To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Also I've arranged my own hen which is just a meal out and they agreed to if and have said nothint more since. No offers to help or arrange anything. I'm a part of other wedding chats for hens where the bride isn't even in them and things are arranged for her. I feel really lonely. I have no female relatives to talk to and this thread is the only place I've had any help so far which is why DH's family's comments get to me, because it's the only female input I have and it feels like I'm not getting it right.

Why not message them and say you are having financial difficulties and so are scaling back the wedding plans. To keep costs down you have decided to forgo having any bridesmaids (and ushers maybe?) but are looking forward to them coming as guests and enjoying the day.

“ his family will compare the two forever more”.

With respect, it sounds like you’re the one comparing the days. Your whole post is so negative, judgy and pressured. Your bridesmaids aren’t enough. Your family aren’t enough. Your in laws care more about your SILs wedding…

If you’re that negative then yes, I think you should rethink it. No one is forcing you to get married or have a large wedding. I think you’d be better off eloping.

I’m really sorry, I feel for you.

I think in these situations it’s better to be realistic about it. I know I won’t have a hen do because it’s not really a thing in my country and I don’t have any female friends here. You’d probably be better off working with the reality you have so you can get the best experience out of it for your specific circumstances.

Don’t let other people’s events get to you - who knows if they’ve had their own backstage drama going on!

I had the big white wedding & hated every minute. I wish I had insisted on the registry office, two witnesses & got married in my jeans, so I was comfortable instead of wearing a bloody great white thing that I couldn't steer.

Why would you need or even want help for your hen which in your words is ' just a meal ' ?

what more did they have to do ? except to agree they were available that evening.

Maybe leave these ' chats' that you are on for hens and brides, they don't seem to be helping.

How else are they rubbish? It’s still not super clear.

Was this invite to come over to your house to plan things for the wedding? Was it a one off event they ignored or have they routinely ignored you?

And who are they- is it friends or family?

just read you other posts about lake of female input. Do you have any close female friends? I’d also say you have to be a friend to have a friend. Have you participated in anything like this for others in terms of organising hens and baby showers etc?

If they’re not actually close friends and you’ve just made them bridesmaids for the sake of it - that won’t turn them into close friends who want to run around for you.

I'm sorry I'm usually nothing like this. I say they'll compare the two because that words actual words said by his aunt. I haven't got these feelings out of thin air, she said "well you need to pull your finger out two weddings in the same year will always get compared to each other". I was really excited before but now I'm rethinking what else I can do that's all.

He sounds to have the right idea, forget the big wedding and have a small event to start your marriage, because it's that that matters in the long run.

Routinely ignored - I asked them all individually and they all gratefully accepted. I've posted the odd thing in the chat such as when it was a year to go, asked if anyone had any hen ideas or if anyone wanted to come over to help make decorations etc. They're family and two friends.

This is true and I'm so, so grateful for these replies. It feels like I have someone to talk to and it's nice to hear so many views that aren't telling me I need the big day I thought I had to have.

Yeah, lovely but ‘tactless’?

Dont let jealousy turn you bitchy. It’s not her fault that she has the means and organisation to plan a wedding quicker than you. How you feel about this is down to you, not others. Being unkind about your in laws isn’t particularly kind. Time to take responsibility for your own wedding and emotions.

Honestly, it's your day do it how you want to.
Make it about you two and screw everyoneelse and their opinions. They should just be excited you're legally showing your love and devotion to eachother.

I've got a huge family and the recent weddings (over the past 4 years) have ranged from an elopement to Gretna Green, only select family members and no children, a "surprise we did this" postcard in the post, through to a huge 300+ guest wedding at an old farm house/barn conversion that had been adapted for weddings.

The common theme for all of these weddings was just how "the couple" the days were. My advice is pick what you like and do it.

We did a small register office wedding and I only have one regret about the whole day and that was the party after, I wish we'd had it in another day. I found it too much and overwhelming.

We had 20 guests (grandparents, parents, siblings, godparents, our children and 2 best friends) followed by afternoon tea in a beautiful hotel, we had that for 4 hours and then went on to another venue and had a huge party that evening for the rest of the family, because everyone wants to celebrate the joining of a couple. It was perfect, exactly what I wanted in a party, however, like I said, if I could go back, the party would be on a separate day.

I don't think you've read my other posts! The tactless part is actually about DH's Aunt and comments she has made.

