To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Cancel it.
Go to either Gretna or Vegas and wear your lovely dresss.
Take a handful of close friends. Job done.
It will be a lot more fun and a lot less stressful.
Fuck the people that are causing your stress.

I had a friend who got married in the evening and then it went straight into a ceilidh with a buffet - it was great! Didn’t feel like we missed anything that a wedding should have but it also didn’t have any of the waiting around/ awkward small talk with strangers etc!

I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter

Please don’t say this to your actual bridesmaids.

I was once a Bridesmaid for a very good friend. There was about 8 of us and we were berated by the bride’s sister telling us we weren’t “excited enough”. It was really hurtful. Of course we were excited - but to us her day wasn’t as important to us as it was to her.

We got married in Vegas at Gracelands Chapel, had an Elvis too. It was great, you can get a package for it, it tells you how to get a licence and books you in the chapel, limousine from hotel, everything basically. We stayed at The Venetian and had a great time. Go for it it's an experience.

If it's any consolation if I got married again (only to DH who's still the one!) I would do it totally differently. I was trying to do it the right way the first time. Rather than what was right for us.

Definitely wouldn't have my useless bridesmaids. They literally did nothing! Would have saved a lot of bother (they're still in my life because we're related but very low key relationships). I would focus on the things that matter to DH and I not trying (and failing) to please other people.

Good food, drink and music is really all you need. Don't worry about everything else.

Have a small wedding and don't invite everyone, it's not possible, only close people you see and contact all the time.

If you’ve already spent £8k and have dress, venue and Entertainment sorted, there’s not much else to pay for is there?

You don’t need bridesmaids or family to help you plan you wedding. You have plenty of time and the fewer people helping, the fewer opinions around to confuse you.

You don’t need an expensive florist or decorations. You can do most yourself. It can be overwhelming planning and organising a wedding but with a bit of work (and you have time on your side) it doesn’t need to cost a fortune, even for a big traditional wedding. My advice would be to stay away from professionals. Anything with wedding in the title adds £££. I made my invitations, place names, orders of service etc myself. I bought bunches and bunches of wild flowers and put them in old jugs I found in charity shops or had borrowed from family and friends, for bridesmaid dresses I just bought some nice normal strappy summer dresses from the high street. I didn’t have any budgetary constraints but I didn’t feel the need to spend money for the sake of it. I also didn’t want my wedding looking like everyone else’s in the wedding mags.

Simplify your wedding and decide what is actually important to you. Maybe that means writing off much of what you've already spent. Ditch the bridesmaids if you want. Ditch most of the guests if you want.

Nobody but you will care or notice if the chair bows match the bridesmaids' dresses. Most favours are unwanted and abandoned on the day. Most guests want plentiful, decent food and not too expensive drinks. What you remember in 3 years time will be the odd things that go wrong (and hopefully laugh that your cake topper was backwards) and nobody else will notice. Only very rude people will comment that your wedding day is anything other than perfect - if DH's aunt (or anyone else) offers unsolicited opinions tell them they are rude/out-of-date/uninvited/whatever else makes you feel better.

Have a lovely day getting married to your lovely fiancé. Tonnes of money doesn't guarantee a great wedding or long marriage

Do what you want to do, don't worry about anyone else.

Please do this if you can afford it! What a lovely idea..or...Gretna Green if you are worried about money.

Take the dress you’ve already paid for to vegas. Cancel the venue if possible, or if not, change it to an evening buffet only, for a simple do when you get home.

I would be inclined to just come clean with his family and state finance is a problem; that you want to enjoy the day and the lead-up to it and you won't be able to do that if you're having sleepless nights worrying about how you're going to afford everything.

They'll be your family after the wedding and there's no point in being less than honest with them. Start as you mean to go on and life will be a lot easier.

