WWYD with the soon to be future MIL issue

[Mrstobe83]

Hi all,

Just a bit of background info. I’m (f) 41 and my DP (51), We have been together just over 8 years and been engaged just over a year.

We are getting married this Sept and as we both have been married before, we were just planning to have a very small intimate wedding. Just a ceremony at the registry office then a sit down meal .We picked the restaurant near to DP’s Mum house as we take into consideration that she’s getting old (83) and doesn’t fancy travel far.

We went to visit her after the restaurant to confirm date & time with them. My DP told her the plan for the day, and the first thing she said was She won’t go the Ceremony. She couldn’t be bother as it only 10 mins long anyway. However she is happy to go down the restaurant for food and drink ( and she loves her sparkling). She then turned to me and she said she hope that I m not going to be silly spending money on a wedding dress that I m only going to wear one as We both have been married before, she said buy a pair of jeans or something ( who in the world would buy a pair of jeans to wear at their wedding)

She then go on and said Marriage is only a piece of paper anyway. At this point, I was nearly in tears and tried to hold myself back. I politely told her, that marriage means something else to me. Just because we both have been married before. It doesn’t mean we don’t take it serious second time.

I told my DP that his Mum has really upset me and our relationship/marriage. He agreed that she has crossed the line and he backed me all the way. He has then decided to uninvited his whole family ( 10 of them) as he no longer wants them there for our big day.

While I am upset and hurt by what his Mum said, and I felt bless that he backed me and care about my feeling.However, I don’t want to be the reason he has fallen out with his family. I told him, I will be ok in a few days and I can be a bigger person and pretend she never said such thing but my DP still having none of it and is adamant that he doesn’t want his family there. His reason was, if they couldn’t be bothered going to the ceremony then why should he pays for their food and drink.

What would you do if you were me? Did I over react or did she cross the line?

Can you just change what you are doing? The family just wants a free meal. I would book a holiday, get married there and not mention anything about the wedding until you are married.

Weddings are always about compromise, the sort of push and pull between trying to co-opt families and the importance of the day as a couple With the best will in the world, I think you both are over thinking this. His mum is 83. She probably has mobility/incontinence/hearing problems that makes attending celebrations with lots of people difficult. It also sounds, from her comments, that she might have a bit of dementia. Due to her age and attitude she's probably not going to be so present in your marriage, so no need to make an issue out of it, which you obviously don't. Your wedding is most important to the pair of you, so don't reinterpret your relationship through other's eyes. Wear what you want, tell her what you want, even that you bought your dress second hand, like your second marriage and enjoy the day.

This sounds lovely @Mrstobe83. The last thing you need on your wedding day is miserable, difficult people. Spend it with those you cherish and who cherish you. I wish you an wonderful day!

At 83 she’s entitled to miss things - even important things. She wants to join in the more comfortable surroundings of the reception. If she’s ailing with age maybe it’s understandable. Also her age could account for her being outspoken. It’s not necessarily the case, just possibly. If the rest of the family had planned to attend the ceremony why were they then uninvited? I don’t get that.

I wouldn't want to start my marriage on bad terms with his family. I'd ask him to suck it up, they should all be there, even if it is just for free food! Then you can cool it afterwards.

I don't get this at all.
Why did you get so upset about silly stuff coming out of mils mouth?
Why did partner then disinvite 10 members of his family?
I just don't understand why you didn't ignore her?

You have been with him for 8 years so you must know that your MIL is a misery. Why get so upset? I read these things about MIL problems why do you let them away with such rude remarks? You either laugh at them take the piss out of them. Or alternatively everytime they cross the line roll your eyes and say "how rude" or I wasn't asking your opinion. Why act so fragile and defenceless you are 41 not 14. Put your boundaries in place.

Exactly.

My MIL was like this. Most of the time I used to ignore her but every now and then it was too much and it would really upset me. Can't you understand that sometimes things just get to a you even if you have put boundaries in place?

As did my DH! He forgot his posh shoes and his tatty trainers looked awful with the suit, so jeans it was.

I decided to leave the £200 beautiful pantsuit that I got, and wear what I had on the day before. A skirt and blouse from the the Asda George sale 😂

Why is it 'rational' to not be at your son's wedding, making a commitment to the woman he loves?

Because the only reason to be there is emotional?

I wouldn’t expect to be in the room when a relative registers the birth of their baby, when they sign their mortgage deeds, writes their will - why would I expect to be in the room when they enter into this legal marriage? For social and emotional reasons - I can’t think of a rational reason, other than if they were a witness.

