To cancel my wedding to save the embarrassment?

[RubbishAtWeddingPlanning]

I get married this year and I was really excited when I got engaged two years ago. Since then, the financial pressure of it all has been horrendous. I have a big family and I literally cannot make it any cheaper and it's costing thousands. DH's sister has since got engaged and has a lot of money and has planned and booked everything straight away. I have rubbish bridesmaids who aren't at all interested in the planning or even really me for that matter, a rubbish family who have little interest in my day and after a family do at DH's Uncles house a week ago where his entire family sat round the table discussing DH's sisters wedding which is after mine and asking me ( rather insensetively ) why I haven't and when I will book things I can't afford I have been so sad about my day, crying whenever I think about it and their inevitable opinions. I kept it together then and there but he has some strong, female voices in his family unit who frankly make me feel like a loser in comparison and I cant shake the idea that I can't pull a wedding off. I just feel like no matter how hard I try it's going to be such a pitiful, lesser event and no matter what I spend on it nothing will compare. I can't wait to marry DH and we have a lovely little life but honestly when I see how people talk about weddings on here it seems like nobody appreciates the effort anyway and often slags the day off after. I also feel like with the support I've had with planning my day will never compare to DH's sisters day ( she is lovely and deserves a wonderful day but the family just have no consideration of anyone else's feelings ) and his family will compare the two forever more. They're all quite delusional about the cost and how much I'm trying to juggle at the moment and I feel like I'm interrogated whenever I see them, even when DH to be has said I don't want to talk about it at these events or tried to change the subject. Shall I just call it off and go to a registry office? I have six months to go and I'd lose about 8k. Has anyone else done the same thing? I can't honestly be bothered to try to resurrect it or throw more money at it at this point and I don't want to compete. I have nothing sorted and no money to sort it either really without looking at loans etc and I'm starting to think that a nice meal after and saying the words just me and DH to be and none of the fuss would be better?

Yanbu- cancel
Yabu- ride it out you're just having a wobble

Awww, thank you so much for your reply and for taking the time to read my post. Absolutely no resentment whatsoever! I just feel for you.....you sound like the loveliest of people and you deserve a day that suits your loveliness and not one where you feel judged or pressurised. I wish you all the very best of luck and happiness and thank you again so much for your lovely post. Yes, I am also glad for the memories of my darling husband. We laughed a lot and I hope you and your future husband do too.....it's the best medicine. ❤️ X

Also, when DH family ask nosy questions you could say “I’m not saying as I want it to be a lovely surprise on the day”.
And if you get critical comments after “we thought it was perfect and just what we wanted”.
Don’t forget to prime DH to chip in and agree with you.

Come back and tell us if you like! Maybe people here can help to plan with general details on whatever you come up with.

Don’t feel embarrassed about changing your plans, be proud of taking control of a runaway train. The only thing that matters is that you and your fiancé enjoy the day.

I would send a letter or message round to everyone telling them that the process of planning the wedding has led you both to rethink what you want, and you’ve decided to keep things small and simple. Let the bridesmaids know they can relax as you won’t be needing them. Tell people what to expect and say you hope everyone will support you in celebrating your wedding the way you’ve chosen to do it.

Be confident in your decision, it’s the right one for you.

Two of my cousins got married within a month of each other, and yes we compare, but not in a bitchy way, more 'Anne's food was great but I prefered Jane's band', it was something to talk about but no one really cared.

Have you ever cared that much about weddings you've been to? It's one day, a big day for the bride and groom, and their parents, but not so much for the guests.

I think you're over-thinking it all. I generally love weddings, it's great to see people you care about being happy, and fun to meet up with family and/or friends, and dress up and dance. You don't need fireworks, or chair covers, or bridesmaids, or bubble machines or whatever your SIL is having that you're not to have a good wedding. You certainly should not go into debt.

Hi op

just wanted to tell you a tale of two weddings. One year we went to my wife’s relatives wedding. They are a lovely couple with big jobs and lots more money than any of us. It was a fabulously posh affair reflected then perfectly. We and they had the best time.

That same year my best friend from school married his love in a wedding at best cobbled together. They are a wonderfully fun couple (still are) and there day cost less than a quarter of the other wedding but it was also a fantastic day and reflected them perfectly.

Have a day that brings in all the personal elements of you and DHs life. Spend big on important things to you. Spend as little as possible on things that don’t.

