To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

People are describing the most lovely weddings, but all of them required thought and planning, which is what it feels the OP is struggling with. My suggestion would be to find somewhere that would offer her a complete package but on a much smaller scale, or for her to find a wedding planner who could work with a very tight budget. There might even be one on here!

edited to say that she might need to go overseas for a cheap package as others have done, but what an adventure that could be.

I had a classic wedding and we spent a lot of money making it low key and informal! Very of it's time though.

OP, what people say about things is really about them not about you or what you are doing. I know full well that one aunt's disapproval of "Linda's fish and chips supper wedding" would have been "Jemima's novel fish and chip supper wedding." So do what you want to do. There are so many gorgeous options out there. Fly to Florida and have a sunrise wedding on the beach so you start a brand new day together. Or have a small wedding in your local cathedral on a Friday morning and go for lunch afterwards.

With regards to money spent, you could just treat it as a life lesson on not being blown by the wind. Or you could get married first and then have the party on a different date. Stakes would be lower, more fun for you.

But you were referring to weddings in general, not this specific wedding.

I'm sure it does seem like it's "for no good reason" to you, but if people had fought extremely hard to give you the right to get married, you'd probably feel differently.

I am back and have been reading through replies. Sorry I am working today so just reading through all your replies on my coffee break. Again, thank you all so very much. I have read them all and woke up not only to my period ( explains a lot! ) but like a weight had lifted by reading all your replies last night and for the first time feeling less overwhelmed by realising I can have a good day. So I have worked out what I think we will do and that is to keep the venue and entertainment for 8k but scale it back deliberately. I loved the eloping ideas so much but when I've been thinking ( a lot more clearly now! ) about cultural pressures and some of the elderly family coming along who I'd still like to see me get married I think this route would be the nicest way to have a good day without feeling under so much pressure. DH to be is on board with scaling back and said whatever I want to do he will like and to give him a list of jobs. I will be back later after my break to detail more on what we have decided but thought I'd just stop by and say thanks for being such a helpful bunch. I am also a lot less pissed off at DH's family and aunt now I've realised our wedding will be so different it won't be comparable so I think maybe I was putting too much weight on their opinions because I felt insecure.

I expect you can recoup much more of the £8K spent than you think - if necessary moving the venue and entertainment to a party once you are back from your elopement, or even to an anniversary party, selling the dress etc.

When you tell the in-laws about the new plan, you can just say 'you've probably noticed we've been a bit sketchy about the details of our wedding the last few times we spoke - reason being we've actually been investigating an entirely alternative format which more closely reflects 'us' but didn't want to say anything until we were sure of our plans...."

That way, you'll avoid any assumptions/accusations that you are only changing your wedding because you don't think it will compare favourably to SIL.

Cross-posted with your update about not eloping! All the best with your new scaled-back plan!

Dh and I got married in vegas and it was great! Just me and him, stayed at the cosmopolitan which was gorgeous, did a Little chapel of the flowers wedding which was live streamed so family and friends could watch back home. It’s a while back now, but it was brilliant and would definitely recommend. We also did a tour after with a private photographer and got amazing pictures all around vegas, including the the neon museum, where they have loads of old casino signs.

have the wedding you want. Fuck what anyone else thinks!

Just seen your update - I’m glad you’re finding a way to keep it smaller and have a day that feels good for you

My offspring and partner went to Vegas with only me and their toddler. It was super! We had an Elvis ceremony in some chapel and dressed 50's style, then they carried on for a road trip honeymoon and I came home (you don't need to do the road trip though). I think there were a few legalities they went through to make themselves properly married but easy to do.

My heart sank for you when I read you will lose £8k if you cancel. How about selling your dress to recoup a bit of money. Eloping then holding a party at the venue so as to not waste the money on that and the entertainment.

The various advice you’ve been given is good- comparison being the thief of joy and all that but it seems it’s his family who are doing the comparing and causing you think along the same lines. As your SIL is getting married near the time of your wedding comparison, although unhelpful, is likely.

It’s a one off event and working on your feelings about the situation would be a lot of work on top of everything else. Too much work for me. I’d elope, throw the party and when the comparing starts just say the weddings were too different to compare.

