Old guy purposely tapped my bum with his walking crutch

[Wickedclimber]

Had a 'disagreement' with an elderly man today, who was utterly vile and told me that women should be in the kitchen.

Afterwards he came over and tapped my arse with his walking crutch, whilst mumbling "got over it yet?".

AIBU in thinking this is totally inappropriate?

I know if I had seen him do it to someone else, I would have stepped in as a safeguarding officer.

Yes, it was your fault he prodded you in the bum, OP. When he bombarded you with misogynistic comments, apparently ingrained due to his upbringing, you should have undone that by showing understanding and swiftly re-educating him.

And he's probably never realized that uninvited touching of people's bottoms has been deemed socially unacceptable for at least several decades now, how could he possibly have known otherwise?

Please try and be more graceful in the future, then we'll be able to see you in a better light.

Was it actually the priest?!

Oh dear @OneLemonDog, it was hardly the fault of the opening poster, that they were tapped on the btm by a walking aid. That is just silly. Like you and all other contributors, I have merely responded to the opening poster, as they invited us to do so. Each of us has a different way of looking at it, and as they are a ‘leader of the flock’, I was approaching it from a Biblical perspective. I don’t expect all to agree.

What's that got to do with it?

I find your way of looking at it unpleasant, I'm afraid.

I think your suggestion that the demeaning things he said to the OP, were "tongue in cheek" is beyond charitable, and is instead bending over backwards to shift blame onto the victim.

Your "egos may have got in the way of good communication" comment is also an extremely novel way of framing one person subjecting another to a string of insults.

Suggesting that this man did not intend to demean the OP with his comments (particularly while using the well-worn trope about a woman's place being in the kitchen), or that perhaps he may not be aware that prodding a woman's bottom (not least a woman he just insulted) is inappropriate, is stretching plausibility to breaking point. At some point, too, accommodation for societal change over time tips over into an extremely patronizing form of ageism.

And even if you think (as a third party with only scant details of the interactions) that there may have been a better way to handle the unpleasant words and behavioirs, telling the OP that her loud response (given in shock) of "do not ever do that again" does not paint her in the best light is really quite unkind.

I do think you'd do well to show more compassion.

Is the message here that we should accept misogyny from men over, say, 70? Because they haven’t been raised to know any better? Nonsense. Education is lifelong, times have changed and too flipping right.

Absolutely. I'm sure that most of us know men in their 70s, 80s and 90s who know full well (and have known for a long time) that this type of behavior has long ceased to be acceptable.

@OneLemonDog I find your way of looking at it unpleasant, I'm afraid.

Don’t be afraid. Our views differ. Under different circumstances, my opinion may be different. I am just offering an alternative viewpoint based on the information as presented by the opening poster. I would urge any person who wants to lead a flock to act with grace and compassion towards an unlikeable person or unlikeable behaviour when that person is part of their flock. That is not to say accept the unacceptable, but to deal with it according to Biblical principles. I realise that standard is unpalatable to some. One of the hardest challenges, as a Christian, is to love the unloveable. Teachers and preachers are held to a higher ‘standard’ than most.

I’d report it as assault

Non emergency number and explain the whole situation including hitting you with his stick

Thanks to those of you who have been supportive.

It's been really upsetting and I haven't slept much, partly due to conflicting thoughts and feelings.

For those asking, no, it wasn't my vicar because any vicar of those opinions wouldn't be putting someone through lay ministry training.

There's some poor quality victim blaming and sneering going on here.

2/10

I can't actually believe some of the revolting minimising comments on this thread. What the man did was assault and OP is within her rights to be upset about it.

YANBU - you were assaulted, both verbally and physically, while at work.
I hope your Vicar has a stern word and possibly a ban for him (although I can see how banning might be tricky)…

Just to add I would report to the police OP, your church may be different but many churches would try and minimise this.

Surely as a safeguarding officer you know it was a bad thing to do and you know what needs to be done about it? What steps did you take to ensure he doesn’t do it again?

I know if I had seen him do it to someone else, I would have stepped in as a safeguarding officer.

If he does this to you he will and probably has done it to others who will look at you and see the safeguard lead and vicar minimising and sanctioning this behaviour. I'm not surprised, because religions are inherently misogynistic and attract men like him.

Old men know full well what's appropriate and not. If a man had dementia and is behaving inappropriately towards general members of thr public then hr should always be chaperoned and monitored for everyone's safety. If this is in a medical or care setting then the staff should be alerted and safeguarded approprietly, eg male carers or 2 carers at all times.

It's particularly disappointing when it's other women minimising and excusing sexual assault not the least because usually thry themselves have been victims of it but in denial or deep shame about it and simply repeating the same excuses and justifications they were given about their own assaults.

So he did not say that women should be in the kitchen. It may be pedantic but isn’t truthfulness important in the church?

Hopefully the vicar will give him a bollocking on your behalf, perhaps while you’re in the kitchen. Stand up for yourself and your feminist principles by not asking a man to take over when things get uncomfortable

Actually, he did say that, after I asked him where women were "meant to be".

And I've not asked a man to take over. That's ridiculous. I've reported it to the church leader. Who just happens to be a man.

Well he was in church. My intention is not to attack your faith, but in all honesty Misogyny and (99% of) religions go hand in hand. Remember, the order of authority according to the Bible is God, then Man (who funnily enough, decides what god says) then women and the children. Essentially, women must be subservient to men and certainly not argue back like you did. Religion itself attracts men who think like that. It's why women have had so much trouble having their voices heard and being allowed out of the Church's coffee morning serving and into leading services.

"Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says" (Paul's first letter to the Corinthians)

"I do not permit a woman to teach or assume authority over a man; she must be quiet" (Paul's first letter to Timothy)

In that eejits head, he was right. And your should shut your cakehole.

To God ?

What a stupid old twat. I would have broken his stick over his head.