You say you have a lovely little life together. If your take one day to celebrate that for you. Then any wedding would be hard to compare to it. Xx

Hi OP, I haven’t had time to read the whole thread so ignore me if this has already been said. Are you sure you don’t want the big day? When I read your post I thought you did want it but felt embarrassed your day might not be perceived as being as good as SIL’s day.

If that is how you feel please don’t give up on your day. I’m sure the Mumsnet mind can come up with alternatives to what your SIL is planning.

We can be your cheerleaders!

Yes, you’re allowed to be sad about it. I’m sad for you that you’ve been hurt by their comments, when you’ve simply been trying to plan your dream day to the best of your ability and means.

I see you’ve reacted enthusiastically to other posters’ experiences of eloping or having smaller weddings, so maybe that’s what you really want, not the big wedding that you thought you ought to have. If you love your wedding dress, you could still wear it at a smaller, more intimate wedding.

I really hope you can work something out that will make you happy. As things stand, it doesn’t sound as if you’ll enjoy the wedding that you’re planning very much because it will have caused you so much stress.

@RubbishAtWeddingPlanning

Im sorry if this offends anyone, but I truly cannot see any point whatsoever in expensive weddings. They are not for the bride and groom, they are for the benefit of those attending. Hundreds spent on table decorations, balloons, flowers…it’s absolutely insane.

I truly believe a wedding should be about two people. My DH and I got married in the Bahamas. It was just us two and two witnesses we didn’t know. It was amazing! The cake was hideous so we hired a jet ski and went out to sea to feed it to the fishes.

I should add that I only had my mum alive but she was in poor health and could not have coped with a big wedding. She had a little party on our wedding day with her friends.

Are you certain you can’t get your 8K back?

I would stop the whole charade and do something extremely small and intimate. You will absolutely love it!!

This absolutely. ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

It's not even that I care if people aren't enthusiastic really, it's just that my feelings are hurt by it all and I'm a bit embarrassed.

OP, please don't be embarrassed! The embarrassment belongs to those who shun you or are critical. Look, this is all about you and your DH. He loves you and wants to marry you and spend your lives together. You feel the same. Everything else is just detail. Forget the big staged wedding with wedding cars and pre-wedding rehearsal dinners and whatnot, just think about what you two would like, and who you'd really like to share it with.

First thing I'd do is check the venue and see what's refundable or can be altered and what options they offer. Just say you're rethinking the whole event as you want a more intimate occasion, and see what they offer you. Same with the entertainment. Then armed with that information, you can make some choices to change, scale back, cancel, or whatever.

My own wedding was DIY at the registry office with 40 guests with a champagne afternoon tea at a local museum community room afterwards. I had local caterers for the afternoon tea but served my own champagne and wine and made my own cake which the caterers kindly served. Dress, rings, licence, room fee, caterers, champagne, the whole lot came in at just over £2,000.

Whatever you decide @RubbishAtWeddingPlanning , I am rooting for you and wishing you all the best. As the date gets closer, would love you to do a part 2 thread with updates, but only if you're not too stressed.

OP, if you do decide to change track, I’m wondering if the venue would allow you to transfer your booking to another couple? You could then see if someone wants to buy your booking at a big discount maybe on FB and then you would at least get a portion of your money back?
Good luck. Have faith in yourself.

Also, see place cards, favours and all the other 101 things that bump the costs up. Guests do not care about them. They want to celebrate with the happy couple, get merry fill their bellies and have a boogie. Nothing else matters. We didn't do stag or hen do's. He went fishing with a few mates and I had a Spa break with my 3 bridesmaids. I chose a colour (navy) but let them choose their dresses from wherever they wanted and absolutely loved them not being identical tbh. It reflected their personalities and l wanted them to be comfortable. I also didn't really start having conversations about it until 4 months before it. It might be huge to you but it's a nice celebration months away for them. Can you not speak openly with them and ask for help planning? If I were you I'd try to claw back any money you can and think about what would make it meaningful for you both. The thought of a Princess Dress and too much glitz and formality would be my nightmare wedding. Focus on the vows, the sentiment and having fun. I even contacted our local college asking photography students if they wanted the job! Some sent us portfolios. We were keen on candid photos with very few being staged and was delighted with how they turned out. He caught a lot of genuine special moments. We have a pretty decent income but we would rather not waste money on things that don't matter. It doesn't have to be flashy, in fact the bigger the wedding, the shorter the marriage is in my experience. Probably because they have the wrong priorities.

