WWYD with the soon to be future MIL issue

[Mrstobe83]

Hi all,

Just a bit of background info. I’m (f) 41 and my DP (51), We have been together just over 8 years and been engaged just over a year.

We are getting married this Sept and as we both have been married before, we were just planning to have a very small intimate wedding. Just a ceremony at the registry office then a sit down meal .We picked the restaurant near to DP’s Mum house as we take into consideration that she’s getting old (83) and doesn’t fancy travel far.

We went to visit her after the restaurant to confirm date & time with them. My DP told her the plan for the day, and the first thing she said was She won’t go the Ceremony. She couldn’t be bother as it only 10 mins long anyway. However she is happy to go down the restaurant for food and drink ( and she loves her sparkling). She then turned to me and she said she hope that I m not going to be silly spending money on a wedding dress that I m only going to wear one as We both have been married before, she said buy a pair of jeans or something ( who in the world would buy a pair of jeans to wear at their wedding)

She then go on and said Marriage is only a piece of paper anyway. At this point, I was nearly in tears and tried to hold myself back. I politely told her, that marriage means something else to me. Just because we both have been married before. It doesn’t mean we don’t take it serious second time.

I told my DP that his Mum has really upset me and our relationship/marriage. He agreed that she has crossed the line and he backed me all the way. He has then decided to uninvited his whole family ( 10 of them) as he no longer wants them there for our big day.

While I am upset and hurt by what his Mum said, and I felt bless that he backed me and care about my feeling.However, I don’t want to be the reason he has fallen out with his family. I told him, I will be ok in a few days and I can be a bigger person and pretend she never said such thing but my DP still having none of it and is adamant that he doesn’t want his family there. His reason was, if they couldn’t be bothered going to the ceremony then why should he pays for their food and drink.

What would you do if you were me? Did I over react or did she cross the line?

I wish I did but unfortunately I was brought up not to challenge your elderly.

They all were invited to the ceremony as well as the meal.

I'd say she's the old fashioned 'you can only marry once' kind. I don't know what to tell you. Crazy you are together that long and she'd be like that. At some time you have to use the phrase 'this is our wedding day' to bring it home to her that this means so much

From the OP "who in the world would buy a pair of jeans to wear at their wedding?"

OK

My husband told his family before he died that if they could not be bothered to visit or even phone to see how he is then it is a simple cremation and NO wake.
His family laughed it off as they are the sort you never see unless someone else is paying for a booze up or full-on party.
Only one of his sisters visited him in the hospice quite often and so included her in any arrangements.
Well when he did die I phoned his sister to tell her the news and to pass it along the family chain. Twenty minutes later got a phone call from one of his brothers (10 siblings in family) to ask when the funeral was and where/when was the wake. Funny thing is after I told him of the arrangements my husband had made for a simple cremation and no wake all he said was "OK" and never heard a dicky bird from any of them again despite many of them living 10 minutes away.
Fortunately he had 4 very good friends, who he did the allotments with, agreed with his decision and were included (along with the only sister) attended the burial of his ashes in the cemetery very close to us.
Families are cruel at times - and I have only my 90 year old father alive - so I reckon I am spared all the nasty problems families throw up even if I have no support,

I think your soon to be MIL's feelings towards a Registry Office marriage are no worse than your feelings about getting married wearing jeans!

They are both just personal points of view.

I'm sure you never intended to hurt the feelings of those who have worn jeans at their wedding, so why can't you just shrug off what your MIL thinks about Registry Office weddings?

So what if she doesn't want to bother attending? She can celebrate with you afterwards, it's your marriage that's important, not the wedding.

I think you are right but because I m coming from a very family oriented culture and I guess I wanted to be accepted and welcome to the family.

Like you said, I need to care less about other people’s opinions.

People with no fucks to give can fuck off, and I include my own MIL in that. If you can't give reciprocal courtesy then you don't deserve people.

Leave your partners family to him.
Do not get involved.

There's no reason to suppose you won't be accepted and welcomed into the family just because they don't see the wedding itself as a Big Deal

Like I said, the marriage is whats important not the wedding.

I'm 10 years younger than you OP and I cannot see why this is something to cry about. Was she rude? Absolutely. But she's 83 and is highly unlikely to be a key part in your day to day lives throughout your marriage. Smile and nod and say 'we will see you at the meal then' and then move on. Invite the rest of them, if they come they come. I wouldn't be footing the bill for anyone's meal if they didn't come to the ceremony though, with the exception of his mother.