Your mother in law sounds cynical, perhaps bitter, and jaded. She’s 83. Some of what she says makes sense, but she doesn’t want to hold back.

are her words that important to you, to make you so very sad? Jeans…I don’t know if she was being funny, but it is quite funny. I don’t think I’d cry over it.

more to the point, I think that your fiancé’s reaction is disconcerting. Is he immature? He could have had a chat with his mother and explained that you’re both very much in love and serious about your future together, and asked that she not taint your excitement with her disenchantment regarding marriage. instead, his drastic reaction to cut his whole family out, on the basis of his mothers lack of enthusiasm, seems extreme. This would worry me. What’s he going to do in the future if you really piss him off? What about any children you have/ share?

i would not worry about his mother, I’d be more concerned about your partner.

There’s no need for her to go to the meal afterwards either. She can go for a meal with them any time if she doesn’t care about the wedding

The OP implies she likes to eat and drink, which I assume is her rational reason for wanting to go to the meal.

I did say she shouldn’t have an invitation to the meal though if she wasn’t going to the wedding.

This

She's 83, cut her some slack. My great aunt asked me why I was bothering a second time as we were happy living together. No offence intended and none taken.
Now you have a situation where one side of the family is to be excluded. I could not continue with the wedding in these circumstances.
If you can't rectify this, I'd cancel the lot and just go off to Gretna Green.

You hint at her saying other unkind things so you may be on the money that they don’t really accept you. However, I think there are quite a lot of people in the UK who think getting married later in life, especially when you have been happy to live together for years, is just a legal thing. The important thing is the relationship you’ve already developed over the years.

Regardless, I don’t think the rift with his family is down to your reaction to the comment. You didn’t ask him to uninvited people, he did that off his own bat and, it sounds, without taking much time to consider it.

To be honest, if my family had not wanted to come to a 10 minute wedding ceremony but were happy to eat and drink at my expense to celebrate it, I’d want to uninvite them too. It’s a freeloading attitude and doesn’t reflect much affection or consideration for your DP. I’d find that especially depressing from family. If they have form for unkind comments, even if they are quite a tight knit family and that’s just the way they are with everyone, he may have rejected that way of seeing life (he’s with you, after all and you seem to not be the same as them in this regard) and just be at the end of his tether with them.

Yes, the reasons to be there are social and emotional. That’s largely what ceremonies are about. They allow you to show support and approval, which makes the participants feel good about themselves and what they are doing/have done.

It’s irrational to think you can have good relationships with people without reinforcing social and emotional bonds through things like this.

No one I know who's had a registry office wedding has ever wore a full wedding dress!
It's a wedding invite not a court summons!

I always believe that when something strange or unexpected like this happens that there's something else going on behind the scenes to make you feel like this. I should , myself, have not UNINVITED but told everyone that the wedding plans are being adjusted to another time and place then just got married in secret. I did a similar thing myself after my closest family did not show interest at all on my wedding. I bought a beautiful dress and had attendants few in number but it was secret.

That's lovely if that's right for you.
I've worked at a restaurant where a couple wore jeans, having a very small and very short reception as they were traveling for their honeymoon shortly after, it was fun and informal. Perfect!

However if it's not that kind of occasion, it's just WRONG OP, I agree, no ceremony, no restaurant! You've done nothing wrong, concentrate on your big day and future together.

Sorry OP but yabu and so is OH. You massively overreacted to mils comments. Yes they were a bit daft and slightly insensitive but definitely did not warrant tears. Just a ‘well actually we are taking this really seriously so it’s not just a piece of paper to us and I do want a nice dress’ would have sufficed. I would be miffed she didn’t want to come to the ceremony but to uninvite her completely? And the rest of the family? Did they also say they would skip the ceremony? Or did OH assume that they would follow his mums lead? He’s bitten his nose off to spite his face and I’m afraid you’ve fanned the flames OP. Unless there is a massive backstory of toxic behaviour you haven’t told us.

Yes if they can't be bothered to address his big day why should he pay for them at the restaurant and looks like he knows his family more.

My dad is 83 and was born in the middle of world war ll so obviously has no memory of people marrying in registry offices! My mum is 82 and is having a few health issues and might think it a bit much to travel far for a 10 minute ceremony and would prefer to join in the celebration afterwards. Both my nana when she was alive and my mum now would have no problem expressing their opinions whether the recipient liked them or not. The recipient can chose to ignore them or answer back. Does seem an over reaction but perhaps the OP is not used to that family dynamic.