AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

[Rhysinpeices]

When my husband was very young, his infant brother died. He doesn’t remember him or when it happened and only found out much later in his childhood (I think he was 10/11) about his existence when a relative dropped something into conversation. It seems to be a subject just not spoken about and i totally respect that.

the only reason I want to know is that I have recently had a dc and I want to know if it was something that could be genetic. I would assume that if it was someone would tell me or should have told DH years ago. Do I have a right to know or at least to know it’s nothing that could have any genetic link?

There are far better ways to put it than 'I have a right to know', really.

Can you work on a way to ask tactfully if there were any genetic conditions in the family that could be relevant for your DC?

Search on a genealogy website such as ancestry . I am in Scotland, and Scotland’s People website carries digitised copies of Registrars certificates, birth m death, marriage, divorce. You can buy a copy of a death certificate which shows cause of death. I imagine the same exists in many countries. It’s public record.

yabu

it’s none of your business - if you have a good relationship with your DH I am sure he will have mentioned anything genetic
this would have been deeply painful
Stating you have a right to know is very bull in a china shop on such a sensitive matter

Good grief no. No right to know. You could ask your DH to have full genetic screening if you want but otherwise stand down!!

Do I have a right to know

no, you don’t.

YABU. Quite intensely.

YABVU.

Weirdly I have two friends in a similar situation - One whose husband's brother died a few months after birth, and one that was around 9 months, they think.

Neither MIL was willing to talk about them. I suppose it's a coping mechanism. One just left it, the other got her husband to ask if there was anything they needed to know about medically for the baby, which MIL said no to, and they trusted that as much as they could.

I don't think you've got a right to know, no. It'd be useful, but honestly, I think the time to have asked would have been pregnancy.

Perhaps i put that clumsily and I would ensure I was tactful. Or really, I think it should be DH who has the conversation

DH has never spoken to his parents about it… bar one conversation in which he informed his dad he knew. I actually never thought about it but a friend asked that surely I would want to know in case it could be something genetic.

Yab massively U. Don’t bring this up.

Do you not think they'd have mentioned it, if it was? To your husband at any point, if not to you both when they knew you were pregnant?

You'd have been made aware if genetic

I think you are being extremely insensitive and unreasonable and have zero right at all. It's for your DH to question and for you to support anything he decides to do

It could have been SIDS with no genetic cause, and the grief was so bad they buried it all that time. If I had been that mother I don't think I could bear someone years later someone asking me probing questions about it. Surely they would already have told you if it was something that you NEEDED to know?

If a DC has something serious genetically amiss such that its a major cause of death/disability and a sibling could be a carrier, i think its quite likely your DH would have been tested.

Is there a reason you think it would be something genetic? The most common causes of death in young children in the UK would be cancer and accidents including choking or asphyxiation.

I actually didn’t know in pregnancy about it…

My ex-husband had a sister who died as a baby. It never once occurred to me to ask what she died of or that her death had anything to do with me at all, other than to be aware of a tragedy within his family. We do have a child together and I can honestly say that the idea of needing to know in case of heritary illness etc didn't once cross my mind.

So you know a piece of information. You know that the parents were so deeply affected by this that they decided never to speak of it, even to their own children. Yet you have decided you want to try and pump them for information? Talk about heartless.

How would that conversation even go?

”Hey MIL, heard you had a kid who died and I’d like all the goss please”.
“That’s a very personal subject and not one I’m ever comfortable speaking about. It’s none of your business”
”Well I want to make your tragic loss all about me and feel I have a right to know so tell me if it’s genetic”.
“No, it was cancer”
”Phew! That’s great!”

What if the baby had died accidentally in their care, and they'd never forgiven themselves? You do occasionally hear of babies rolling when co-sleeping and getting stuck between the mattress and the headboard etc. Or of ehausted parents falling asleeping holding their baby, and they wake up to find they've suffocated them by accident while asleep.

I mean, the trauma. Just no to someone asking about something like that.

Absolutely none of your business OP.

It would likely have been SIDS so a very sensitive subject that possibly carries much guilt

If DH had been aware of a genetic condition the time to raise that would have been before a pregnancy and baby.

The fact you are raising this now, as a mum myself with post natal anxiety, suggests to me that perhaps you are not feeling ok.

And that's tough. So do reach out, talk to DH, talk to HV. Think about why this is making you anxious.

For me, to be fair, it wouldn't matter what it was, I was so far gone by the time I realised. So I hope some discussion early can help you.

I would imagine as it wasn’t spoken about it was something very traumatic for the family and you have no right to this information. That being said if it was something that could impact your children I trust the family would let you know. Do not bring this up with them.

I genuinely don’t know. They are from a different country and culture.

Ok, point taken - I will not ask. Also I was not planning on doing the asking myself but ask DH to ask his father. Parents are divorced.

I'd presume SIDS rather than anything else. It's not your right to know.

You/ dh should be able to find his death certificate if you know some details. I wouldn't ask PIL.