Good luck and whatever you decide I hope you have a wonderful day

Why wouldn't you assume your relatives, supposedly your nearest and dearest, wouldn't want to talk with you about an important event like a wedding? They could be thrilled for her and discuss preliminary info, then say 'let's talk again nearer the time' and just show their support without wanting to be involved in all the minutiae of early planning details.

OP is perfectly and reasonably entitled to think that wanting to involve the 'women around her' is most definitely not 'ridiculous and offensive'.

When I go to a simple, budget wedding I don't think "how sad", I think "how sensible". Just embrace the fact that you have a different budget and different priorities. Your guests should respect and admire you for this.

DH and I are both quite introverted, possibly neurospicey. We had 12 people, went to our favourite restaurant and then hired a tiny cinema to watch our favourite film so we didn't have to talk to anyone

Do whatever brings you joy!

But she's only assuming this will be the case with her relatives who happen to have vaginas.

I'm glad you've come up with a plan, it's easy to get bogged down with plans and trying to make everything perfect but at the end of the day you being happy is the goal of the whole thing

We went to Jamaica, took no one with us, it was just us two with two hotel employees as witnesses. It was perfect for us. We then had a huge party for everyone when we got back with the wedding video playing on a loop in the background. It was a long time ago so the exact cost is irrelevant, but it was a fraction of it would have cost here.

We all know how it is for emotions to be so high and then have the period begin! But it doesn’t mean you weren’t valid in your feelings, and I’m so happy to hear you’re doing things this way. You deserve a big special day, your way, with everyone you want there to celebrate with you. There’s always going to be people with more money and more lavish plans, it’s hard especially when they are right close like your SIL.

But you’re right, you don’t have to throw more money at it. Plan anything that’s going to make you happy. Make it personal, rather than lavish. Think along the lines of serving pizzas at the reception, because you had pizza on your first date.

The best weddings I have ever been to were personal in that way. Filled with the love of the couple and the love of everyone who cares for them. I never remember what flowers they had or care what the place settings or chairs looked like, because we are too busy remembering how the happy couple looked at each other and how much FUN we had at their event. You’re going to have the best day!

Some of the best weddings I've been to have been the least fancy.
One of the least good ones was incredibly showy, no expense spared, but it lacked warmth and a good group of guests.
I've found the best weddings to be the ones filled with love and where the couple getting married are in love and happy. I could not give a stuff about the quality of the venue/food/decorations/flowers/cars or invitations! Genuinely couldn't, and anyone that does must have something missing in their lives!

The day itself might seem the most important thing to you at the moment, but it's what comes after the day and your marriage together which matters the most. Stop caring about what others think - it's not their wedding, and as long as you are happy with the man you are marrying that's all that matters- you will have a wonderful day!

Of course - people with vaginas are known as women (current fads notwithstanding) and it's mostly women who get excited about weddings. Men very welcome to join in the excitement too, naturally.

The OP is only expecting her female relatives and friends to get excited about her wedding. She has no such expectations of any of the men she knows. This is blatant sexism. I don't know how to explain this any more clearly.

Saying someone is tactless is not what I would call bitchy. Over reacting I think @widget

I just wanted to say that you can elope - and still have the celebration!

My cousin got married in the Caribbean. No one knew. They sent postcards to all friends and family (in the days before the internet) with news and inviting them to a celebration party.

My cousin had lost her Mum a few years earlier and decided to do something unusual and different. The family and friends were amazed and excited about the whole thing.

Good luck!

glad you feel better @RubbishAtWeddingPlanning
have faith in yourself.
listen to no more stories about other weddings happening later <<your SIL>>
it will be great

My daughter and her husband went to Vegas to get married as the costs here were becoming ridiculous. There were 24 of us there for the wedding paying for our own air fares and hotel. We all had a great time.

I think deep down you have already decided not to go with the original plan and tbh, I really don't blame you with the people you are up against. Could you both chat to your closest relatives and say that you really want to do something different and plan something small and abroad. There are even some places in the UK which are quirky, romantic and don't hold many people, so you can cut the guest numbers down