I got married in Vegas and haven't regretted it for a minute (20 years ago). We had a fab few days and it cost buttons relatively to a full on 'proper' wedding. We frequently say to each other how we're glad we did it. No guests along with us either - apparently lots of people actually bring guests with them to a Vegas wedding (?) - just us and the Elvis impersonator 👌

I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time and it’s all getting too much. It should be fun, and about you and your fiancée. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I spent just less than £5k on my wedding and that included a honeymoon with our 2 DCs!

It’s your wedding, so sod anyone’s opinion! It’s really easy to get swept away with all the instagramy perfection - I really enjoyed looking at all the crazy and incredible wedding stuff then relished not spunking a fuck load of money on it.

One of the very best weddings I went to was in a woodland.
Great party afterwards.
However- have known of tens of thousands weddings- and the couples split.

Aw love,I don’t think it’s really about the wedding. It’s about the realisation that you don’t have the family and friends situation you wish you did. And the sad truth is you can’t make your family be more family oriented. The big wedding where you’re reaching for all the sweet moments you’re supposed to have but not achieving them is such a reminder of what you don’t have. Personally I’d reassess as try to do something just small but lovely with who you DO have.

Hi OP. I had the big wedding. It cost tens of thousands of pounds and not just a few (this is pretty normal for our families' cultures). Tbh, my husband and I stopped counting and adding costs to our spreadsheet with a few months left as the costs really rack up in the final months even after the big expenses are booked early. I wa shocked by how much so and didn't see it coming despite careful planning and budgeting for tiny details. I don't regret what we spent as we could afford it between us with no family help but there's no way we would have got into debt for it. But the best part was marrying my husband of course, as much as we had a lovely day with our family and friends.

I say go small and cancel if it's going to cost a lot more to go through with it. Also, your families don't sound great. That'd influence my decision. We were happy to host ours and have them with us when we said our vows. If we weren't close to ours, we'd have eloped I reckon.

This. Exactly.

Use the dress you’ve bought, get any refunds you can from the venue if any and then choose somewhere to elope! An Australian friend of mine did it in Las Vegas with her American husband and another friend who is American did it in a mid western state with her now husband. Both have been happily married for over a decade now.

8k is so much money to lose and you sound as though the big things ie venue, dress etc are all sorted. I'm sure it wouldn't take much to turn it into the amazing day you want and deserve. Obviously I don't know your fiancé's family but are you possibly over thinking the situation? The day is about the 2 of you and people should respect what choices you make to make it "your day". Good luck with it, it really is the best day of your life and enjoy it as it goes far too quick x

It’s your wedding so if you’re not enjoying it, I’d cancel.

My family is tricky and I have no friends I’m dying to invite so I plan to get married in Vegas. My DP loves big weddings so we’ll have a party for his family once we’re back, but my actual dream wedding is Vegas with maybe a few friends.

I feel sorry for your bridesmaids, you seem to be treating them more like staff than friends. You have been planning this wedding for 2 years with 6 months still to go. Of course, they are not showing much excitement. They have their own lives going on. They were probably excited at the start and will be at the wedding but the idea of being excited for 2.5 years for a wedding that isn't your own is a bit ridiculous. Added to this you seem to be wanting a lot from them in terms of expecting them to do a lot of the planning with you. They are not your employees. Bridesmaids typically get involved in dress shopping and hen do, what else are you expecting from them?

I actually got married in Sri Lanka. The place I stayed arranged it all.

I really haven't, I've never arranged anything with them yet. We have a whatsapp group they all ignored me in when I invited them over so please don't assume :( they see rubbish and I'd never treat anyone that way. I had no intentions of giving them any staff like orders, but honestly I'm not exaggerating when I say all of them read my message and ignored it. I just think why bother? I'd never be so rude and in a chat as a group they can see they're all ignoring me.

Can you get a refund of the venue/entertainment? If yes, cancel and elope. If no, Keep the venue and entertainment But Drastically reduce the guest list.

You don’t need bridesmaids, sack that bit off!

You say “I” a lot with the planning, give some of it to your DH!

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning … why on earth would you consider getting into a financial pickle for one day?

Go to vegas. Come home and have a party. Done. You’ll save yourself £££ and a ton of stress and heartache.