Why is your post all "I can't afford..." "I can't pull off..." etc? Surely this is a "we" situation and if it's the interaction with his family that's the issue it's for him to say to them that it will be a small affair or whatever.

Oh I wish I knew you in real life. I love weddings and had so much fun planning my own, I’d bloody love the chance to help do it again. I had quite a big wedding (we lost track at around the 140 mark) but it was so laid back and relaxed, it was lovely. There was plenty of food, plenty of drink, plenty of places to sit down and it was well under 6k.

The thing is, you get these magazines that make you believe that it’s the end of the world if the ‘theme’ or the colours aren’t quite right. There is no end to the amount of cash you could spend on wedding stuff. You just have to decide on what is most important to you, after exchanging vows with your lovely husband and say sod it to the rest.

We eloped overseas. Best thing we ever did. In US you can do this for pretty low cost, there is plenty of advice online. Obviously registry office here would be even cheaper - just book a date, take a few friends or two strangers (or invite anyone who wants to celebrate and not judge, if you want family there), and a nice meal after, some friends of ours did similar and had a lovely garden party after.

God weddings are awful & stressful. We did ours in a lovely tent with charity shop blankets on the floor & lovely picnics in ebay wicker baskets, those lovely leaf plates. I love food so curated that all myself, local meats & breads & stuff. My friend's did the venue flowers by foraging from hedgerows & my BIL did my bouquet. The 'tables' were slices of tree from a local tree surgeon & we sat on cushions.

Local band, local cake maker, a sweets table I did myself with ebayd glass containers.

It prolly cost less than 5k all told & I'm no hippy mother-earth type, I'm also not an organiser! And actually trying to work with loads of different ppl on it would have been a disaster, so we just did it ourselves.

Climb out of your stressful, pressure-filled box & do something that will be easy going & fun for all of you. Stuffy, structured weddings aren't actually all that fun & it's all pretty much the same & very predictable if we're all brutally honest.

Start again with what you've got booked (if you can't cancel). It's a day for you both, who really cares what others do at theirs, just have a lovely day with your closest people

Google registry office and see what you need to do. Do it.
Cancel everything else. Sell the dress. Book a holiday.
Group chat, you and fiance are 'going green' 'all previous plans are cancelled' 'private ceremony'

Have a wonderful day.

I phoned the registry office and asked how soon they could fit us in... we got married 12 days later in front of our 11 closest relatives. Cheap dress and ring, DH wore a suit and ring he already had, taxis to a nice restaurant where we had a bespoke meal in a private room.

Cost £2k.

At a later date we had a party in the upstairs of a country pub. A DJ, band and buffet for 150 friends and family. Same dress and suitm

Cost £5k.

Both parts were brilliant. Fun, relaxed and no time to get anxious, overthink anything or fixate on minor details.

Work out your budget and what's important to you and forget what anyone else is doing.

And I'm just saying there is no need for you to be bitchy to the OP, who you don't know, and you really have no idea what her DP's family, or her bridesmaids, are like so why weigh in with your defence of them?

This.

and this (or similar) thecaryls.co.uk/elope-in-scotland/

Is it an option to cancel the bits you can without losing money. Elope and get married. And have the venue for a celebration party, keeping it simple, buffet, dj, bar. No speeches, no bridesmaids or best man etc

When I got married, I just bogged off to Jamaica and did it. Grabbed two people who worked at the hotel as witnesses. Had a religious ceremony on the beach, was lovely. Nobody questioned my decision.... I wanted the marriage not the wedding. And the whole thing, including 2 weeks in a 5* resort, the dress, shoes the lot, came to less than half what you've spent already. Maybe keep the venue and the dress and just elope.. then have a massive party when you're back. I'd prefer to go to a small understated wedding than a big posh do!! Do whatever makes you both happy... it's not a competition.

Well, that is just ridiculous.
I fail to understand this need to spend so much on a single day that most will be too shit-faced to remember or will causexa fight at.
Elope and tell your family to get tae fuck.
If you love your fiance, you'll just want to be with him, not pander to this performative meringue-wearing, family-feeding nightmare

My friends got married in a registry office then had a big party at their house.
Everyone was happy. Near zero stress for everyone.