You seem too fixated on the ' my day' when it should be about the love and commitment sharing your life together. Why did you choose a big wedding when you can't afford it? Did you do a budget? We spent 5k on our wedding and that included a weeks honeymoon. We only had 30 day guests and it was prefect for us, we had such a lovely, chilled day and a fun reception with a band & buffet at the same venue. People just want to dance and have fun. You seem to be doing what a lot of women do, prioritising a fancy event over an enjoyable celebration. Do your best within your budget but remember it's about the vows, not putting on a show.

We have just got an invite to a wedding . Started talking about weddings we had been to . Some of the best were the normal low key ones . One of the worst was an OTT one . People want good food and a dance . A party basically. Be like royalty and only have child bridesmaids but make them over 6 years old .

And to the aunties and overexcited others just go hmmm that's not really me to anything like decorators or expensive floral arrangements. They probably don't mean to make you feel bad and not doing it on purpose . Some people just get carried away talking weddings easily done .

Ignore your aunt, have the wedding that you want and can afford

Ok, you should 100% elope. Here is your plan: Book two plane tickets to Norway. Contact my friend Dani, she's an elopement photographer and planner. Get married under the midnight sun with a fjord and some massive mountains in the background. And have your wedding portrait printed out massive on your living room wall. Google Enchanted Dreams Photography. Book direct flights from Manchester or Gatwick to Tromsø (or go via Oslo, also super easy!)

Loads of people elope for many different reasons. Yours is 100% valid.

And that’s fine but you don’t need to trash talk everyone including bridesmaids and family because you’ve realised people may compare.

Speak to your venue about the money you've laid down and your change in thoughts, explain you're feeling the pressure and not keen on the original plan and ask if there are alternatives, for example could you and HTB have a small intimate wedding beforehand on another day perhaps and then use the money paid out against a large celebration party with buffet and loads of fun stuff, less pressure for you and for guests, I'd be bloody delighted if I was due to go to yet another carbon copy day long event and it turned out to be a really special evening party with cake cutting, first dance, a speech or two and just loads of booze and fun, weddings can actually be hard going as a guest, noone likes to say it as we want to respect the couples wishes and celebrate them but that counts for all choices and something lighter and fun will probably go down a treat? It's different it's original and it takes that feeling of comparison away? You could save a tonne of cash and splash out on stuff your guests will enjoy, a magic mirror or photo booth, nice favours, magician or whatever things you like!!

I think you're right, but naively until I had written here I didn't even really think it was acceptable to have any other sort of wedding. Like I say I have had nobody to talk to or advise me. I'm very grateful to the helpful replies on here.

That can be hurtful but although it’s so tempting to compare your bridesmaids to others it’s the last thing you should do really.

A good friend of mine had a wonderful wedding a while back. She didn’t have any bridesmaids.

I think she probably felt she didn’t have two “best” or “close enough friends” and she doesn’t have a (living)sister so I think it made sense rather than to try and force it.

As I’d said upthread if these bridesmaids aren’t very close to you they may just do the bare minimum. I’d elope or have the wedding without bridesmaids. They don’t sound like close friends or family you’re close with and they’re not making you feel any better about this.

Why are you being so nasty to me? My post is about my circumstances and frankly the way I've been treated by them and told directly they will compare the weddings is what's made me feel this way. I am allowed to be sad about it?

Truly the only important thing about a wedding is you and your partner. It doesn’t matter in the slightest what someone else spends on their wedding. It doesn’t matter if other people talk about that wedding for years. It doesn’t guarantee anything about the future. You’re not getting married so you can impress everyone with the event. If that’s how your families are approaching it, then that’s on them, you can choose how you want to do things. Honestly you won’t remember the napkins chosen or the flowers. You remember more the way your DH looks at you and how you feel. Don’t let that get lost amongst stuff that’s more about other people and their reactions.

The best wedding I went to was my cousin's. It was in his backyard, no bridesmaids etc Just the two of them. Not sure on the numbers but 50 or so? Champagne and nibbles in the lead up and after the ceremony. The reception was at a cafe/bar they'd hired for the night. They had arranged a mini bus to ferry people from the ceremony to the reception. Lovely relaxed vibe and lots of fun. Had a fun, informal event the night before so everyone could meet - drinks at a different boutique bar. Then they did a river cruise after the wedding which people could join on if they wanted. We didn't do the river cruise but it was such a fun few days with lovely people.

So take this as an opportunity for reflection. What would you enjoy? Can you utilise the venue to do that? Don't throw money away by cancelling if you don't have to.