To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

A wedding is about love. That's it. The best weddings I have been to are the ones where I know the couple is made for each other and that they are incredibly happy.

It doesn't matter how much was spent on the wedding, anyone who cares more about money spent over love being celebrated is not a person whose opinion I value anyway.

I don't know how we got so materialistic and so far from the actual point of a wedding.

If you decide to go ahead with a wedding here instead of eloping, I would just keep it really simple and deliberately different to what your SIL is planning. We had quite a simple wedding really. No bridesmaids, reception meal was for 30 people in a pub so no hire costs (we did have it exclusively though) but a lot more came to the church anyway and in the evening - and most of our friends felt way more comfortable and relaxed in that environment than a fancy pants Manor House. We didn’t hire suits. Did our own flowers apart from my bouquet, and cake and invitations. Nothing pretentious or silly or wasteful.

Honestly I’ve been to so many cookie-cut weddings as a guest and they are all the same - the Photo Booth, the sweet cart etc etc. I don’t remember any of these details afterwards.

the ones I remember are a relaxed bride and groom, good food and ones that don’t last 16 hours.

the best one was a buffet lunch in a pub.

simple can be better for your guests too!

When my DH & I started planning our wedding in 2019 we had visions of the big wedding with a massive party…and then Covid happened and it looked like we wouldn’t even be able to get married at all due to the rules. What we ended up doing was deciding what was the most important parts of the wedding for us (for me it was that my dad could walk me down the aisle, my immediate family could be there and that we could have one toast of champagne at the end.) and we decided that as long as we could have the “important” bits we would go ahead even though all our family were pressuring us to postpone.
What we ended up with was the most PERFECT day!
I got ready at my parents house (just us and a photographer) which was so special and intimate and meant we had quality time talking and laughing getting ready, then my dad drove me in his car (a small Peugeot 😂) and when we got to the venue the 15 of us (13 guests only due to the rules - oh and they had to wear face masks!) had a truely wonderful ceremony. We set up a webcam and streamed it to friends and family that couldnt be there and at the end we went outside and had such a laugh with our photographer having photos in the grounds of this beautiful converted barn.
In the evening we were able to have a sit down meal with our 13 guests and then we walked across to a lodge on the grounds where we spent our evening drinking champagne and cocktails in the hot tub whilst listening to music and talking about what an amazing day it had been.
Had it been the day we had originally visioned? No, it was 100000% better! We had realised that getting married to each other and saying our vows was the most important part and we were so happy we had gone ahead and had such a simple and intimate day. There was no wasting money on fancy invitations, table favours, “intagram” backgrounds, photo booths and all the added extras it was just us, our close family and a beautiful venue.

I would really recommend scaling back and remember why you want to marry your partner. Invite less people, strip back to the basics and do things how you want NOT what you think other people will want. People should be there to witness two people declaring their love for each other NOT to judge the decor and food choices ect. You have your venue, dress and entertainment- perfect. Now just to cut your guest list to a handful of people (the non judgemental people 😂) and you are good to go! Think of all the money you will save on food if you have only 30 rather than 150 ect.

Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope you end up having the most magical day x

I'd cancel the whole day then have a much smaller wedding. Or you could elope!

Talk to your p about what you both want. There's no point starting married life in debt.

Some people want a proper wedding, there's nothing wrong with that.

What’s a “proper” wedding? It’s one where two people sign a legal contract. The rest is fluff.

A wedding with two witnesses is still a ‘proper wedding’, though. Obviously there’s nothing wrong with wanting a bigger wedding, but the number of guests and the presence or absence of a white dress, bridesmaids, a sit-down meal, or an icecream van, doesn’t make or break the wedding-ness of a wedding.

