To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

I would definitely elope. A proper one, tell nobody and come back married.

Then his family can never compare your wedding with SILs as they weren’t even there.

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning

Sod the lot of them! Cut your losses now, book a lovely holiday & get married abroad, just the 2 of you. No comparisons at all - just special memories for the only 2 people who matter anyway - you & your fiance!!

Don't throw £thousands away on 1 day that sounds like it will cause you nothing but stress & anxiety & regret/sadness for years to come - what's the point??

On a side note - his family & your bridesmaids sound shit & should be ashamed of themselves!!

The most memorable wedding I went to was my siblings, just around the start of lockdown. We held it in a room, a local café delivered some food, we served ourselves from a stack of plates and helped ourselves to the wine and beer (no waiting staff were allowed). We put tea lights in old jars and one of the family made a cake. We talked and danced to music on a speaker and the bride and groom spent time with each and every one of us because there wasn't that big a crowd. It was so special and crazy tomes and not at all what they'd planned but I remember all of it whereas all the fancy weddings I've been to over the years blur into each other.

Why would you assume that, if you had female relatives (which you actually do, as you say one your bridesmaids is a relative), they would want to talk about your wedding any more than your male ones do? You seem to have an incredibly outdated and frankly sexist view of weddings and wedding-planning as "female interests". The only people who should have any input into your wedding are you and your fiancée.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but you seem to lack any awareness of the fact that your expectations for the women around you, and women in general, are ridiculous and offensive.

So is it just his Aunt that you feel is tactless, or all his female relatives? If the latter, I'd suggest you may have unreasonable expectations of his female relatives.

Could you get married beforehand and then have a big party (ie the bit you’ve already paid for)?

I didn't make as much fuss as everyone wanted either, it didn't matter one bit and we had a lovely day. You said you have the venue (presumably includes food?), entertainment (presumably includes music?) and dress, so that's the majority of the costs. Buy potted plants for tables, do nice photo invites on funky pigeon or similar, signing book and pens on amazon, book cupcakes for the cake, get a cheap photographer. Cancel the bridesmaids (just say you're scaling back), cancel the hen do, ignore crap like chair dresses and £500 garlands that nobody even notices. It is one day, your families will enjoy it regardless and when it's over you're married so you won't have to do it again!

Haven't read all replies but id cancel what you could amd see how much you get back. Go somewhere warm on holiday and then 'spontaneously ' get married and tell everyone when you come home.
My bridesmaids were totally shit. I don't speak to either now. Wish I hadn't bothered. My hen do was shit too because I had to arrange it all. If I had my time again I wouldn't bother with the big do. Id save myself money and have a holiday

You can make it so special by making it just about you and your DH to be. I hope this thread has given you inspiration. I'd be going for Norway personally!

Some of the loveliest weddings and happiest marriages (including my own) have been small, unextravagant occasions. You don’t have to spend thousands.

i would avoid discussing it with SIL's relatives, or whoever the sniffy aunt was.
it is your wedding and it is important to you.
have confidence in your own decisions.
i had a small wedding, i remember a friend saying It was just a small wedding wasnt it
but it suited us.
job done.
ceremony, meal, alcohol, dancing

it is a big money making business.
dont be drawn in

I am hearing the word “I” a lot in this post.
surely you’re fiancé has some thoughts and practical and financial input I tot he whole process?
if not seriously I would question the relationship.
because sharing the practical and mental load of family life won’t improve.

I agree with the "keep it but scale back" advice. I am having a micro-wedding - effectively a nice meal and afternoon tea, but no disco or entertainment in the evening (12 - 6pm). And after reading a recent thread about what people like/dislike at weddings I think it will be great! I think that way you won't feel like you're competing as its a totally different style - and you won't lose much money this way. At some point you felt like this was the right event, so I'd adapt what you have. Good luck, and I am sure whatever you do you and your husband will enjoy the day which is ALL that matters x

Elope ! That is what I should have done with my dh

A friend of mine did it years ago. They were in America on a business trip and decided to just do it. They were married by 'Elvis' . He was all dressed up, they just wore their holiday clothes. They were married until she died during Covid.

If you have paid for the venue, dress and entertainment, could you elope and then have a party when you get back?

Highly recommended. We did it in 1998. Booked the wedding ceremony (c$250 at that time), flights and a good hotel. A limo picked us up, took us to the courthouse to get our licence and onto the chapel. The staff acted as our witnesses. Afterwards the limo took us back to the hotel, we changed and went out for a lovely lunch. And then we travelled around the west coast for 3 weeks on honeymoon. It was just what at we wanted. Married 27 years next month ❤️ Good luck with whatever you decide, the only people’s opinions that matter are yours and your future husband.

Good idea. Then it's a party not a wedding so not the same thing.

Well presumably you want to still get married just without the stress/fuss. Can’t you just have a low key wedding? Or a registry wedding with just witnesses.

We did this for exactly the same reasons

It was just getting so expensive and unjustifiable. When we thought what you could do with the money instead r.e. house deposit, general savings etc it was just something that went from being exciting to something we both dreaded.

Went to Vegas for 5 days, got married on day 4, flew home via the Carribbean where we stayed for 8 days.

4 of our friends came, (two couples) they stayed for the 5d in Vegas then did their own thing.

Tremendous. Fraction of the cost of a full blown UK wedding and we had a great time.

Did it in Vegas when I was already going to be there on holiday.
No family politics, just me and my other half, then enjoyed the rest of the holiday.
You can book a lovely package in one of the hotels.
Well worth it in my opinion.

Don't start your married life in debt.

I've only read your opening post so don't know what others have said but I absolutely would not invite all of these people and you and your husband should just quietly go off and get married, perhaps abroad to incorporate a honeymoon.

If anyone gives you grief, your voice is as important as theirs and you and your husband state that you didn't want to spend money on a big ceremony and want to invest the money in your future, whether it be foe home or children, whatever it's none of their business.

Also the three couples I know who had small weddings are all still together over 30 years later.

Oh and I should mention that all of your anxiety and problems about getting married are solely about you worrying about what other people think!

You don't have to give a stuff about any of them!