AIBU to want to know why husbands infant brother died

[Rhysinpeices]

When my husband was very young, his infant brother died. He doesn’t remember him or when it happened and only found out much later in his childhood (I think he was 10/11) about his existence when a relative dropped something into conversation. It seems to be a subject just not spoken about and i totally respect that.

the only reason I want to know is that I have recently had a dc and I want to know if it was something that could be genetic. I would assume that if it was someone would tell me or should have told DH years ago. Do I have a right to know or at least to know it’s nothing that could have any genetic link?

This is what I would do.

I can understand why you want to know but as others have said please don’t ask.

My dd died a few years ago and I have occasionally felt like I need to explain to dsis more about what happened, as she will be having dc in the near future. She’s never asked and it’s not something I want to discuss but probably should.

I’m so sorry for you loss

Perhaps it's too painful? Perhaps an unfortunate accident or malpractice?

I think best leave things be.

I will never know.

harldy any reason at all. Calm down

Oh god @Rhysinpeices that must be so hard and panic inducing.

I understand why you feel you have a right to know, but I suspect that they haven't spoken about it because it is far too painful.

I don't think you or DH should ask if I am honest. However kindly it is down it will sound callous and accusatory to your in-laws.

The chances are that it was cot death and if it was a gebetic issue they may not have been told.

If you are concerned about genetic issues I would speak to your doctor and request genetic screening for your dh and dc.

My DH's baby sister died at the age of three. It never occurred to me to bring it up with my late in-laws or indeed my husband. He mentioned it just once or twice, when our eldest was a baby, and it was clear he was still grieving. These are not wounds to be reopened for curiosity's sake. X

Thank you for kindness. I think pp is probably right that this is probably some kind of PND reaction where you get hyper focused on a threat. I honestly thought other mums might be more sympathetic to that kind of feeling. Logging out, deleting account. But thank you for those who replied in kindness

Is there someone else in the family you can ask like an elderly aunt? someone who may have known them at the time the child died?

It's a touchy subject for some.

Your OP was a little clumsy and entitled but I do understand why.

Don't take it too personally, you always get the odd keyboard warrior and generally MN is very supportive

Wanting to know and having a right to know are two completely different things.

When we have a baby, they are so perfect and the thought of anything happening to them is terrifying. Absolutely there is no denying that. But some people have lived through that terrible event. We don’t get to put our anxieties onto their grief and make it ours. Over something that hasn’t happened and is unlikely to happen.

As I said, do you think the grandparents are going to want to go through the loss of their grandchild after they’ve lost their child? They know that loss and so if there was something to tell, they’d have told OP to help her avoid that scenario.

OP isn’t unreasonable as a new mother wanting to know. She is unreasonable to ask. Especially in something that is not spoken about in the family.

Then surely you can imagine how traumatised you would be, for the rest of your life, if you lost a child completely unexpectedly when they were a baby.

I don’t understand the need for pile on. I’ve said I’m not going to ask and I’m currently trying to work out how to delete an account so I’m not tempted to come back.

Found the delete button… thanks all.

There is no need to do that. No-one is suggesting you're a terrible person for wondering if you should ask, just that you definitely shouldn't ask, and that it's entirely understandable that Dh's mum would want to keep that information to herself.

It's very understandable that you'd want to know.

But no you don't have the right.

I'm really sorry people are being so shitty to you. I had a similar thing and it either triggered or was a sympton of a form of PND where I was so worried about baby dying of SIDS or something else. I don't think you are wrong for wanting to know but you might have to move forward with being OK if you don't find out and realising it's not linked to your baby in any way.

OP never said she had the right to know!

This is a likely explanation.
DH doesn't know, it's possible MIL and PIL don't know if it was genetic.
If you are really anxious you could ask him to ask if there's anything you should know in the family medical history which would be useful to be aware of for your baby.
That way the question is generalised in terms of relatives not specifically about their dead son, but you've referenced your baby so if they know anything relevant they can tell you.
However you need to brace yourself for a vague explanation eg their DS died of something unexplained. Will that make you more or less anxious ? Consider what the knowledge may do for you and your mental health if it's not what you hope.

Same. My husbands older sibling died shortly after birth. It has honestly never occurred to me to that I should have probed into why he died. The family never talk of him, I can't imagine the pain my MIL would have gone through. I would never have wanted to add to that.

Like others have said I would phrase it as a generic question - I think it’s very reasonable to want to know if there are any conditions in the family. My DD has a chronic illness that no one, including her father, thought to mention was a strong possibility. I was very hurt no one thought to give me a heads up.

My grandmother lost two children and she also never talked about it. After she passed away we found some documents and realised one of them died while she was pregnant with one of my uncles. How heartbreaking to go through pregnancy while also grieving your toddler.

No you don't have a right to know,can you imagine losing a child? It must be one of the .oat devastating things ever to happen to a parent and you want to bring it up? Horrifying absolutely horrifying.

No need for that! OP is not being insensitive, merely needed advice on whether to broach the subject and how to ask. She is clearly considerate of the feelings of others!