Well it’s a long time since I got married, but I had two bridesmaids, made their dresses and mine, got ready at my mum’s house and married in our local church - Mum paid for the flowers, my in-laws paid for 2 cars! My dad got two local ladies to put on a buffet in the school hall (school holidays) and we had a photographer. No evening do (not really a thing then). We had family and friends and a lovely day. Friends went to the pub later, parents and parents in law all took themselves out to dinner, and we went off on our 2-night honeymoon. I’m not sure the day or the marriage would have been improved by spending any more on it!

I’m so excited to hear what you get up to!!!!

im annoyed with your bridesmaids though, I really hope you haven’t ordered any outfits for them!

keep the venue, don’t keep the venue, whatever. Just dial it back. A lot.

i have questions though! Have you sent save the date cards out? How much can we dial back?!

you sound absolutely LOVELY! And I want you 5o be excited: again!!!

so many great ideas here! Few of my favourite weddings have been in pubs, restaurants and homes. The more intimate the better. The shorter the better too, we went to one over the weekend and it was glorious, but even 7 hours was too bloody long. Startvlater, finish earlier!

If you could have it all at the venue too (since you’ve paid for it) that’s ideal. And do photos very quickly or not at all. Honestly the best pics are the candid phone ones Anyhows

What matters above all else is the marriage, mot the wedding- that's just the gateway. So many people jeopardise their marriage by going OTT at the wedding, getting into debt and sacrificing relationships on the altar of one big, spectacular day.

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning you have received some consistently sound advice on this thread and it's good to see you engaging so well with it. I agree with pp that a scaled down, more intimate wedding would both avoid financial stress and reduce the planning burden, giving you the best shot at starting married life with a celebration rather than a millstone. If I look back over the weddings I've attended since marrying 30+ years ago, the best and most memorable weren't the big or spectacular ones, but those where the couple were most joyful and secure in their love. Forty years ago I was a schoolgirl at my cousin's wedding in a small village in Shropshire. Everyone walked to the church and back to the bride's home for the reception. What I remember is that my cousin literally shone with joy- I had never seen anything like it- it transfigured an otherwise very ordinary girl into radiant beauty. That was the magic of the day- nothing the wedding industry could have created or sold to her (and yes, they are still married four decades later).

We eloped and had a party afterwards. It was 100% the right decision for us and many friends said they wish they had done the same.

THIS.

OP, you wouldn't expect the groomsmen to help you plan, so stop with the sexist assumption that bridesmaids should, or any other female relatives, it's not their job. You seem to expect more from other women than you do from your own partner, which is absolutely ridiculous.

You're putting stupid amounts of pressure on yourself, so I agree with others, just elope.

SIL may have the biggest and flashiest wedding, but it doesn't mean she will have a happy marriage. Don't let one day have more importance than the rest of your life together.

PS. Norway - do it!!!!!

Its not about the wedding. Thats one day.
Its about the rest of your lives.
Fuck them all off and elope.

Doesn't mean she won't,either.

The thing is that anyone can do it. Most people choose not to, nonetheless, but the fact is that no one puts a gun to your head. Potential family members’ possible disappointment is no reason to have a giant, expensive party you don’t want. So I’m assuming people do want the bells and whistles. There’s certainly an enormous wedding industry that exists to cater to it.

I did! It was brilliant loved every second of it! Could you do and have a reception at your original venue (maybe save loosing so much ££)

IMO people MUCH prefer an informal wedding. There's less pressure and the bride and groom are more chill.

I had a whole wedding ten years ago for 2.5k and it was fabulous. Inter-family sports day, a huge barbecue and a hall that we decorated ourselves with all sorts of cheap stuff from ebay (just stick to a colour scheme). A friend did the disco (you just need a spotify account and some disco lights - we got all the guests to contribute their favourite dancing songs).

Also we had a dropbox account so guests put their photos there and we made a lovely album from these afterwards - no photographer.

Cheaper doesn't mean less fun! Honestly I always think it's the other way around.

