To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Elope , wear your lovely dress then have a party at the venue for family without the whole wedding pressure - that’s what I’d do

This is great advice from @CoastalCalm . You've paid for your dress, venue and entertainment. So have the actual ceremony the week before, just you, DGroom and your two best people as witnesses. Wear your dress and go for a meal afterwards.

Then the following week, wear your dress again at the venue but this time it's just a celebration party - drop the bridesmaids, and just invite close friends and family. Is the meal and bar included in what you've already paid? Can you get a friend or family member to make your cake? You can cut costs on wedding favours, wrapped chairs and the like, and have an open bar (no spirits - beer, wine, soft drinks) for a set time then the rest of the evening a cash bar.

Ignore anyone who wants to compare your wedding to others - just smile sweetly and say this is how you and DH want it.

If no one in the family is a baker, you can easily make a cake by buying two different size round cakes, stacking the smaller one on top, arranging a ribbon round the sides of both, and decorating with fresh flowers - I've seen that done twice, and it looked great.

One of my friends did this. She went from Scotland to California (I think) and got married on the beach. It was perfect for them. She later moved altogether to USA. Her DH was English, they didn’t have any ties to the USA originally.

You literally said this about all DH female family members;

”DH is wonderful and my best friend but his female relatives are tactless”.

Im just saying there’s no need to be bitchy about people just because you’re feeling insecure about your wedding. It’s on you, not them.

I'd really really love this. I've always wanted to go to Norway, what a dream.

I'm going to start being proactive tomorrow about how I can make this into the right day for us and read through these all. Thank you all again.

Forget the hen do, ignore your less than enthusiastic 'friends' and tell them you've cancelled it, aren't having bridesmaids, and are planning something different and you'll get back to them. Then don't bother.

Well no it's on them actually. I was quite happy with what I was planning until it was berated quite openly around the table. With respect you don't know them.

This sounds lovely. Good luck, OP.

For what it's worth....here is my story. I married my husband in 2007. We did it as cheaply as possible and saved up in advance. We had 50 people at the reception in a restaurant that only charged us for the food and not for the hire of the venue. I think the most expensive item was my dress. In total it cost about £5000. It was the happiest day of my life and my face hurt from smiling so much. We put on a CD of our favourite songs in the evening and my husband and his friend sang and played their guitars.. It rained all day even though it was June but I didn't care. My husband passed away suddenly two years ago and when I look back, I think of our wedding day and how simple it was and how I'd give anything to have him back now. Please, from an old bird, think of your married life and try to make your wedding about the two of you and what you love about each other. Don't worry about anyone else's wedding.

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning I didn't even really think it was acceptable to have any other sort of wedding.

I think this is very common, to be honest! Until recently I hadn’t thought much about it (as I’ve always wanted a Vegas wedding) but there’s all sorts, really. A friend got married in Bali, another in Loch Lomond.

Even recently just scrolling through TikTok I’ve learn that you can get married in one of the biggest cathedrals in my hometown. In my mind it was for special events or aristocracy lol but turns out it’s like 200€ to do it. I guess it is just a church like any other, just more elaborately built.

Thank you lovely I will do. It's not even that I care if people aren't enthusiastic really, it's just that my feelings are hurt by it all and I'm a bit embarrassed.

I’d sack the whole big wedding idea off - you really don’t sound like it’s what you want at all
and to carry on planning will just cause you more stress and resentment.

My friend did exactly the same thing when families were making it all too difficult.
They did the legals at the registry office with 2 randomers from the pub as witnesses, kept the venue booking and just had a celebrant led elopement ceremony for the two of them.
They still had a the car, the dress, the meal, lots of beautiful photos and changed the date of the entertainment for a regular party when they returned from their honeymoon.
Yes, there were some financial losses on what they had paid but they would have paid a hell of a lot more out if they’d gone ahead as planned.
Good luck with the day you want 🫶🏻

Thank you so much for sharing this, it's very moving and I truly am so sorry for your loss and hope that posts like this don't make you resent people like me or how marerlidtic it all sounds. I would love a day like you described and when I read posts like yours it makes me realise that I'm not somehow lacking for wanting it instead of a conventionally 'big' bash, it's just what resonates with someone like me. I'm so glad you have that memory of your DH ❤️

A few friends of mine have gone really low key, and none regret it.

