they like, regardless of the hurt caused. I would certainly tell her she is uninvited since you believe marriage is much more than a piece of paper and only want those who also think that sharing your day.
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As for the rest of the family, have they expressed similar views? If not, it seems your future DH has over reacted and may need to do some bridge building.

You haven’t overreact at all. My MIL is always throwing shade my way, and although I’m a grown woman, it hurts. I can’t stand to be near her. Just because she’s old it doesn’t mean she can get away with sheer rudeness. I’m glad your fiancé has your back, but it does seem a little harsh to uninvite everyone.

I would rearrange the wedding miles away and enjoy your day, with or without them.

I think it’s the cause of the problem. I don’t held such a huge respect for my elderly and can challenge them if I disagree. As a result I don’t pay so much attention to their words just because they are elderly.
Your MIL has made some stupid comments. What we all are saying - don’t pay much attention to them and don’t allow her to ruin your big day.

Agree with this. I told my mother last week about my planned second marriage later this year and she replied with "Noted...". It was better than I expected as she's a complete cynic, thinks my EXH was decent and likely blames me for the relationships demise, and doesn't hold my current partner in high regards due to profession and culture also.

I've had other similar 'cool' unenthusiastic responses from a few and yes it can sting but exactly as you've said, people are entitled to their own view and you have to press ahead for your own reasons.
If people don't wish to join in and be happy then leave them to it.

Sorry to say but I think you're overreacting.

OP did say , I took it to heart since We have been through hell to get here today.

So given this background, which I'm sure his family are aware of, they were very insensitive to be so dismissive of the wedding. They would have known it was important to the OP and her fiancé and should have kept their thoughts to themselves.

Well that puts a different perspective on it. I wouldn't be inviting any family member who told me they will not come to the ceremony but will turn up afterwards for free food and drink. What a cheek!!

Enjoy your day OP and just forget about them.

Would you like to join me in asking MN for a yawn reaction button? There are so many times I would have used one if it had been available (and yes that post was one of those times).