To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

It’s the marriage not the wedding and only time will tell.
I have been to 36 weddings from a small registry office with drinks in the pub after to some horrendously expensive ones. The East Asian side of my family have three dayweddings, a few of them must have cost ridiculous amounts of money. The best wedding I have ever been to was the English side of the family. A BBQ in the garden of a cafe, with a marquee decorated by all of us the night before and free unlimited ice cream from the cafe and as much pitch and putt golf as you liked. They have been married about 14 years and have two lovely little girls now.

Th happiest marriages I know of are my much older sister, sadly widowed that lasted 43 years and my own coming in to year 26 and the relative who had the cafe wedding as described above. She had sandwiches at her SIL house after her wedding. I was only 5 and to me she was a vision of complete loveliness. I had a registry office and village hall, borrowed wedding car, made my own cake.

The best wedding I have ever been to was a fancy dressing wedding (bride and groom were into historical reenactment) with the reception in the church hall. No transport - we all walked up the road. No fancy meal - there were baked potatoes, chilli or Bolognese, salads etc and the wedding cake was chocolate biscuit cake iced to look like a wedding cake. It was done on a shoestring, but it was fantastic. Really good fun, reflected the bride and groom's personalities and very laid back. They're still very happy 30 years on.

Please do what's right for you and your fiancé and ignore any suggestions about you must have x y and z for it to be a proper wedding. Far better that than getting stressed and taking out loans for stuff that people won't remember afterwards. PPs suggestion about making a list of what the essentials are for the two of you have the right idea.

Oh and practise responses for the aunt or any one else. Others will come up with better ideas, but even something simple like "Oh Beryl, you are funny! Of course it's not a competition" might help

Like others have said, I would elope or do register office but do check first that the elope is a legal wedding as some countries do not and then you have to do it again back home.

We got married in New York, which was a legal wedding. We used a company called wedinnewyork and I'm sure it cost $300 for the certificate and a celebrant to get married literally in Central Park. It was amazing and intimate. The only additional costs were the holiday and outfits and we did those at a minimum. Please feel free to DM if you want any more information.

I would advise on you taking control of the situation and putting yourself first. If you are feeling anxious about the wedding and build up, I suggest refocusing on what you really want to do and scaling it back so you can enjoy the day

This.
Comparison is the thief of joy.

Forgot to add
Someone needs to have words with that aunt of your partner.
She is a prize b*tch.

I eloped. Was the best thing ever. Just me and dh plus the person who married us and the gardener was a witness. Gardener also took photos for us!

this is such good advice (unsurprising from a wedding planner). OP you have the dress, the venue, the entertainment and are considering eloping. Sounds to me like you could have all the ingredients for a brilliant celebration party at some point in the future if you can get the dates changed.

You sound absolutely lovely and I think it’s really brave and sensible to address this head on. I hope you get a magical day in the end whatever it looks like.

How you’re letting them make you feel IS on you though. No one can make you feel any certain type of way. You’re choosing to be offended or feel hurt by their comments but you can reshape that thought and change your reaction.

instead of wallowing about it you can decide to use it to spur you into action to make a day that’s right for you both which it sounds like you’re going to do.

just remember that even though they’re acting like it, no one cares about your wedding day as much as you do.

That looks wonderful!

in answer to your DH aunt
there is no Have to, as regards a wedding.
your wedding is a unique event, a celebration hosted by you
i hope you can rise above the comments and be confident in your plans, whatever they may be

OP two of my siblings married. One had a huge, expensive fancy wedding.

The other had a cheap as chips wedding in a local community hall. By far we all agreed the one in the latter venue was far better.

Keep the dress, get refunds - even part refunds - on anything you can, and pick 20 people or fewer who you both really WANT to be there (I suggest you lose the bridesmaid “friends” from that last)

Book the wedding in small church or registry office, and book your favourite restaurant for lunch later.

Tell anyone who is interested/offended that you had a wedding with only a couple of people each, and have fun

Fuck that.

Vegas.

