To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

I'm sorry you are feeling so stressed about this, when this should be such an exciting time for you both. Talk to your fiancé honestly and decide what YOU want to do. If it's family and friends who are causing this upset, consider really paring it back to a handful of people you REALLY want to share this day with. Book a register office and a beautiful restaurant and celebrate! Whatever you do, don't start married life in debt paying for a wedding to make others happy. Good luck!!

My cousin did it, then had a party for friends and family when got back and wore her dress again.

If you have rubbish friends and family, then take yourself and your fella down to the local registry office.
fuck the lot of them. You do you.

I came on here to say exactly that. We did it and didn't regret it for a second. Celebrating our 20th this year. Didn't tell anyone until we came back, then had a party. Honestly, how you chose to get married is between you and your DP. NOTHING to do with anyone else.

This sounds amazing. I would def do this if I were to do it again. Which I'm not planning on!! Might bear it in mind should my DD or DS want to get married though.

Agree with this.

If you want to avoid competition you need to do something so different it can't be compared.

I got engaged years and years ago. Started planning a wedding, the politics started immediately. Mum didn't think people would want to make a short journey between ceremony and reception, and I can't have my parents in the same room let alone the same table anyway. One grandparent wouldn't come if my dad came, Bridesmaids wanted to know who was Maid Of Honour (i.e. most senior!) It got griefy, it became about everyone else, I gave up.

Yeah, just elope honestly.

As you paid the venue a deposit ask if they can re-sell the date and then see if you can have a small do (ceremony and meal perhaps) at a later date. They might be up for that.

I got married at city hall in New York. We weren’t planning to get married there but my exDH proposed there - I accepted but I didn’t want a wedding fuss.
We just went to city hall with our passports, gave 24 hours notice and were married. They’ll provide the witnesses too 😂

My Dsis and her DH got married in Barbados. They paid for their 4 DPs to go then had a later meal for family in buffet form at a nice church hall. Family were asked to bring a dish plus there was music. It was in the afternoon so children were fully part of it.

Think outside the box. What can you afford that would bring you (and your fiance) the most joy?

I was going to say something like this OP.
Can you afford to elope and get married with just you and hubby to be? Leave the useless bridesmaids and family at home.
It’s not their day, it’s yours and SO.

but don't ask for presents then

Elope. You need boundaries - Those boundaries start by not spending 8K on people who have no respect for you, are spiteful, and jealous.

Go have a massive F'off wedding abroad and throw a massive party with the strangers you meet there.

I think it sounds like you are mostly concerned about being compared with your sister in law. Even if you elope people will be comparing even more so because there's not even a wedding.

Maybe what you need is a scaled down wedding. I.e. Rather than inviting so many family members just the immediate families and people you both care about. Once you scaled down you can just spend the leftover money on more flowers/decorations or better catering.

Once you get married there will be lots of other things to compare with SIL. The house, the kids etc. you can't run away from it all. Better to accept and feel comfortable upfront that there is a difference in lifestyle.

Ah I really feel for you.

I was going to say do the Norway thing!! That sounds amazing!!

Doing something totally different and amazing in it's own right takes away all the feelings of comparison failure.

We renewed our vows in Vegas with Elvis at a wedding chapel. It was fantastic. Hilarious but also oddly meaningful doing something crazy together. A limo down the strip feels ironic. And you see lots of brides walking through the hotels everyone congratulating them. It's a great celebratory atmosphere. You could wear your dress!

But I see you are sticking with your venue and scaling back your plan.i hope you can make it personal to you ditch anything not important to you and create a day you will enjoy.

I'd suggest being really honest on with your sil say; I'm just rubbish at all this planning and your plans have made me panic it's going to be crap.So we've decided to change the plans simplify it and make it more us.
Careful not to sound like you are judging her though then she'll hopefully get your message and support you .

I've been to Tromsø in early July. Business trip as it happens, but I made sure I saw and did plenty whilst I was there. Just beautiful (but make sure you take an eye mask!)

Elope. I had a big wedding planned and paid for but we both hated the idea so we went to Las Vegas which was just about us and our love and wanting to live the rest of our lives together. We then turned our planned wedding day into a big party. You do not need to go to the expensive of LA you could do a small registrars wedding with the important people and the have a big party on the day you have booked. Ditch favours, flowers on table bridesmaids etc but you get to wear your dress twice. It will be so different to the other wedding. People still talk about how great our non wedding was. We had a photographer but our wedding album is full of pictures that our guest took. So if I did the party again I would ditch the photographer, the wedding cake, the fancy cars etc

I got married in L.V., saved us a fortune by not having all the free-loaders rellies eating & mostly drinking at our expense.

The marriage is more important than the wedding - best to start with as much cash as possible.

Friends of ours went to vegas and got married in the little chapel of flowers, my DH and I went as their witnesses. It was a lovely . We went for posh meal afterwards all together. They went on to LA & San Francisco and we stayed in vegas. When they got back they put a buffet on and disco at village hall for everyone

Surely if this is all booked and paid for, there’s nothing left to worry about??

My wedding was a very simple affair. My dress was from Monsoon, groom
got a gold jacket from eBay and we bought fake flowers online too. I made all the invitations. We married in a register office, and had a reception for about 30 people back at our home, which we had decorated ourselves. We paid for a local person to do a buffet, bought bottles of wine and beer from the supermarket oh and “posh pop” for us as we don’t drink alcohol ourselves. We had the front and back doors open to the garden as it was a lovely Spring day.

One of my husbands friends,who is wealthy said he had been to some extravagant weddings, including one where all the guests were picked up by a fleet of Rolls Royce’s and the reception meal was a Michelin star affair, said our wedding was one of the best he had ever been to, as it was filled with love and personal touches. Everyone went home at 5pm so it wasn’t a long day, either. We spent around £1000 in total!

Don’t be pressurised into providing luxury for others, keep your budget as low as possible and reduce your stress, please.

The OP is only expecting her female relatives and friends to get excited about her wedding. She has no such expectations of any of the men she knows. This is blatant sexism. I don't know how to explain this any more clearly.

It's not a job interview @IButtleSir , no need for DEI principles!

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning has not stated 'no men allowed', has she? Obviously she's expecting / hoping her female friends and relatives will want to get excited, it is after all usually women who love all the wedding detail and men usually prefer to stay out of it. I'm not sure why you're trying to pick a fight around sexism, OP is looking for advice and support, she gets enough grief from some of her relatives and in-laws-to-be.

• exceptions allowed and welcomed!

Elope! Or tell people you’re just getting married abroad/at Gretna Green without all the faff. We got married, just the two of us in the Caribbean and it was lovely. We had two people we met over there be witnesses for us and it was such a perfect day. My mum and dad threw a bit of a reception/party for us when we got back but you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.

When I got married 38 years ago 😱🤣 we paid £10 for the license, I wore what ever I grabbed from my wardrobe, same as my husband, we had very close family, think about 10/12 people and we went back to the pub for some lunch, if I can remember correctly, it all cost less than £100, and we’re still married to this day!
My sister got married a few years after us and she said our marriage wouldn’t last because it was so cheap!! She paid thousands for her wedding and was in seeing a solicitor on her second wedding anniversary for a divorce!!
Shes now on her fourth marriage 🤣🤣 all weddings has been very expensive!!
Which just proves it’s not what you spend that makes a marriage successful!!