Your future MiL is woefully misinformed about the importance of marriage. Yes, it's a piece of paper: a legal contract which has protections for the partners in the event of divorce, unexpected death etc. Stupid woman.
That said, just say you'll see her at the meal and forget about her remarks.

I think your change of plans re your wedding sound lovely.
His family are idiots.
Have a wonderful wedding with the people that really matter x x

I completely agree with what you said. It is definitely my own worse enemies that I often take thing like that to heart.

This is his side of the family - she was awful towards you in what she was saying but as she is in her early 80's I'd suggest that she was a child who grew up in the late 1940's to early 1950's and learned to economise - not wasting anything. For that reason, I'd imagine that is why she made the comment about what you might wear - at least with a pair of jeans you get to wear them again and again, a wedding gown, not so much.

I'm not trying to excuse what she said but perhaps explain why she said it.

I also think that if your H2b doesn't want to spend money on his family if all they are willing to do is show up for the free food and drink, then he's completely within his rights to rescind the invitation and say you either come to my whole wedding or not at all. He's gone for the not at all option there which is fine and his call. He knows his family best at this stage so I'd be supporting him if that is his decision.

Finally - I just wanted to wish you and your H2b all the luck in the world and have a wonderful wedding day!

White dresses don't signal 'virtue'. Once upon a time that function was served by blue, thought to resemble the Virgin Mary's robes and still served by the ongoing tradition of 'something blue'. White was merely a trend set by Queen Victoria. (Ironically enough, most jeans are blue!)

However, I completely agree with your general reasoning. I shy away from so-called tradition, and the conventions associated with weddings are particularly misogynistic. Never in a million years would I have allowed myself to be 'given away', relinquished my own name as part of the bargain of marriage, or referred to any woman's family name as her 'maiden' name. Ugh!

I like this - and actually, the Bible does say husbands should submit to wives, too, but obviously it gets airbrushed out by many! (I’m not religious/Christian, but I have looked at enough Bible verses to know it’s not exactly the text many people would want others to believe!)

It situations like this it is really to your advantage to play along.

Oh yes MIL I saw a lovely pair of VB jeans for £800.00 what a good idea I will buy them thanks for the tip.

Marriage is a piece of paper that I will cherish as I cherish your DS.

If the day is going to be too much for you as you have said you can’t make it to the ceremony maybe we should change our plans. We can come to your house and toast with a glass of bubbly. Like you said and I agree with you as it is second time round what is the point in all the expense of a restaurant bill for family who think second time round marriages are a waste of time and effort. I wouldn’t want to think anyone was there because they felt they had to be.

Realise that she is 83, probably has a heart condition or other ailments that cause her difficulties, she won't be here forever and she has probably been around the block a few times by that age and seen it all. Just the ramblings of old folks. You would do better to toughen yourself up and develop a teflon hide for later life. There are many more folks you'll meet like her on your journey. Smile politely, say: if you say so, and then dump to the memory dustbin.

I think that at her age, she may well be having a touch of dementia so I wouldn’t take her comments to heart and just say ‘yes yes’ and nod but then disregard it.

don’t take people’s comments to heart so quickly or easily.

Overreaction by you and your future husband. Crying - why? She has her opinions - you can choose to ignore them. No idea why he's uninvited the whole family. And backing you comment sounds very immature.

I think you both need to grow up to be honest. He's thrown his toys out the pram and uninvited his whole family because his mum said some hurty words?

She's entitled to her opinion.

I personally don't believe in second marriages and I wouldn't attend a 10 minute long registry office ceremony either. I agree with her on the dress thing too. You are way older than me but seem to have no ability to grasp the fact that not everyone has to agree with your life choices.

So much drama over a little old lady expressing her (somewhat mean) opinion.

So what if that's what she thinks?

Why are you in tears over an opinion that is completely at odds with your own?

It's your wedding and your marriage and you and your husband having the same values, and wanting the same thing in a wedding and a marriage is all that matters!

I think some people just love lots of drama rather than just telling someone, 'Thank you for your views, but we don't see things that way and will be doing things as we see fit,'

We are very touchy when it comes to us - but seriously, look at it from the outside, both have broken vows previously, hence 2nd marriage (does not matter why, but broken vows). Second time wedding (unless widowed) in a wedding dress is a joke - the late HM the Queen said something along those lines to Meghan Markle and she was right.

At 83 MIL may not have all her faculties intact - are you picking up a fight, sorry, is your husband picking up a fight on your behalf with an elderly person? Sorry, I forgot, he is an unruly groom in the first flush of youth, hence the volatility.

Some elderly people are just malicious. They don't all have dementia. She is not your problem. Cut her off completely.