I'm reading this OP from perspective of someone married for 25 years.
I can't stress enough it's about the marriage/your relationship not the wedding.
We got married at a time, in our late 20s, when many of our friends were also getting married.
We went to so many weddings round that time and yes, I do understand the inevitable comparison element (my bridesmaid and "best" friend booked her own wedding less than one month after mine, week after we got back from honeymoon- with ours already booked and planned).
Of all those weddings, I think 3 couples are still now married, 20 plus years on.
Some of the couples who had the biggest and most elaborate weddings divorced fairly quickly after.
I'm not saying that will happen to your DHs sister but it is very easy to get caught up in the whole wedding thing. Starting married life in debt, paying off a big wedding won't help.
In years to come though, I absolutely promise that no-one will remember all the little details of a wedding that you might stress over now.
Pick a dress you love, make sure the catering is good and, if you can afford it, offer a free bar/ some drinks, this will make your guests happy.
Good luck.

@elessar, @Goldfsh- not all weddings involve both a bride and a groom...

Yes dh and I, we eloped to vegas and didn’t tell a soul! I’ve never regretted it.

Not defending them, simply pointing out that OP is doing a lot of blaming and pointing fingers. This is HER wedding. It’s optional and up to her to plan. It’s not fair that she’s talking down about her family and bridesmaids just because she’s feeling insecure.

Loads of people choose not to get married or have a traditional wedding. If that’s the way Op wants to go then she should. It’s really not anyone else’s issue.

I think a lot of people are telling you 'we did this, it cost this, you don't need to spend that money' are completely unaware of what it would cost nowadays.
If something cost £5k in 2007, as another posted said- do they think that would be under the OPs £8k mark now, nearly 20 years later? How much was your house worth then Vs now? How much was your food shop? Inflation and growth is REAL people!

Were you happy with your wedding plans before these chats?

Can you actually imagine what you would feel like (happy or sad) to say in 10 years time, we eloped to xx to get married without family? As we seriously considered it, but in reality, I want our parents to watch us get married and would regret it at a later date.

Can you afford the money you're spending, and can you afford to lose a large portion if you change/ cancel? If you don't get large refunds (and I wouldn't expect much from a wedding this year), can you afford to pay for a different wedding?

I personally think you carry on with your wedding, which I'm sure is beautiful! Remind yourself that even if you had another 10k, you probably have better things to spend it on than a live wedding artist and personalised shot bottles, or whatever, and crack on. Take pride on telling people- we did this for under 10k! And carry on making lovely decorations yourself.

From a fellow 2025 bride who also has family shit going on 😁

Good grief, I know that - but in this case it is a bride and groom.

Feels like you're just nitpicking here for no good reason.

Then that is your answer- go with what the two of you would like to do
as for the big voices in your partner’s family let him deal with them

We got married last year, we had a tiny ceremony at the registry office (12 guests) then we booked out a beautiful conservatory in a pub which had a lovely beer garden off it with a kids play area and had about 35 people. We had a gorgeous meal then drank and danced until closing time. It was perfect and cost very little. I got my dress online for £40 and it was beautiful.

You’ve sunk 8k in, I would hate to lose this entirely as it’s a hell of a lot of money. Can you keep the things you have but seriously alter what you’re doing? Use the venue, wear your dress, but maybe don’t do a sit down meal or any of the other things you don’t want. Cater it to YOUR taste and expectations. Stop trying to impress people you are never going to impress. Do it your way, within your means, and as long as YOU enjoy it sod everyone else. You’ve got this far, you’ll regret not getting your day the way you want either way. By cancelling or by trying to impress/satisfy people besides yourself and your DH.

Assuming here ofc the venue and entertainment and dress are things YOU are happy with.

Why not have something small, intimate and much cheaper! We have found a country house that can host a wedding for 20 with tea and cake afterwards and will got out for dinner in the evening.

How old are you OP and how old is SIL? That could have a lot to do with how involved your bridesmaids want to be/ can be. I got married in my late twenties as did a lot of my friends and we were all pre children so we had a lot more time to plan for each other and be present in the planning. Now, in my early thirties with two children I simply don't have the brain space to allocate to planning or talking about someone else's wedding all the time. It's not personal, just different life stage.