We planned our wedding in 6 weeks. Dress from Oxfam which I customised, DH suit hired, button holes for about 10, white Hanson cab with floral decoration, registry office for 40-50, bouquet and one floral table setting, reception boat trip with canapés and champagne, reportage-style photographer, restaurant meal on the river, just for closest family and main friends (no cake), party at home in the evening, put up main family and friends, hotel stay for us at night before a flight the next morning for a week in Venice and Sorrento. Mother helped alter the dress, family paid for champagne and other drinks and helped make the food, sister sent traditional favours from abroad and a family friend paid for a hotel room for our wedding night. Cost us less than £4k, 25 years ago. People still talk about it.

You don't need hen and stag dos, churches (especially if you're not religious), 100s of guests, bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, photographers ordering everyone about, cake, chocolate fountains, ice sculptures, photo booths, presents for other people, speeches, entertainment and all the rest of the bollocks. Make it personal to you both and don't compare with anyone else. Cancel what you can, only have people you like, ask for elements you really want as gifts, handmade things to personalise.

We did it.

We costed up how much the sort of wedding we'd want in our area (country house, marquee type thing) would be and it was about £12k all in (including venue, meals, band, outfits, etc, etc.) and that was us doing a fair bit ourselves and pulling in favours from friends that were florists, photographers, etc.

In the end we went on honeymoon first and did a road trip through California for 2 weeks then finished with a week in Vegas where we went and got married by Elvis. The money we never spent on a wedding we used to pay for the flights and a big meal for our closest friends and family members if they wanted to come (so they still had to pay hotels, spending money etc).

Did it all for around £10k in the end, but huge caveat that it was 15 years ago - so flights and hotels and pretty much everything in Vegas was a lot cheaper back then!

You've had lots of good advice OP but I'll add my two cents as well.

What people care about at a wedding is having a fun celebration with the bride and groom. If drinks are flowing, there's good music, decent food (and enough of it) and not too much hanging around in the cold between things - that would be a good day.

And decent food doesn't have to be fancy, and good music doesn't have to be a band - though I know you've said you've sorted entertainment.

As a guest, beyond that I couldn't care less about the trimmings - what the flowers or the favours or the decorations look like, if the bridesmaids have matching dresses and professional make up - none of it matters at all.

Your fiancés aunt sounds a bit horrible - and personally I think you (or perhaps better your fiancé) should say to her firmly the next time that she makes a comment that you don't want to hear any more about comparing the two weddings, and you'd prefer her to keep her opinions to herself as all she's doing is taking the shine off your special day by making it feel like it's a contest.

Your bridesmaids sound a bit useless too. Are you very close to any of them individually that you could have a heart to heart with about how you're feeling? If not, maybe just stand them all down.

If I was you, I wouldn't elope unless you could get most of your money back - but I would make your day your own, focusing on only the things that matter to you - rather than trying to emulate what your fiancé's sister is doing. And that could involve massively scaling down the guest list too, if you wanted - do you really want people there who don't bring good vibes?

But one for you to call as to whether you think the aunt is really being nasty or just ignorant in her comments.

I also got married in Las Vegas, no guests just my husband & I, it was perfect for us. We didn't want a fuss or make others happy so decided to fly to vegas for 3 weeks. It cost about £3000 & it was perfect. We did throw a party when we got back purely to keep family & friends happy. I would definitely recommend it, your wedding day should be for you & your partner to enjoy,

Op you have had some ridiculous comments here.

It's absolutely normal to have some 'effort' put into hen party by people other than the bride! It's hardly being grabby or bridezilla.

My sister is getting married next year and nobody would expect her to be totally in charge of her own hen do - we have told her we will organise it once she has said what she wants.

And I love talking to her about it!

People on mumsnet talk total shit a lot of the time.

I think you need to take a big look at your finances - it really really isn't worth getting into debt for a day particularly one that you are not even enhoying planning.

There are a million different ways to get married.

I suggest you do something very small and have a party at a later date when it doesn't feel so loaded and meaningful.