One eloped, just the couple and witnesses in a registry office.

One had the whole thing in their back garden with their closest friends and family - totally informal and such a beautiful day.

One (foster kid, no money and no family to help) had a private ceremony and then a bring your own picnic “reception” in a public park. Again, such a gorgeous day.

I think you can make a fantastic wedding out of almost nothing, if you want to! Other people’s expectations can get in the way of everything, don’t let it happen to YOUR wedding day!

Agree, don’t bother with a hen do, most people don’t want to go on them anyway

I would elope and have a gorgeous day just the two of you and have an amazing party when you get back. Don't compare. You just want to be married. Honestly, all this angst isn't worth it.

People always try this wanky angle. Only she's posting here, he's not. Of course she's saying I, she's the individual talking 🤨

No need to mention you can't afford it, better to say you've realised you'd prefer a smaller more low key day.

I don’t like Vegas, personally.
It’s overrated & over-commercialized & over-everything-ed.
But if you want beautiful mountains and a gorgeous lake and gambling - might I suggest Lake Tahoe? Oh there’s skiing too if you’re interested, depending when you go. It’s beautiful all year.
On a side note, my parents eloped to a place called Laughlin, Nevada and they didn’t tell anybody for two years!!

I know it’s easier said than done but just try to be confident in your choices. When all’s said and done and you’ve been married twenty years are you going to look back and think “well I suppose it’s good we got married but your auntie Moira didn’t approve of our paper napkins” or are you going to forget all that CRAP and just do your own thing? 😄

You sound really nice and I hope you have a fabulous wedding whatever form it ends up taking. I did a slightly weird wedding and apparently some of DH’s friends thought it didn’t live up to their expectations. Well a) they can fuck off then b) everyone else loved c) most importantly, it was our day and it featured things that were important to us. We dispensed with tonnes of stuff - no wedding cars, no bridesmaids, no favours,,
no DJ, no sit down meal etc etc.

Can you put the breaks on? Cancel and get money back for the big things now?

Then calm down and have a rethink and plan a simpler intimate wedding that you'd like with fewer people and less mad cost?

I never understood the urge to splurge thousands on The Big Day and leave yourself frazzled and in debt.

When I got married I was pregnant. We were offered dates in 6 weeks time or next year so we took 6 weeks. I had and off the peg dress (monsoon), one matron of honour in own clothes, SIL made cake, no photographer but BIL took some snaps, no car as we stayed at the venue, small guest list, no invitations just email, the venue chose table linen and flowers, I think my mum chose the music. It was v relaxed and not at all expensive. We just wanted to be married simply without fuss. I think if you’ve got a few things booked you could crack on in a similar vein. Reduce the guest list, lose the bridesmaids, simplify extras and only do what you want, not what you think is expected. Oh and I didn’t have a hen do either as I didn’t want one. You don’t have to you know - there’s no hen-do police.

I forgot to add the very most important thing:

When I got married I knew all about weddings and nothing about marriage.

It’s about the marriage - not the wedding.

When did weddings become like a cross between a Hollywood premiere and an Olympic event? What a terrible waste of time and resources. My beautiful daughter married in a simple ceremony on a weekday in a public garden in Sydney with a handful of guests. Light lunch in a restaurant and a champagne evening at their flat. Her photographs record a stunning bride and groom and so much happiness. Cheap as chips, but perfect. For my own wedding, a new white linen top from M&S, a handful of roses, register office ceremony, evening drinks on the terrace overlooking the river with work colleagues. So personal, so joyous, and we spent a month backpacking around Europe with the money, and enough for a house deposit.

btw I can understand the bridesmaids not turning up last year to help make paper decorations - is that really a bridesmaids job these days ?

I think scaling it down is an excellent idea. Sit down with your fiancé and work out what matters to you both. People will enjoy an informal wedding as much as a flashy one.
Venue you like, enough good food, enough drink and things to keep people circulating.
Nobody will remember fancy chair covers but they will remember a welcoming atmosphere. Check if the venue will let you supply your own drink, DIY anything like sweet tables etc. If you don’t like being the focus of attention you don’t need to do a top table, limit speeches, make the day such that you will be relaxed.
Could you meet up with SIL, without the rest of her family and pick her brains about organising things, you can reject any suggestions you don’t like. She may have her own doubts and anxiety.