AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

[Rhysinpeices]

When my husband was very young, his infant brother died. He doesn’t remember him or when it happened and only found out much later in his childhood (I think he was 10/11) about his existence when a relative dropped something into conversation. It seems to be a subject just not spoken about and i totally respect that.

the only reason I want to know is that I have recently had a dc and I want to know if it was something that could be genetic. I would assume that if it was someone would tell me or should have told DH years ago. Do I have a right to know or at least to know it’s nothing that could have any genetic link?

Firstly, assuming this was 30-40 years ago, genetic testing then was far less advanced than it was now, so even if there was a genetic cause it isn’t a guarantee that it would have been identified so it likely wouldn’t help you much.

Also, the most common cause of infant death back then was SIDs. The introduction of the safe sleep guidelines have massively reduced the occurrences of this now, so whilst there may be some aspects of genetic predisposition to SIDs, that risk is all but cancelled out by the improved knowledge around safe sleeping.

So you have a gut feeling that it was foul play? and you’re saying ‘genetics’ to cover up your suspicions?

theres Probably a reason why it’s not known, and it won’t be something genetic. Could have been an accident and they don’t want people talking. Maybe your husband accidentally did something and they’re trying to protect him.

Not entirely true, someone suggested the OP was heartless and one of the latest posters said she was fucking selfish.

She was asking for advice, it was clear she was a worried new parent asking how to handle this (if at all).

Sorry but you have no right to know anything. Your mother in law went through the worst thing anyone could every imagine losing her child. Obviously very private grief leave it well alone. Enjoy your baby.

What if it was genetic? What are you going to do with this information? Edit the genes of your dc?

Absolutely not your business. Check your entitlement and respect boundaries.

??

MIL had a twin who died shortly after birth. When I was pregnant with DC1, I told GMIL that the midwives were asking if there was a family history of still birth/ early death (which was true) and I'd told them there was but that I knew no more detail. GMIL then told me what I needed to know.

As somebody whose baby died I get it I expect my kids to ask these questions one day. We have always been very open about it though. I don't think your being unreasonable he could just ask mum or dad do I have anything to worry about genetically rather than getting all the details.

Since when do we have a delete button?

Get tested maybe ? Some heart conditions for example can be monitored but only if they are known about

There’s some nasty pp’s on here.
Another worried mother left MN because keyboard warriors are being judgmental and faux outraged that op may wonder if her baby or future dc may be at risk.

You’re not worried about the in laws, you're just enjoying the moral outrage.

I think she means her account.

It is most likely the baby's cause of death wasn't pertinent to your child/ren but I understand why you'd want to know if it is. I feel that people should communicate hereditary conditions to blood relatives but I know they often don't do this (often because they don't properly understand the diagnosis).

I underwent genetic testing while pregnant after my close family member had a diagnosis and it was recommended by their genetic councillor to be sure me and my kids didn't have it. This condition is often diagnosed later in life but early medical treatment in toddlers can be very beneficial.

My baby was stillborn and I wouldn't appreciate being questioned about it, because someone thinks they have the right to know . However years ago when a baby died women were actively encouraged not to talk about these things they had to get on with it and I should imagine it's very hard to get out of that mindset.

It’s natural to want to know, but it’s really not your business and will be painful and intrusive to try to ask.

Health DNA tests are affordable, just get one for your baby if you want to know.

Hello, all. We're dropping in with a reminder that Mumsnet's aim is to support parents. Although this board is titled AIBU, it's clear that the OP here is reaching out for some advice and support with this issue. Please do bear that in mind when posting.

I had a little boy at 27 weeks who had congenital heart issues inco.patible with life. We could have aborted at 23 weeks but chose not to.

It was utterly devastating but is information my children and their partners are aware of and must be aware of. It was not genetic. I would happily answer any questions they needed to know. It was nearly 28 years ago.

Similarly, dd has ADHD, DH's father was likely undiagnosed ASD, in those days aspergers.

@Rhysinpeices you are not being remotely unreasonable. There's a need for open and transparent communication.

This thread is unbelievable in my opinion.

Anyone can request a death certificate. They usually list cause of death.

I’m so surprised that everyone seems to be against this. I would say you DO have a right to know.

Exactly same situation here and I have never pushed to know. It's too painful to ask about and I never have.

Guys. She’s gone. Leave it alone now. The thread will come down soon.

I think it’s normal that you want to know this OP.
I would too.
It’s just part of trying to protect your children, isn’t it?

Monitored how? On the NHS? You are joking, I assume?

I'm going to go against the grain here and say, although you might have phrased it clumsily, I understand your concern.

You don't "have a right" to be told but it would be nice to have the reassurance that this is not something that s likely to affect your family. Unfortunately if this all happened abroad you may never know but it's worth mentioning to your care team if you do become pregnant again, just in case it triggers any extra testing.

I think there are some very unkind people on MN nowadays so please don't take this to heart. Try to ignore and enjoy time with your baby